How to kill a motorcyclist

[Hitcher]

1. Get a job as a plumber.
2. Buy a Mitsubishi L300 van. Paint the name and contact details of your business on the side. Something like "Quality Plumbing & Drainage" would probably suffice.
3. Buy a cellphone. Ensure you talk on it all the time while driving.
4. Wait to turn across Aotea Quay, as if planning to turn into the Ferry Terminal or the Hutt motorway on ramp.
5. Appear to carefully study the approach of a Kawasaki ZZR250.
6. When the ZZR250 is within 15m, turn across in front of it.

I believe that I am now dead. To be anything else defies all of the known laws of physics. To be anything other than dead would have required me and the Mighty ZZR to have passed through the L300 at a sub-atomic level.

If I were alive, a charred headless corpse of a plumber would be sitting in the smouldering remains of an L300 van at the northern end of Aotea Quay. If anybody has recently passed this way, could they please confirm.

[Deano]

If I were alive, a charred headless corpse of a plumber would be sitting in the smouldering remains of an L300 van at the northern end of Aotea Quay.

That could still be arranged.......

[Pex Adams]

I'm afraid to ask this question, but was it a white van?

I bet it was, if your ever held up in traffic its because of a bloody White Van!

[Insanity_rules]

Whoa hitch, I guess your still alive or this post would be on heaven biker not kiwibiker. How much did you miss this retard by? Shall we form a posse and beat this guy to death with his own colon?

[Str8 Jacket]

Whoa hitch, I guess your still alive or this post would be on heaven biker not kiwibiker. How much did you miss this retard by? Shall we form a posse and beat this guy to death with his own colon?

I am guessing he is not talking about himself as he does not ride a 250 or a ZZR....

[Insanity_rules]

I am guessing he is not talking about himself as he does not ride a 250 or a ZZR....

I didn't think he did but the way the post is written I had to make a guess it was a personal experience. I'm 10 minutes from going that way home.

What is this pick on insanity day LOL!:girlfight:

[007XX]

I am guessing he is not talking about himself as he does not ride a 250 or a ZZR....

Yes...what's wrong with this picture? :confused:

[Str8 Jacket]

Yes...what's wrong with this picture? :confused:

Yeah, that's what's worrying me!......

[Sully60]

Yeah, that's what's worrying me!......

Me too.
I'm worried there'll be another biker down thread soon.

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[Hitcher]

I am guessing he is not talking about himself as he does not ride a 250 or a ZZR....

The bike in question was TSSes loaner shop bike. If this was Italy, it would be sanctified "St ZZR, the patron saint of evasion".

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?p=1375131#post1375131

[Str8 Jacket]

The bike in question was TSSes loaner shop bike. If this was Italy, it would be sanctified "St ZZR, the patron saint of evasion".

Are you or are you not talking about yourself? Has someone been killed or has there been an accident? Please elaborate.....

[Insanity_rules]

The bike in question was TSSes loaner shop bike. If this was Italy, it would be sanctified "St ZZR, the patron saint of evasion".

Good work on evading certain doom. I'll pop the canonisation request into the pope post for ya now. I would also like to suggest the patron saint of changing your boxers would also be appropriate?

[Joni]

Whats going on? :spudwhat:

[Hitcher]

Please elaborate...

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.

[Blue Velvet]

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.

It's cos you gots da skills bro :woohoo:

Yeah sorry about the lingo, heh

[Fatjim]

Whats going on? :spudwhat:

Hitcher scared the shit out of a plumber in a white van.

[007XX]

Are you or are you not talking about yourself? Has someone been killed or has there been an accident? Please elaborate.....

I get the idea that if there was serious news here, Hitcher would be a little more to the point.

So Brett, you naughty munchkin, what have you done? :spanking:

[Sully60]

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.

A motorcycle in itself is an inanimate object B. You did all the work here so the training you have done and your instincts have served you well!

Just remember there's a white van lurking around every corner, never let down your guard!

[kiwibryn]

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.

Hmmm... Couple o' days ago, I was riding over the Pahiatua Track and ALMOST got cleaned up by a boy-racer coming round a blind corner on my side of the road. Fortunately, I was riding cruisy and had enough time to lay over a little extra to get out of his way... at least I think that is what I did... I remember very clearly the expressions of shock on their faces, so maybe I was closer than I thought...
Luck, indeed, plays a major part in surviving the idiots...:buggerd:

[bungbung]

Just remember there's a white van lurking around every corner, never let down your guard!

View from my office window, you can see it's trying to hide in the garden

[Sully60]

View from my office window, you can see it's trying to hide in the garden

As I understand it you're rather familiar with that van BB???

[vifferman]

Hitcher scared the shit out of a plumber in a white van.
No, he was so busy with his important cellphone call (probably arranging to hook up with a mate for a beer after work), that he didn't even notice.

[ManDownUnder]

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.

He's a plumber! They NEVER finish the job on their first visit.

[007XX]

He's a plumber! They NEVER finish the job on their first visit.

maybe, but they have a crack at it! :pinch:

*sorry, I was bored...*

[Blue Velvet]

He's a plumber! They NEVER finish the job on their first visit.

Or indeed ever?

[Grub]

Just remember there's a white van lurking around every corner, never let down your guard!

Ain't that the truth!

The greatest threat to man, woman and motorcycle is a tradesman on the way to/from work. Paekak Hill Rd is full of them between 0630 and 0830. Anything with a ladder rack is trying to have you as a trophy, mounted on said rack.

[swbarnett]

I suspect that I am indeed alive. How, as described above, I am at a complete loss to understand.
Strictly speaking Quantum Mechanics does not rule out the possibility of one atom passing through another unharmed. It's just nearly infinately improbabale.

What Blue Velvet said is far more likely. You're obviously a better rider than you thought you were, and on a strange bike to. Well done indeed!

[mowgli]

Luck, indeed, plays a major part in surviving the idiots...:buggerd:

Luck is a concept more often used as an excuse by those who had none. You make your own luck.

By the very fact that Hitcher recalled so much about the van suggests that on some level he was already prepared for the possibility of it crossing his path. Well done Hitcher and Kiwibryn. The right attitude will beat luck any day.

[riffer]

All hilarity aside, I would speculate that the many moons you've spent punting around 230+ kgs of motorcycles has given you a lot more counteer steering ability than you probably give yourself credit for.

In an emergency situation Survival Reactions would most likely forget you were on the smaller bike and you'd give it the serious yank on the bars.

Hence the fortunate evasion of the White Van Man. Damn vans and police cars. Its probably best to be wary of anything vehicular that reflects too large an amount of the visual spectrum. the glare must dazzle that bastards and stops them seeing you.

Congratulations on not joining that other big fella at St Peters Gate.

[Swoop]

Track down the address of said plumper, and sent him a bill for drycleaning of underwear/trousers/bikeseat.

Plumpers are all rich bastards, so should pay up... eventually.

[shafty]

Mr Hitcher, is there an invitation to the Plumber's "House Warming" iminent?

[Madness]

The Kwaka has better evasive qualities than the ST1300 had. Go the Kawasaki!

[TOTO]

Glad yOU aRE sTILL wITH uS. :yes: ... in white van hell ...

[NC]

Being the reserved intellectual that you are Hitch, I hope you followed him and gave him the best groin kicking of his life!

Good to know that you're still about fella :)

[ManDownUnder]

Track down the address of said plumper, and sent him a bill for drycleaning of underwear/trousers/bikeseat.

Plumpers are all rich bastards, so should pay up... eventually.

LOL... you ever done a google image search on plumper (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=plumper&gbv=2)? NWS...!

[mstriumph]

glad you are ok Mr Hitcher, sir ............... life here would indeed be dull without you :yes:

[Her_C4]

The Kwaka has better evasive qualities than the ST1300 had. Go the Kawasaki!

Ha ha ha - good response - gotta give you bling for that one :clap:


Being the reserved intellectual that you are Hitch, I hope you followed him and gave him the best groin kicking of his life!

Good to know that you're still about fella :)

Hitcher?? Reserved?? :lol:


glad you are ok Mr Hitcher, sir ............... life here would indeed be dull without you :yes:

x10 - me too ;)

[Macktheknife]

plumper (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=plumper&gbv=2)? NWS...!

THAT was uncalled for! my eyes hurt...
Glad you are ok Hitcher, nice dodgeball skills.

[Coyote]

I'm afraid to ask this question, but was it a white van?
1 in a million shot at being wrong :p

[Swoop]

LOL... you ever done a google image search on plumper (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=plumper&gbv=2)? NWS...!
No I havent!
I made a feeble attempt, some time ago, to look at your sig. line stuff... but Mr Computer said that was unwise to do so...

Bill Gates wouldn't lie to me, would he?

[ManDownUnder]

No I havent!
I made a feeble attempt, some time ago, to look at your sig. line stuff... but Mr Computer said that was unwise to do so...

Bill Gates wouldn't lie to me, would he?

Mr Gates is right... Mr Knife (that'd be Mack... above) is right too...it was uncalled for.

Plumper= "Chick with lot of extra weight"
Google images of Plumpers = them doing things they REALLY enjoy, usually with guys that really seem to enjoy... err... plumpers.

[Hitcher]

err... plumpers.

Only kill bikers when they roll on top of them?

[ManDownUnder]

Only kill bikers when they roll on top of them?

Depends how big they are, but if it results in a crush injury or suffocation then yes...

[tri boy]

Nice evasive escape Hitcher.:cool:
Errrr, headlight on by any chance? (bit of a bone i gnaw on).

[Hitcher]

Nice evasive escape Hitcher.
Errrr, headlight on by any chance? (bit of a bone i gnaw on).

Headlight on. Huge helmet on. Screaming at the top of my voice.

[tri boy]

Headlight on. Huge helmet on. Screaming at the top of my voice.

Good to hear.:msn-wink:
Enjoy the weekend knowing he will probably be up to his elbows in blocked toilets, and overflowing restaurant sludge traps.:devil2:

[NOMIS]

Wanker this morning coming along the nrth western into town, cliped my elbow in my lane hooning past me while i was at 100kmph........
I never been so close to dyn in me life did he give a F***???????????
no.
Number plate BEW735 followed him to his work in parnel where he gets out od the car calling me all names under the sum wtf????????
He almost just killed me he must been doing close to 160 he came out of no where.
He over took me in my own land ii almost turned it to a 4wd on my left, so close to beeing another death and i been on my bike for just over a month now,
what a welcome to biking, Fukn prick arrrrggghhhhh What can the police do if i go to them?
Pm me if u can gve me some advice.

[jrandom]

What can the police do if i go to them?

Call them and ask!

[Ixion]

,,,
He almost just killed me he must been doing close to 160 he came out of no where.
He over took me in my own land ,,

No, he didn't come out of nowhere. That's not physically possible.

Maybe he came out of a trapdoor in the road? Or maybe he came from behind, where you weren't watching ? In y' mirrors, like ?

And, yes, occasionally you'll get a wanker overtake you in 'your' lane. Sort of, um, what we do when we lane split past cars, eh. Get used to it.

A tip to help make them give you a bit more room, weave around a bit in 'your' lane. Not wildly, just move back and forth from right wheel track to centre to left wheel track and back. So someone following doesn't get tempted by your nice straight path, leaving him just enough room to squeeze past. And it helps give a better view of what's happening 12 seconds ahead. And increase the likelihood that the car in front will see you in his mirrors.

[NOMIS]

No, he didn't come out of nowhere. That's not physically possible.

Maybe he came out of a trapdoor in the road? Or maybe he came from behind, where you weren't watching ? In y' mirrors, like ?

And, yes, occasionally you'll get a wanker overtake you in 'your' lane. Sort of, um, what we do when we lane split past cars, eh. Get used to it.

A tip to help make them give you a bit more room, weave around a bit in 'your' lane. Not wildly, just move back and forth from right wheel track to centre to left wheel track and back. So someone following doesn't get tempted by your nice straight path, leaving him just enough room to squeeze past. And it helps give a better view of what's happening 12 seconds ahead. And increase the likelihood that the car in front will see you in his mirrors.


Arnt you just funny,
I saw him coming behind me from a lomg way back so i changed lanes then he came into my lane, hmmmm are mirrors thoes shiny things that you do your make up in??? maybe you could show me what they are, of corse i check them I try to be as safe as possible, and when splitting lanes you dont do that at a stupid speed do you, maybe u do but i dont, and i certainly dont go touching people mirrors.
and the one time i have been wrong i got off my bike and apoligised to the lil old lady for giving her the shits. didnt abuse them.

[Beemer]

Headlight on. Huge helmet on. Screaming at the top of my voice.

Screaming? Or singing? Glad to hear the cursed van man didn't get you this time!

[Ixion]

Arnt you just funny,
I saw him coming behind me from a lomg way back so i changed lanes then he came into my lane, hmmmm are mirrors thoes shiny things that you do your make up in??? maybe you could show me what they are, of corse i check them I try to be as safe as possible, and when splitting lanes you dont do that at a stupid speed do you, maybe u do but i dont, and i certainly dont go touching people mirrors.
and the one time i have been wrong i got off my bike and apoligised to the lil old lady for giving her the shits. didnt abuse them.

So he didn't come from nowhere. In fact you knew he was there. And changed lanes, probably just as he did to go round you. He's probably telling his mates about the stupid motorcyclist that cut in front of him and is only alive because of his leet avoidance skillz.

Not saying Mr Sylvia isn't a prick, or even a maniac.

But if you ride a bike, you'll need to get used to that sort of thing.

I'm surprised it's taken a month for it to happen. It certainly won't be the last time. Welcome to our world.

Mr Sylvia doesn't give a flying fuck about you. He's not going to look after you. The only person who cares about you is you (and maybe other bikers - once you graduate to that status). So dealing with that sort of shit is down to you. Too hot ? Kitchen door's on y' left.

[NOMIS]

So he didn't come from nowhere. In fact you knew he was there. And changed lanes, probably just as he did to go round you. He's probably telling his mates about the stupid motorcyclist that cut in front of him and is only alive because of his leet avoidance skillz.

Not saying Mr Sylvia isn't a prick, or even a maniac.

But if you ride a bike, you'll need to get used to that sort of thing.

I'm surprised it's taken a month for it to happen. It certainly won't be the last time. Welcome to our world.

Mr Sylvia doesn't give a flying fuck about you. He's not going to look after you. The only person who cares about you is you (and maybe other bikers - once you graduate to that status). So dealing with that sort of shit is down to you. Too hot ? Kitchen door's on y' left.


Obviously u dont read correctly he had a clear lane when i moved over he came between me and a car on my right lane instead of going through a a empty lane on my left to begin with he could have gone past on the inside and got infront of me early, instead of waiting untill i was right next to a 4wd to hoon it and it was a old prick in a PRIMERA it was SILVER not a silvia, i gave him heaps of space and still thought he was in the other lane untill he touched my elbo with his wing mirror,

Hes probally telling his mates how funny it was to see me a get the shits, its happened b4 but thats been the worst,

And dont get me started about vans and u-turns,
Its not to hot to handel just need a hotter bike than my lil hornet.

[Ixion]

And as you were already doing the legal limit, and "thought he was in the other lane", how exactly would a "hotter bike" have made any difference ?

But by all means go for it, the stock market down turn is affecting my Genee-o-kleen shares, they could do with a sales boost.

[NOMIS]

And as you were already doing the legal limit, and "thought he was in the other lane", how exactly would a "hotter bike" have made any difference ?

Are you just one of thoes people who goes through life questioning everything and everyone?
Because everything that has happened so far ive been doing the friging speed limit.
You cant say that you have had these experiences and not gotta fright and and been pissed of about it, a simple "sorry " from him at the lights would have avoided me wanting to have a winge and a moan,
But getting the feeling he wouldnt given a thought to if i was dead or not pisses me off.

[dave_a]

Ixion shut the fuck up and stop stiring

[Ixion]

I need to stir him while I have the chance. He probably won't be round long enough to do it later.

[NOMIS]

I need to stir him while I have the chance. He probably won't be round long enough to do it later.

arnt you just a happy person...
When its my time its my time....
you must lead a very sad life,

im sorry for you

[jrandom]

When its my time its my time...

Yup, you're gonna die.

:yes:


you must lead a very sad life...

Ixion may be an annoying old bugger, but he's one of the happiest annoying old buggers I know...

[NOMIS]

[QUOTE=jrandom;1386391]Yup, you're gonna die.

Arnt you people lovely, thanks for the engouragment,

[jrandom]

Arnt you people lovely, thanks for the engouragment,

All right, you're going to live forever.

Feel better now?

[kiwibryn]

Arnt you people lovely, thanks for the engouragment,

My turn to say summat...
You gotta lane, don't sit one side or another. You are entitled to the whole width of that lane... USE IT!
I have had the experience of traveling at 100 and nearly being collected from behind by someone I thought was miles back. The only thing I could do was take his number and report him... although I don't think his GF was too impressed at hearing me scream in her ear as they went past... her window was down. :D