Separation orders

[Falcon]

I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

[R6_kid]

Get in there first and make sure you get the upper hand! :Pokey:

[xwhatsit]

From watching my parents go through with it, who were in a similar situation (not super-pissed with each other, but `shit happens' kind of situation), separation didn't seem to be that much of a big deal. They had a nice big house, for that they called the lawyer in so he could take care of all the paperwork for that, but for everything else they sat down and said `you'll need that, that was yours 20 years ago, do you want that or can I?' blah blah blah. No real disputes. So that was the property taken care of. No legal nonsense really.

I don't know how old your kids are, but my sister and I were in our mid-to-late teens, so they simply sat us down and asked us who wants to stay with who -- both of us picked our mother, poor dad :( -- and that was solved. They worked out some agreement by themselves to sort out the equivalent of alimony or whatever the word was. It was decided dad would pay my sister's rather expensive school fees and that was that, as I was in my last year of school so I was going to be more independent of parents anyway.

It all worked well because they weren't all bitter and twisted and bent out of shape. By not calling lawyers in, it prevented the situation from escalating. I'm about a decade away from even considering marriage so don't ask me :laugh:, but I would guess that this is a better way of going about it if the situation is just `shit happens' as you say.

Good luck. Doesn't have to be as horrible a situation as it can be.

[dino3310]

sorry to hear about the seperation mate.talk to a lawyer even if its just for advice,freindy break ups can turn nasty even when you try not to let that happen,happend to me, i got screwed over taking advantage of,that was five years ago, learnt my lesson got a lawyer just got my kids back.
best advice from me would be to see a lawyer as said above,even both of you going in and getting advice espeically when theres
kids involved.
just make sure the kids get though it without to much hassle, there the ones that hurt the most.
hope you get it sorted Ambrose

[fireliv]

Hey thats not good to hear.

My suggestions to you would be to first of go to your local court and talk to someone who deals with family court matters there. They will be able to talk to you about official processes and hopefully put you in touch with a lawyer. You may also be elegible for legal aid to pay for a lawyer for you if necessary.

Good luck

[Hitcher]

Get. A. Lawyer. Quickly.

[Badjelly]

You'll need a lawyer eventually, so go down to the community law centre and have a chat. They can help you focus.

Talk with your soon-to-be-ex wife about how you're going to look after the kids, but be prepared to adapt as circumstances change.

In my experience the big thing to sort out in the early stages is where you're going to live for the next few months and is it big enough for the kids to stay with you. Ditto for your wife. The transition from 2 people living in a family house looking after the kids to 2 people living in two separate houses (hovels?) looking after the kids is difficult financially and practically. Especially if neither of you has a back-up partner!

[cowboyz]

do not get a lawyer! You will be left with less than if you just give her everything. There is only one person who wins any time a lawyer is present and that is the lawyer.
Sit down and talk like adults about it. If you want the kids then work out how you are going to support them and where they will go to school and what they will be doing while you are working and all the things like that and put up a discussion about this is what I want and this is how I plan on doing it.

If it is decided that she is having the kids (basically, if she decides she wants the kids) DO NOT FIGHT IT!!!. DO NOT go anywhere near the family courts. They are a very dangerous place to be if you are male, and especially if you have some savings.
Do not give her money or make any arrangement of any kind. IRD will take care of that and bill you what THEY think you should cough up for the kids. Anything you arrange seperately will be seperate and you will have to pay as well.
Dont get caught up in what you think you need. No idea how old you are but material things can be rebuilt pretty quickly.

KEEP THE BIKE.

[cowboyz]

You'll need a lawyer eventually,

What for? .

[Badjelly]

Just responding to what others have said while I was writing my post...

You will need a lawyer, but any good lawyer will advise you to try to get on with your ex. Lawyers charge by 6-minute chunks and they cost a lot. Court battles are hard on everyone. It doesn't have to turn nasty and you should try your best to make sure it doesn't.

Trust but verify.

[BIHB@0610]

Agree - go see the family court, get the forms etc. And go see a lawyer for advice, but don't be sucked in by them, and remember they will charge you around $150 just for the first meeting - get them to tell you the minimum that needs to go into a separation agreement and then you might be able to draft one up yourself and get it witnessed so it's all kosher. I did my own parenting order application (used to be called custody order), can send you the forms if you PM me. I also did the divorce papers on my own but they're a piece of wees. Never paid a lawyer for anything but one of my best friends is a family court lawyerm that helped :-) .

Remember that if you want a certain arrangement re the kids, make sure you start that way - don't think "I'll sort access out later, week on week off, when I've got my head around it all" - or every second weekend, or whatever you want. If it all turns to custard the courts won't be keen to change the status quo.

Union of Fathers is a great organisation - some people love them, some hate them, but I say give them a go and make up your own mind. At least there are people there in the same situation as you, and they can give you some decent advice about all the sepration stuff, not just the kids.

Good luck and Big Hugs.

[sidecar bob]

I would suggest a 6 pack of Heineken & a packet of ciggies, some paper & a pen.
I had three properties, a business, numerous vehicles & motorbikes, two children etc etc etc, & thats how we sorted ours out.
Speak with your ex, thats the only way you are going to sort it out, Only involve a third party as an absolute last resort.
Right now is the time for good communication between you two.
We went to a lawyer only to set in concrete what we had agreed between ourselves beforehand, inexpensive easy & stress free.
P.S not the best approach R6kid, piss the woman off & you will pay.

[Badjelly]

What for? .

Oh, eventually you'll need a custody agreement and a property agreement. You want someone on your side who can look at these things and tell you about any pitfalls.

My ex-wife and I had a very non-disputatious separation (I won't say amicable or friendly, because I'm still very bitter about things, but I couldn't see the point in turning my bitterness into disputes about money or (especially) kids). We both consulted lawyers. I think we each ended spending ~ $200 on lawyer's fees.

Getting a lawyer does not == engaging in long, expensive court dispute.

[kevfromcoro]

Get. A. Lawyer. Quickly.

Agree ..go and talk to a lawyer.
Know where u stand.
When the shit hits the fan ..which doesnt look to far away
protect yourself
if you can settle anything by talking rationally ...do it
will save you a lot finacially and mentally
seems to be when this sort of thing happens..
the law protects the kids 1st and the women 2nd.
men are way down the pecking order.
dont worry...dont know who u are are
just dont like seeing bloke screwed

[JimO]

everything will be sweet until she gets a new man or you get a girlfriend then the shit will hit the fan sort everything out early (now)

[sidecar bob]

everything will be sweet until she gets a new man or you get a girlfriend then the shit will hit the fan sort everything out early (now)

I dont agree jimjim, My ex & i have been/are in new relationships & it hasnt changed a thing between us.

[cowboyz]

there is no property and custody agreements arent worth shit nowadays.

ok. I reneg. If you must have a lawyer then make sure that you do not HIRE the lawyer. Have all corospondence from her lawyer directed at you and if anything stupid comes your way send a letter back saying,

Dear Sir,

I disagree,

Thanking you.
your name.

For anything that you think may be important (anything pertaining to the kids) then read it 50 times and if you still dont get it then go ask a lawyer to draft a letter and appropriate documents for the courts for you but again, be clear you are not hiring him/her and be very very clear on what s/he is going to charge you to write that letter.
Be Honest and do what you think it right in reguards to your ex.

Be very very careful around lawyers.

[wilber]

if your still on good talking terms sort it out between yourselves without getting lawyers involved ,it is only going to get messy and costly ,only one winner and its the lawyer ,see one when you'll sorted your stuff out ,been there done that

[Chickadee]

Have you got someone that can help you guys intially before getting a lawyer?

Might be worthwhile finding someone neutral that would be prepared to sit down and list your shared assets and responsiblities and child raising commitments. Then once you have a better idea go see a lawyer.

This website may be of use to you both
http://www.justice.govt.nz/family/what-familycourt-does/relationships/advice/general.asp

[civil]

Dont get a Lawyer !!! Dont get a Lawyer !!!!

Sort it out between yourself. If your ex gets Lawyered up then give Union of Fathers a call and be prepared to learn how to fight in the courts yourself (and so be sucessful) WITHOUT A LAWYER, or just get on a plane and go leaving everything behind. Getting a lawyer will give you the same result.

[scumdog]

Get a lawyer.
And EVERYTHING is split 50/50 - bills, bikes, money, assets.

[kevfromcoro]

Get a lawyer.
And EVERYTHING is split 50/50 - bills, bikes, money, assets.

As he said...get a lawyer

[Swoop]

Get a lawyer.

A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on...

This will protect you further on down the track.

Nobody likes the scalyback slimy fuckers, but get a lawyer.

[roadracingoldfart]

go see the family courts and ask for a meeting to see what you need to achieve for the kids sake.
The family courts prefer you to sort out an agreement yourselfs but are available through counciling and such to make sure everything is above board.
Ill add that if you do not manage to arrange an agreement all are happy with the family court WILL pass a judgement for you and then trouble can manifest itself to greater levels. The kids get a lawyer appointed and then you are passed the agreement stage and into the doing what your told stage.
A court judgement will be focused on what they think is best for the kids and you have to suck it and see.

When i left my ex i took the race bike, my stereo, tools and a few other personal things and left the house etc to her. hey , the kids needed a safe home.
I now pay for them through IRD and have them to stay all the time and holidays if i want.
The biggest hurt i have ever felt was when you get turned on by so called friends / family . Its like they have to blame someone for whats happening.

[SVboy]

I think there is a lot of sound advice in this thread-coming from different perspectives and experiences. Take what you want from it, but make sure it fits your circumstances. If you are not in a war, why start one-if you are in the trenchs already-bring in the hired help asap.
FWIW..my experience was to sit down with my then wife very early and nut out an agreement re property and child access. Then have it ratified by the bloodsu...err lawyers, which will still cost too much. I found it was better to give than recieve...its only $$ and stuff. You will recover. depending on where YOU are emotionally now, you could be about to face a very difficult personal episode, which could take a lot or strength to get through. The last thing you need is a war with your ex re petty stuff. This is also the LAST thing your kids need. Court battles are to be avoided at all costs. They will suck the humanity right out of you.

[scumdog]

I dont agree jimjim, My ex & i have been/are in new relationships & it hasnt changed a thing between us.

I agree - in fact things can change for the positive

My ex went from "if you think you're getting a divorce from me you've got another think coming"

To: "I've met somebody else - can you speed the divorce up??" a month later.

[warewolf]

Hah! Mate of mine was getting the run-around from his wife for over 12 months. Suddenly she wants to buy a house with that other fellah and she's nagging him to sign the paperwork and pay her out.

They sorted out the split between them, used some arbitration or something, then got an accountant to crunch the numbers. Not sure who drew up the contract. He took it to his lawyer and asked, "does this contract she's given me do what I've told you we've agreed on?" The lawyer abused him for not disputing the settlement and fired him! Yes, the lawyer fired his customer!! Then sent him a bill for two 15 minute phone calls. Subsequent lawyer said, "yep, well written contract, sign it. And we'll tell that other snake you'll pay off his bill at $5 a month, which means he'll write it off himself."

[Mrs Busa Pete]

I think there is a lot of sound advice in this thread-coming from different perspectives and experiences. Take what you want from it, but make sure it fits your circumstances. If you are not in a war, why start one-if you are in the trenchs already-bring in the hired help asap.
FWIW..my experience was to sit down with my then wife very early and nut out an agreement re property and child access. Then have it ratified by the bloodsu...err lawyers, which will still cost too much. I found it was better to give than recieve...its only $$ and stuff. You will recover. depending on where YOU are emotionally now, you could be about to face a very difficult personal episode, which could take a lot or strength to get through. The last thing you need is a war with your ex re petty stuff. This is also the LAST thing your kids need. Court battles are to be avoided at all costs. They will suck the humanity right out of you.



These are very wise words :niceone:

[skidMark]

I don't want to say too much cause I don't need any sympathy from people recognising me. All I want to know is what I have to do. This is not a Skidmark thread, it's a genuine request for help. If you work out who I am don't bother asking I won't tell you.


oh cmon we can make is a skidmark thread here i am.

if you can't figure out yourself how to get a divorce.....you arnt gunna do any better than her.

really fair on your kids too.

good on ya chump. i mean champ.

[ynot slow]

Agree with if you can sort it out without lawyers do it comments.

As for child support don't agree to anything prior as IRD will tell you how much you will pay,assuming she will need a benefit,and if she has got the DPB and you need a lawyer she will have one as well,but you have to pay for your one,she will get hers on legal aid.If you decide together the child support you can agree and take it to IRD.

50/50 is crap,I had a part settlement organised with the ex,she said that's ok re house payment,I agreed that $xx was hers in house,I'd take half the balance,i.e $55000 out of $100000 not to be touched by me.was happy with $25000.We had it pretty well sussed out till her parents got in on the act,thought I was taking all of my 50% of house,they then got a dodgy valuation to drag it out in lawyers fees.

Try to sit down amicably and sort it out,then take the documents to a lawyer to sign up.

[The Pastor]

run away to hamilton

[Grahameeboy]

Hi all, not saying my real name for the reasons that follow.
I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

I don't want to say too much cause I don't need any sympathy from people recognising me. All I want to know is what I have to do. This is not a Skidmark thread, it's a genuine request for help. If you work out who I am don't bother asking I won't tell you.

Well the Family Court pay for 6 Mediation sessions to help you come to agreement regarding stuff and custody of kids.

I would try that first as once Lawyers get involved it gets more serious.

You will at some stage need to properly sort out custody. After over 2 years of having equal shared custody, ex has met a new partner etc and wants full care so beware of this one.

It will be fine.....pm if you need to vent.

[oscarnz]

Hi all, not saying my real name for the reasons that follow.
I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

I don't want to say too much cause I don't need any sympathy from people recognising me. All I want to know is what I have to do. This is not a Skidmark thread, it's a genuine request for help. If you work out who I am don't bother asking I won't tell you.

I am going thru the same thing myself. We have discussed things and sorted things out. We had already sold the house, but we still had a business together, and assets. We have decided who is getting what each, and have a lawyer drawing up a separation agreement just to make things official.

My advice is, to sort things out between yourselves first, write down who is getting what, and arrangements with kids etc. Then get a lawyer to draw up a seperation agreement (approx $500 ours is costing). That way you don't waste money going back and forward between lawyers.

Just remember to keep smiling.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Do get good advice from a lawyer. While you may not think it will turn to shit you NEVER know another person. I sat down with my ex husband and asked him to be professional and mature about this and I honestly thought he would however what I got was "I'll only talk to you thru a fn lawyer" he manged to drag that process thru the courts for 4.5 years cost him $70,000 so I could get nothing. LOL.

By far the best way is be armed with knowledge and facts first. Then sit down with partner and say you want to be fair and amicable. Unless you directly communicate what you want never assume the other person knows. How can they? Nobody can read minds. The marriage may not work - make sure the separation/divorce does - in a healthy way - it sure benefits the children.

My sister and her ex husband did it really well - we all still love and see our ex brother in law and his new wife and family.

Open, clear, honest communication and you can't go wrong - at least your conscience will be clear at the end of the day.

Good luck - breakups are not easy or pleasant at all. One day at a time.

[Grahameeboy]

everything will be sweet until she gets a new man or you get a girlfriend then the shit will hit the fan sort everything out early (now)

Too true, has happened to me..even the lady at the Court says this is a common theme.

[Grahameeboy]

I think there is a lot of sound advice in this thread-coming from different perspectives and experiences. Take what you want from it, but make sure it fits your circumstances. If you are not in a war, why start one-if you are in the trenchs already-bring in the hired help asap.
FWIW..my experience was to sit down with my then wife very early and nut out an agreement re property and child access. Then have it ratified by the bloodsu...err lawyers, which will still cost too much. I found it was better to give than recieve...its only $$ and stuff. You will recover. depending on where YOU are emotionally now, you could be about to face a very difficult personal episode, which could take a lot or strength to get through. The last thing you need is a war with your ex re petty stuff. This is also the LAST thing your kids need. Court battles are to be avoided at all costs. They will suck the humanity right out of you.

Agree, however, my ex has never been co-operative with shared parenting of Nats with heer special needs and regulary tells me that they do this and why don't I and now she is applying for full care spouting petty and silly allegations now she has met someone so now in the Custody Battle stage with FC.

A lawyer has been asking questions to Nats etc.....on the one hand I am sure it will be okay, however, being a Dad there is always that niggling doubt.

[ManDownUnder]

Bugger - sorry to hear it.

I know of one or two that have been through this and could adivse from a personal angle... one with a good expereince/outcome... and another dealing with a bad one.

I guess there's something to learn from both sides but hope it all works out as well as it can.

[Swoop]

" can you speed the divorce up?

*Must... refrain... from... making... comment... on... speeding...* :rofl:

[MSTRS]

Complications arise in the following areas, and in no particular order...

Real estate owned
Kids
Superannuation funds
Major possessions such as vehicles
Emotionally charged stuff like photos

Pretty much everything else is crumbs and not to be concerned about

You have no house etc of your own, so that's good.
You don't say how old your kids are, but the older they are, the easier that one is to deal with, because you can involve them in decisions that relate to them without resorting to 'mum/dad know best and you will do as told'.
If you have a super fund, that can get tricky, because the split of that is not it's current worth, but it's projected value. You will need an Actuary to do this. If you have a fund, but it's only been going a short time then usually it will be split on current value.
Vehicles usually get allocated a market value, so split accordingly with cash or same value of other possessions to offset any imbalance in value. Of course, bikes can have a greater emotional worth, but you have to keep that to a minimum to avoid 'blackmail'.
If you want photos, get someone you both trust to arrange copies for you both.
General furniture and stuff should be split according to the kids' requirements. Of course, great-grandma's dinnerset can be troublesome - the mature thing to do is to take things like that out of the equation and leave it in 'the blood family'.

Try to resolve everything yourselves, draw up the agreement and have it notarised, then lodge it with the Family Court.

If things are difficult, or nasty, GET A LAWYER. NOW.

[pinkhoggirl]

Mate
I haven't read ANY of the posts in this thread, because I have my own experience in this and thats where this comes from - JUST me. But just to be clear - people will sympathize WITHOUT knowing who you are, because this is one of the hardest things to go thru. Its just hard - but dont lose hope - its really possible to come out the other end very very good friends. I've done it. I've also done it the ugly way, and that wasn't even a marriage. First situation was a marriage of 13 years, and I've just last weekend been to his fiance's 40th birthday party - we get along famously. Second was a bad mistake of a relationship that got VERY ugly and cost me a lot of money to get out of. So....i'll pm you mate - got tooooo much to say.

Be strong.

[Falcon]

Thanks to all posters here.
Things I have done since yesterday;
Kept a diary of all discussions, meetings and agreements between me and the ex.
New, separate bank account.
Been to family court and applied for counselling - to reach an amicable agreement. I have to look out for mine and my kids rights.
Been given through the family court a whole lot of pamphlets and a couple of dvd's - 'Parenting through separation' and one for the kids about separation.
Got the services of who is apparently an awesome lawyer.
Had a couple of friends who know whats going on get in touch and just be there for me.
Been home to change the frontoor lock and secure the property so no-one at all can get in with out my knowledge or permission. This is important in context of other people who are getting themselves involved (her family)

The advice here has been absolutely invaluable - Thanks a heap. Yep it sucks at times but it will work out eventually.

[sweetp]

Sounds like you are doing really well at sorting this out. I just want to add that you really don't want to keep anything "joint" eg a loan or bills. Try and buy it out rather than leave it together. No matter how well the split is life happens and sometimes your ex wont be able to pay and you end up holding the can.

[oldguy]

well mate I cant add anything more to whats already been said, from some of the posts Ive read in this thread other Kbers have been through it as well,
funny thing is in my case, my ex is now my best friend, even thou she has a new partner who I get on with real well.
The most important is the children, they are still going to need you both.

as pinkhoggirl said,

be strong.

all the best John.