Share your txt jokes

[jimichelle]

she the one in the fish nets

[crazyhorse]

Broke my record last night for continual sex.

New time of 1 hour, 1 minute and 3 seconds!

Then I realised the fuckin clocks had gone forward an hour :gob: :rofl:

[Spicer]

Two old guys were chatting.... .
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!... ..
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[Spicer]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that’s her, she wasnt that tall!'

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

[Spicer]

I went to see the nurse for a check up.She told me i needed to stop wanking.I asked why?She said 'because im examining you!'

[Spicer]

5 men break into a chemist and steal a jar of viagra.Police say they're looking for a bunch of hardened criminals in possession of swallon goods.

[Spicer]

who is your real friend? Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot which one is really happy to see you?

[Spicer]

A queer walked into a gay bar and.... aw never mind, you were probably there and saw the whole thing.

[Spicer]

A sexy woman in a bar walks up to the bartender and puts her fingers in his mouth. After he licks and sucks her fingers she says to him 'tell your manager theres no toilet paper'

[Mental Trousers]

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

[Conquiztador]

Statistically only one dwarf in seven is Happy.

[crazyhorse]

Husband asks wife: How many men have you slept with?

Wife proudly replies: Only you darling, with all the others I was wide awake.

:killingme

[Insanity_rules]

I know a food that can make women gain 20 Kgs................Wedding cake!

[Hinny]

I know a food that can make women gain 20 Kgs................Wedding cake!

I thought that was 'gain 100kg of useless fat'...

[Mental Trousers]

Statistically only one dwarf in seven is Happy.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Grumpy!!

[Spicer]

I asked Santa 4 a condom,I got 3,I asked Santa 4 a doller,I got 10.I asked for a ho,and got this number

[Spicer]

4 da 12 days of xmas my true luv gave 2 me.1 sticky tinny,2 magic mushys,3 lines of speed,4 tabs of e,5 tokes p,& da otha 6 i spent in A&E

[Hopeful Bastard]

Dan: I now get to park in Handicapped parking spaces

Bob: What?! You aren't handicapped!

Dan: Yes i am. I'm Married

[Hinny]

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,



A ginger haired kid, with two friends?

[one fast tl1ooo]

definition of a nervous wreck. A man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend....... and they're all a month late!!!

[crazyhorse]

Tegal Chicken is hiring at $38.55 per hour. When I told them about your experience handling cocks........ well, ...... you start Monday!!!! :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

A teenage girl asks her mom' is it true babys cum out of where boys put their penis?' "yes" says mum "fuckin hell " wont that break my jaw?!

[one fast tl1ooo]

A mum was cleaning her 12yr olds sons bedroom, Finds a load of bondage gear.. she asks her husband wot to do.. huby says whatever you do DON'T spank him....:spanking::spanking::spanking:

[crazyhorse]

Paddy caught his wife having an affair so decided to kill her and himself.

He puts a gum to his head, looks at his wife, and says "don't laugh - you're fuckin next!"

[2wheeldrifter]

DIY Tip! If your lady is on al 4's with cum dripping from both sides of her mouth what does that tell you?

Floors level!

[2wheeldrifter]

83 fish in a tank, 27 drown,how many left....................................??













STOP COUNTING STUPID!






Fish can't drown!

(send to slow mates like u)

[one fast tl1ooo]

women eh! boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed... And they wont take it up the arse cause it HURTS

[one fast tl1ooo]

A wife says to her husband, "bulls can fuck 3000 times a year, why can't you?

"husband replies " ask the bull if he fucks the same cow like i do

[one fast tl1ooo]

Boy walks in on dad fuckin mom, Dad winks and keeps going. next day dad walks in on boy fuckin grandma. the boy winks and says not so funny when its your mum !!!

[crazyhorse]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a long password, she said....well it had to be 8 Characters.

[Stirts]

Confucius say
'man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist!'

[crazyhorse]

2 rats in a sewer:

One says "I'm sick of it! Shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for tea"

The other rat says "Cheer up! we'll hit the piss later" :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his paper?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

[one fast tl1ooo]

TEACHER: Now, Simon, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

[one fast tl1ooo]

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

[crazyhorse]

TEACHER: Alex, what do you call a person who talks when people are no longer interested?
ALEX: A teacher
__________________________________

[crazyhorse]

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his paper?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

[crazyhorse]

TEACHER: George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, and admitted it. Now, Louie, why didn't his father punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

[crazyhorse]

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

[crazyhorse]

PRICELESS!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

Hi its me, YOU'R MOBILE. You havnt really got a txt, I just wanted you 2 take me out of your pocket because your ass stinks!!!! Thanks for the breath of fresh air....:clap::clap:

[one fast tl1ooo]

Whats the difference between PMT and BSE?????

One attacks the cows brain and sends it fucking mental,,,

And the other is an agricultral problem

[Stirts]

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.

[Hinny]

10 girls have come forward. Another 8 and Tiger will have his own golf course.

[one fast tl1ooo]

chinese man rings his boss. me no work today i sick....boss says when i'm sick i fuck my wife,,, try that??? 2hrs later chinese man rings back,, me better , you got nice house........:2thumbsup

[shafty]

It was four years ago today I lost my wife - helluva poker game :2thumbsup

[one fast tl1ooo]

Man comes back from amazon with cock sucking frog and shows it to his wife.
She asks, What should I do with that??? He says teach it to cook,, then fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[crazyhorse]

Did you know there are 5 teletubbies? But you never see the other one becuase he's in jail.

His name is Rangipo

:killingme

[one fast tl1ooo]

R U OK???? I saw the special needs bus flip over and i know you dont like to wear you'r helmet cause you can't lick the windows with it on..

[crazyhorse]

Humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore
Humpty dumpty spoofed on da floor
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again

[one fast tl1ooo]

Scientists have revealed today they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians,,,, Its called:::: TRYDIXAGAIN....

[Hinny]

Little boy asks his mum Why am I black and you're white. Mum says Don't even ask. When I think back to that fuckin party it's lucky you don't bark.

[one fast tl1ooo]

I just heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearin only a thong and ridin a goat. I come an get ya this time........ But this shit has to stop!!!!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Lent the maori next door a tenner last week, haven't seen him sinch. fuckin bargin

[crazyhorse]

Man says to the wife.

I had a wet dream about you last night

She says, really.

He says yes!...

You got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing

[one fast tl1ooo]

In bed man grins at wife- she says not tonite darlin i have got a gynecologist
apt 2moro and wanta stay clean!!!! He then asks do you have a dentist apt 2morrow ??????

[crazyhorse]

A guy ordered 6 drinks to celebrate his 1st blow job.

The bartender offers him a 7th for free and the man says

If 6 can't get rid of the taste, the 7th won't :rofl:

[gsx katana]

Have you heard about the new running shoe for lesbians??? Its called dykie. No strings attached, A long tongue and you can get them off with one finger!!

[Spicer]

Xmas is comin,my arse is gettin fat,i hate fuckin turkey,Santa is a twat.Credit crunch is on & times are really hard,so consider this ure fuckin xmas card!

[Spicer]

I wish u peace,Luv & Health,Blah Blah Blah.Fuck that shit! I wish u lots of Sex,Alcohol orgasms & hope u win the fuckin lottery.Happy Holidays.

[Spicer]

Hey i bought u a xmas present from the sex shop.Its a blow up doll, but when i got it home it went down on me so im keeping it!

[Spicer]

Don't forget to lay glad wrap under ure xmas tree,so that when Santa comes and empties his sack he don'st make a mess on ure carpet.

[Spicer]

Wots is the difference between Santa claus & Tiger woods?...Santa stops after 3 ho's!

[Spicer]

How do female reindeer spend their christmas eve night? They go into town and blow afew bucks.


Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because he saw the snowblower coming down the street.

[Spicer]

B4 the sun sets on 2009
B4 the memories fade
B4 the network gets jammed
& b4 i get drunk & lose my phone
im wishing u a very happy & prosperous 2010

[Spicer]

2 irish men are in the pub chattin.Paddy sez "If i shag ure wife & she has a kid,"will that make us related?" "NO" sez Mick,"that"ll make us even."

[Monkeynz]

A blowfly eats his fill of cowshit, climbs up shovel handle then jumps to fly away but falls to his death. MORAL OF THE STORY- If you're full of shit then don't fly off the handle!

[Spicer]

BRAVERY IS...
Arriving home after a boozy nite,being confronted by missus with broom & having the guts 2 ask "R u still cleaning or r u flying somewhere?"

[Monkeynz]

If you had a friend called Jack and Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse too? :rofl:

[Spicer]

Wots the difference between light & hard?
You can sleep with the light on.

[Monkeynz]

How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations! But none of them rub your cock and say well done!

[Monkeynz]

Wots the difference between light & hard?
You can sleep with the light on.

What does a woman's vagina and a tin roof have in common? If you don't nail it good enough it might end up at the neighbours house!

[Monkeynz]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car!

[Spicer]

Police scanner just reported a drunk naked idoit wearing snow boots ,singing im a believer,riding a lawn mower down the highway!
WHERE THE FUCK R U GOING?

[Monkeynz]

I was at the ATM the other day when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance..... so I pushed her over!

[Monkeynz]

I was outside yesterday and saw my Afghan neighbour really shaking a carpet. I shouted over to him "Whats the matter Abdul, won't it fuckin start?"

[Spicer]

I know a maori whose name is jim,i luv throwing tomatoes hard at him,tomatoes are soft & hurt the skin,but these fuckers do,coz they're still in the tin!

[crazyhorse]

15 year old girl sites on Santa's knee.

he asks "what would you like for Christmas?"

Girl says "I want some hair around my fanny"

Santa says "would a white beard be ok?"

[Monkeynz]

Next time you call in sick 2 work, tell them you have "Anal Blindness" If they ask "what's that?" Tell them "I can't see my arse coming into work today."

[YellowDog]

With so many beautiful friends to wish a happy new year to I thought I'd get the ugly ones out of the way first. Happy New Year to you!

[Mental Trousers]

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 12 inch dick?

Nothing.... They all make your eyes water.

[Mental Trousers]

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

[Laava]

Fantastic! I've just discovered Twitter! It's my girlfriends sensitive area between the Twat and the Shitter!

[Leviticus]

i saved a girl from getting raped today... I stayed in and had a wank instead


A girl asked her doctor "how many calories in cum?" Doctor replied, " Honey, if you swallow, no one will care if your fat"


I was at my girlfriends for dinner the other night when she asked me to turn the veg on. Apparently fingering her disabled sister in her wheelchair isn't what she meant

[Spicer]

If the answer to the question is cock robin,what is the question?
What's that up my arse batman?

[Spicer]

What tastes good on pies,but not on pussy?....Crust!

[Spicer]

I came out of the shop today and slipped on some dog shit and hit the deck.
As i was getting up,an old lady did the same thing.I said "i just did that" she said
'you dirty cunt"

[MSTRS]

Fun Facts:
Girls have unique magic tricks: They get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

[one fast tl1ooo]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today, apparent, the instruction " finish off on her face " didnt mean what i thought it did!!!!

[kevfromcoro]

2 shelias were having a punchup in a pub
bloke yells out........... kick her in the cunt
voice comes from the next room
yeah....... kick it in here

[one fast tl1ooo]

I still remember play time at school,, A bit of footy , sneakin a quick cigarette and tryin to finger girls behind the bike sheds............. I loved that caretakers job.........

[one fast tl1ooo]

I think I messed up my blind date last nite.. during the meal she asked, whats my pet hate??? I said it doesnt like things shoved up its arse!!!!!!!!!!!11

[crazyhorse]

Out of curiosity, I entered the word 'wanker' into my cars Sattelite GPS, just to see what happens and guess what?

Put the kettle on. I'm outside your place :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

Fantastic! I've just discovered Twitter.

Its the wife's sensitive area between the Twat and the Shitter:dodge:

[crazyhorse]

Rubbish man cums accross a maori leanin on his fence and sez 'weaz ur bin?'
Maori sez, 'I bin on holiday'
Na bro, weaz ur wheely-bin?'
'ok, I wheely bin in jail'

[crazyhorse]

Aren't blow up dolls fucking great?
I mean, where else can you find a woman that always looks shocked at the size of your cock? :innocent:

[Leviticus]

Same rubbish man sees a Chinese man leaning on his fence and asks "wheres ya bin?"
"In the bathroom" replies the chink
"No, your dustbin?" asks the binman " I just been having a shit" replies the slope
"NO, Your Wheelie bin?"
"OK, I really bin having a wank"

[crazyhorse]

COMING SOON: THE ASPIRIN TAX

NEWS BULLETIN: LABOUR IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN!

WHY?...

WELL, PRIMARILY BECAUSE IT’S WHITE AND IT WORKS. :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

Man goes to wizard and asks, can you lift a curse put on me years ago?
Maybe, says the wizard, if you can remember the exact words.

Man replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife" :killingme

[crazyhorse]

Latest club craze is to fill a womans vagina with vodka then suck it out using a straw.
The Health experts are now warning about the dangers of milnge drinking :rofl:

[MSTRS]

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bouncing up and down, and nipples from sticking out when it's cold. His colleagues have kicked his fucking head in...

[crazyhorse]

Police scanner just reported a drunk naked blonde wearing snow boots, singing "I'm a believer" riding a donkey down Broadway!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

[crazyhorse]

Cops just found semen in a female murder victims ear..... Its highly likely she heard her killer coming

[crazyhorse]

The sad life of a vagina....
My hairs a mess, my mates are lippy, my neighbours an asshole, my visitors are dicks and my owner keeps giving me the finger!

[crazyhorse]

Twins talking inside Mothers womb
Twin 1: The place is shaking, Daddys here again. He's early today
Twin 2: Shhhh, thats not Daddy, cause Daddy doesn't wear a raincoat!

[one fast tl1ooo]

In my biology exam today i was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. apparently maori's and coconuts is not the correct answer. :lol:

[golfmade]

How do you sink a Swedish submarine? Swim down and knock on the hatch.

TAOISM: Shit happens. ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us? MORMON: 10% of my shit belongs to God. SCIENTOLOGY: Shit can happen to you too. RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

[crazyhorse]

I was at my girlfriends for diner the other night, when she asked me to turn the veg on.
Apparently fingering her disabled sister in the wheelchair is not what she meant!

[crazyhorse]

It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church. Husband waiting at the alter. I walked up the aisle and kissed him on the cheek.
Smiled, and closed the fuckin lid

[crazyhorse]

What's the difference between medium and rare??

6 inches is medium
and 8 inches is rare :rofl: :lol: :laugh: :yes:

[crazyhorse]

Mummy and daddy say to son "we're trying to make a brother or sister for u"
Son replies "fuck that, can you do it doggy style so I can have a puppy" :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

I watahed as tha ' other ' woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. understandably, I decided to have a wank... midwives eh, no sense of humour...

[crazyhorse]

Man wakes wife up and asks
"would you like some coffee dariling, or would you prefer sex?"
"I'm not fussed" she replied, "etiher way it's going to be fucking instant!"

[avgas]

If wanking makes you blind - what does fucking fat chicks do?

[one fast tl1ooo]

more money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than alzheimer's researh!! by 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why..

[one fast tl1ooo]

they finally arressted the serial butt fucker. So you can stop sleeping on your stomach naked with the window open ... its not gonna happen.

[KiWiP]

Printed in The Guardian (British paper)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

[one fast tl1ooo]

sum bird was givin me a blowjob the other day when suddenly, she stuck her finger up my ass!! women aye, they will do anything to get a ring on their finger.. !!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, But it doesnt . it revolves around the sun, which shines out my arse!! :lol:

[one fast tl1ooo]

do you want to come to a charity do at the weekend, it's for women with no legs. the dance floor will be crawling with pussy.

[blackdog]

Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes a woman scream in the morning?

Cot death!

[blackdog]

If a woman doesnt like it when i masturbate, she should....

a/ join in
b/ masturbate herself, or
c/ find another seat on the goddam bus!

[crazyhorse]

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a fuckin shit :lol:

[crazyhorse]

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way... So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me

[crazyhorse]

My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "That would hurt too much."

[crazyhorse]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[crazyhorse]

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

[crazyhorse]

As she wrote a valentines day message to her Lover, she couldn't remember how to spell 'penis' even though earlier, it had been on the tip of her tounge!

[one fast tl1ooo]

WIFE" I have a headache" HUSBAND" Perfect, i was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with asirin, U can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you.

[Leviticus]

You know you can say what you like about paedophiles........ but at least they drive slowly past schools :D

[crazyhorse]

If mothers celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day and lovers celebrate valentines day,
Do wankers celbrate palm sunday? :yes:

[Mental Trousers]

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb

[Mental Trousers]

Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two gay cannibals in a 69er

[Mental Trousers]

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

[Mental Trousers]

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Blond drops shirt at the cleaners, asian lady thanks her and says come again, blond replies, NO its tooth paste this time you nosey bitch

[KiWiP]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

1- Remove your lap top from its bag

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3- Turn on

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5- Turn on the Internet

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7- Take a deep breath and open this site TickTockTickTock (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)

8-Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger :sweatdrop:sweatdrop:sweatdrop

[Mental Trousers]

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch .....

But this was a long time ago and it was just that ONE day.

[MSTRS]

I'm gutted! Yesterday, I was in the local Maori shop, quite happily going through a magazine, when the bloody gun jammed.

[gtr boy]

i remember play time at school ,bit of footy,sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger the girls behind the bike shed


























l loved that care takers job

[crazyhorse]

What do smoking cigarettes and licking pussy have in common?
The flavour gets stronger as you get closer to the butt :laugh:

[munster]

Husband asks wife "how about a rape role play tonight?"

Wife says "no"

Husband says "that's the spirit!"

[Leviticus]

what's the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley? . . . . the location of the dirt bag

[crazyhorse]

Sex is like McDonalds "I'm Loving it"
Pussy is like Subway "Eat Fresh!"
Dick is like gatorade "Get it in you"
this text is like a STD "spread it!"

[crazyhorse]

If an abbo and a Maori both fall off a cliff, who hits the ground last?
Although you say who gives a fuck, it is in fact the Maori, as he is a shade lighter :rofl:

[KiWiP]

who hits the ground last?......... the Maori, as he is a shade lighter :rofl:
Actually by Newtons 2nd law of motion F=ma, although the Aborigine will hit the ground with more force as the Maori is indeed lighter, they will hit the ground with the same speed and at the same time because the acceleration (due to gravity) is the same independent of the individuals masses.

Erm... I'm getting a cold feeling inside that I've missed the point somewhere ??? :scratch:

[crazyhorse]

Actually by Newtons 2nd law of motion F=ma, although the Aborigine will hit the ground with more force as the Maori is indeed lighter, they will hit the ground with the same speed and at the same time because the acceleration (due to gravity) is the same independent of the individuals masses.

Erm... I'm getting a cold feeling inside that I've missed the point somewhere ??? :scratch:

You and pdath should get together LOL

[crazyhorse]

How do you know when you are dating a hard bitch?
When you ask her for a blow job and she replies
"nah, I'm too tired, just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning"

[crazyhorse]

Whats the difference between a Prostitute and the XT network?
XT goes down on you faster!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Alert.......... tsunami on way........ All maori to report to foreshore to protect the beaches........urgent

[KiWiP]

Whats the difference between a Prostitute and the XT network?
XT goes down on you faster!
Or
XT costs more but it does go down on you faster and doesn't stop sucking when you run out of credit :bleh:

[crazyhorse]

You know you're Australian if....
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

[Spazman727]

What did god say when he made the first black person?
Oh fuck, I burnt one.

[crazyhorse]

You know you're Australian if....
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

[jack_hamma]

saw a nigger buying a polyester shirt the other day.... had me confused as i thought they only picked cotton

[2wheeldrifter]

A mans love song...luv me tender, luv me sweet,wrap ya lips around my meat. C me smile, c me grin,c my luv run down ya chin :)

[<G>]

Women are like phones -- they like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and you're disconnected!

[DRFTHR]

FRIENDSHIP : none of that sissy crap !
1. when ur sad i will help u get drunk and plot revenge on the bastard that mad u sad
2. when u r blue i will try to dislodge whatever u r chocking on
3. when u smile i will know ur thinking of somthing evil that i would probly want to be involved in
4. when u r sick stay the fuck away from me till u r well again * i dont wont it *
5. when u fall i will laugh at ur clumsy arse, but help u up when i can laugh know more
this is my oath Why? because im ur mate :)

[Leviticus]

Started a new job in a music shop 2day. A Maori came in and asked 'do u have anything by The Doors?' I said 'yes an alarm & 2 security guards so fuck off

[Leviticus]

Our microwave oven is for sale! The kids put our pet rooster in it and now everything tastes like cock! Thought you might be interested?

[crazyhorse]

A fact of life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F ........... :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

I was horrified to learn that donkeys are hung like niggers, what sick would hang a donkey from a tree

[crazyhorse]

I started cage fighting and won my first fight earlier today.........
Fuckin budgie never knew what hit it............!!

[crazyhorse]

A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce:

A man went to Amsterdam andsent a message to his wife:

"Having the most amazing and wonderful time. Wish you were her"

[slofox]

I started cage fighting and won my first fight earlier today.........
Fuckin budgie never knew what hit it............!!

"YOu must spread yadda yadda yadda..."

You're sick, CH y'know that? SICK!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

"YOu must spread yadda yadda yadda..."

You're sick, CH y'know that? SICK!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Yip! But sick with a sense of humor :lol:

[crazyhorse]

Susan Boyle has a photo shoot in town tomorrow.

Simon Cowell wants to improve her image by surrounding her with ugly bastards.

The bus will pick you up at 9am, don't be late................. :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

Country Boy's Prayer:

Now I lay her down 2 eat, I pray her muff don't smell like feet
and if it smells too bad to lick, I hope she's good at suckin dick!

[crazyhorse]

Husband and wife arrive in Heaven

Wife: Here we are together again

Husband: Fuck that shit!!! the deal was till death do us part Bitch. I'm Single LOL :yes:

[MIXONE]

I gave my wife an orgasm last night,
Fucking ungrateful bitch spat it out!

[crazyhorse]

After a few years of marriage, sex is down to a couple of times a month!

But truth be told, if she didn't sleep with her mouth open, I wouldn't be getting any!!

[crazyhorse]

Wife sent me shopping to day. Told me to buy her something for mothers day that made her look sexy...... I came back with 2 litres of Jim Beam adn a box of Tui

[Spicer]

Handy tip if campin,if a lady in next tent sez shes so hot.she will be sleepin with her flaps open,it isnt an invitation 4 sex. I appear in court next monday.

[Spicer]

Started a new job in a music shop 2day.A maori came in and asked "do u have anything by The Doors" I said "yes an alarm and 2 security guards so fuck off!:

[Skinon]

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the road, and a dead *insert racial connotation* on the road?

There's skidmarks infront of the dog.

[crazyhorse]

I was out drinking in town the other night. I took a bus home.......................so what?

Well, it was the first time I have ever driven a bus!

[Spicer]

Be careful
..Driving conditions are awful 2day ive
just come off the road and hit a Maori!
It took me 10mins, 2fields & a golf course, but i got the fucker!


The 10th annual blow job contest is tomorrow.
We ask that you stay home, so a girl can win this time.
Thanks champ.

Hey sorry if my phone keeps txting u...Dam idiots on
road can't drive.
My phone is voice activated and everytime i yell
"fuckin retard" it dials ure number.

Old man asks 4 quarter a tab of viagra.'That wont
give u an erection"chemist says.I dont want an erection, i just want
2 stick out enuf so i dont piss on my sac.


Just got a maori tattoo on my arm-now my arm wont fuckin work!!!

[<G>]

New Company Word of the day:


FOCUS


When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS


F#*K Off Cause U're Stupid!

[Spicer]

What are the 2 most inportant holes in a woman's body?
No not them u dirty bastard-
Her nostrilis...They allow her to breathe while she is sucking your cock.


Saw an ad in the paper for: 'bored housewife 32,lookin for some action'.
I sent her my ironing.That'll keep the bitch busy...

I got a new stick deodorant 2day.The instructions said; Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk,but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.


A sexy woman in a bar walks up 2 the bartender & puts her fingers in his mouth.
After he licks & Sucks her fingers she says 2 him "Tell ure manager there's no tiolet paper"


Did u know the prices of texts are changing depending on how good looking u are?
mine's now free,Don't bother texting back it'll cost u a fucking fortune.


Why do they put a cock on top of a weather vein?
Because if they puy a cunt up there the wind would blow right throught it.

A man comes home with a bunch of flowers and hands them to his wife,she sez:
"I supose you want me to open my legs for those"? He sez "Why haven't you a vase big enough"?

[nothingflash]

How can you tell if you've been rooting your missus a bit too much?

Put your thumb up her ass and your middle finger in her puss. if you can click your fingers you should ease up a bit.

[crazyhorse]

Whats big, long and hard when erect and makes a woman moan like fuck?

An ironing board! :woohoo:

[crazyhorse]

Plane is losing height, pilot said "throw out passengers alphabetically: africans, blacks and coons"

Little black boy said "thats us dad"

Dad says "No son. Today we is niggers" :lol: :woohoo:

[one fast tl1ooo]

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!

[crazyhorse]

A womans dead body was discovered this morning with semen in her eyes. The police say she probably saw her killer coming

[one fast tl1ooo]

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

[one fast tl1ooo]

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 21 year old girlfriend.

[one fast tl1ooo]

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

[crazyhorse]

What has a fat chick and a moped have in commmon?

They are both fun to ride until your mates see you :rofl:

[Spicer]

Women should be like golf caddies...Either holding your balls or getting your fucking tee ready!

Farmer buys a milking machine & trys it on his penis & has a great orgasm but cant remove it he reads the manul & faints it says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES.

Youre riding a horse full speed,a giraffe is beside u,& ure being chased by a lion-wot do u do?.....Get ure stoned arse off the
merry-go-round.

My wife sez i should sell 2nd car & walk 2 work 2 save money so i sez she should let me fuck her up the arse & cum on her face that way we could get rid of the nanny.

Just biught the wife a solar powered vibrator,seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fucking fortune on batteries.

Wots the differecence between an alcoholic & a pisshead??? Us pissheads dont have 2 go 2 all those fuckin meetings !!!

Why did sleeping beauty stop having sleep-overs with the 7 dwarfs? Because she would go 2 bed feeling happy & wake up fucking grumpy!

Since the missus went senile all she does is stare throught the window...Maybe one day,if its really fucking wet & cold,i'll let her in.

[<G>]

A man asked an American Indian what his wife's name was.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

[crazyhorse]

Klu Klux klan bloke has just had his rottweiler upgraded and chipped.

It is now up to 10 nigger bytes per second

[one fast tl1ooo]

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night. ungrateful bitch spat it out.......:shit:

[crazyhorse]

Woman answers phone and pervert on the other end says: have u got a big fat sweaty hairy cunt?

Woman says: yeah, hes on the fuckin sofa, do you want him?

[MSTRS]

Maori TV has commissioned a remake of Silence of the Lambs
They're calling it Shut Up Ewes

[one fast tl1ooo]

"doctor, I cant stop wanking over 20 yr old black girls.. " try one of these " say doc... what are they.. he asks??? doc says "" nigger teen patches...

[peasea]

I have just been sacked from my new job in the Wines and Spirits section at Woolworths.
A Muslim man came in and asked if I could recommend a good port.
I said Try Kuwait - now fuck off !

[crazyhorse]

Recent studies have shown constantly sucking dick takes away the ability to speak.

Now I understand why you text and never call :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

[eelracing]

For all those confused females out there;it is simple! Men have two emotions....Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection...make him a fucken sandwich.

[one fast tl1ooo]

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

[<G>]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A hillbilly kid told me his brother got kicked out of school for rooting the teacher.

Sad part is, he was home schooled :lol:

[slofox]

A hillbilly kid told me his brother got kicked out of school for rooting the teacher.

Sad part is, he was home schooled :lol:

"You must ner ner ner..."

That's gross, y'know that? Gross!

[crazyhorse]

I was horrified to learn that donkeys are hung like niggers. What sick fuck would hang a donkey from a tree

[one fast tl1ooo]

How many abos, niggers, muslims, gooks, jews or faggots do you c in the cartoon the jetsons?? none. don't the future look fuckin great...

[Spicer]

Women should be like golf caddies...Either holding your balls or getting your fucking tee ready!

Farmer buys a milking machine & trys it on his penis & has a great orgasm but cant remove it he reads the manual & faints it says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES.

Youre riding a horse full speed,a giraffe is beside u,& ure being chased by a lion-wot do u do?.....Get ure stoned arse off the
merry-go-round.

My wife sez i should sell 2nd car & walk 2 work 2 save money so i sez she should let me fuck her up the arse & cum on her face that way we could get rid of the nanny.

Just boughtt the wife a solar powered vibrator,seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fucking fortune on batteries.

Wots the differecence between an alcoholic & a pisshead??? Us pissheads dont have 2 go 2 all those fuckin meetings !!!

Why did sleeping beauty stop having sleep-overs with the 7 dwarfs? Because she would go 2 bed feeling happy & wake up fucking grumpy!

Since the missus went senile all she does is stare throught the window...Maybe one day,if its really fucking wet & cold,i'll let her

[<G>]

Wife asks Husband

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


Hospital Visiting Hours are 10am to 4pm

[crazyhorse]

I was going through a couple of magazines the other day at the local marae. I was really enjoying myself ...... until the rifle jammed.

[crazyhorse]

What do men with premature ejaculation and weed killer have in common?

30 seconds, spray and walk away!

[crazyhorse]

Fathers day is for thanking your dad for nailiing your mum

Mothers day is for thanking your mum for not swallowing you :rofl:

[Jackal]

Gave the girlfriend an orgasim last night. The ungrateful cow just spat it straight out!!!!

[Smokin]

A mum is cleanin her sons bedroom & finds a load of bondage gear & fetish mags! She asks her husband "Wot do i do?". He says.. "Wot ever u do.... Don't f**kin spank him!"

[crazyhorse]

A priest books into a hotel and says to reception "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

She replies "no, its just regular porn you sick bastard!"

[MSTRS]

The Irish Exorcism: Call the Devil to get the priest out of your son.

[crazyhorse]

3 tampons are walking down the road, Carefree, Libra and Fleur.

Which one will say hello to you?

None, they're all stuck up cunts!

[Spicer]

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of

Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.

However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.

They are making a new drug called "Tiagra".

"It's good for 18 holes".

[crazyhorse]

What does a roasting dish and a womans pussy have in common.... No matter how much meat you put in, there's always enough room for the gravy.....

[one fast tl1ooo]

In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men like them so much 6% liked the feelin 12% liked the xcitement and 82% just liked the fuckin silence..

[Stirts]

If you hit a baby in the face with a bottle of 'Johnson's No More Tears', would it create a bit of irony?

[crazyhorse]

My wife says i don't use enough lubricant before we have sex. Exactly how many beers am I supposed to drink before I fuck her....?

[one fast tl1ooo]

A priest books into a hotel and says to recption i hope the porn channel is disabled. she replies no its just reguler porn you sick bastard..

[peasea]

Can't wait for the Rugby World Cup to be televised. Imagine if Nigeria play Germany; the top l/h of the screen will read NIG-GER.

[peasea]

I got a new girlfriend, she's a real butter face.

Everythings great but her face.

[crazyhorse]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane

[one fast tl1ooo]

I hate it when my finger accidently pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe. other than that, i'm really enjoying my new job at the old folks home

[Stirts]

What did the Proctologist say to the nurse?
Damn some arsehole's got my pen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's cock and notices there's a Nicotine patch on it.

He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your cock."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Nude woman stands infront of mirror & says 2 her hubby
"I look fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
Hubby says ur eyesights fuckin spot on!

[crazyhorse]

More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra, than alzheimers research!

By 2040, the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

Two men talking, one says why have your wife and your daughter got the same name??? So i dont shout out the wrong name during sex...

[crazyhorse]

I was in bed with a new girlfriend last night and she said I had the biggest cock she had ever laid her hands on!

I said "you're pulling my leg"

[Ryder]

Wife say to hubby "why do you keep changing channels"? Hubby says "there's porn on one channel and golf on the other". Wife says "watch the porn, you know how to play golf".

[Ryder]

Husband says "I fancy kinky sex tonight, can I cum in your ear?". Wife says "No, I might go deaf!". Husband says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20 years and your still talking!"

[Stirts]

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: “You’re what?!?”

[one fast tl1ooo]

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

[one fast tl1ooo]

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

[crazyhorse]

Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says its got epilepsy.

The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"

Paddy replies "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!" :rofl:

[slofox]

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

"You must spread the...nernerner...."

:rofl:...

[crazyhorse]

Why don't blind men skydive? Cos it scares the hell out of the dog

[eelracing]

A girl askes her doctor "How many calories are in cum?"

Doc replies "Honey,if you swallow,nobody cares if your fat."

[Ryder]

Man says to his wife : Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife : Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise.

Why did the blonde sneak past the pharmacy? ................. She did not want to wake the sleeping tablets!

Do you think I can live for another fourty years? ... Do you drink? ... No! ... Do you smoke? ... No! ... Do you visit the whores? ... No! ....... Why do you want to live another fourty years?

Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

Yo grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.

Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator



Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.



Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's



Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"


Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.


Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs



Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.



Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...


Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.


Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.


You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.


Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.


I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.


Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...



Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.



Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.


Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE

[crazyhorse]

Three witches are in the showe naked. A ghost appears and flashes his penis and says "hocus pocus"

They reply: "fuck hocus..... just pocus!" :rofl:

[one fast tl1ooo]

Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

[one fast tl1ooo]

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women

[peasea]

There is no such thing as rape!

All a woman has to do is beat off her attacker.

[one fast tl1ooo]

What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks

[Love my Bonnie]

Why do women close their eyes when having sex?

We cant stand to see a man happy

[one fast tl1ooo]

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.

[peasea]

South Auckland police are looking for a Maori basher. I rang them but apparently its not a job opportunity.