Bad sexist jokes

[Mort]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t*ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[deanohit]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t*ts in there.
Love it! :laugh:

[Bikernereid]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Piss funny:lol:

[DingoZ]

oooo you goin straight to hell for those ones......:)


:rofl:

Why were women born with small feet...

Too get closer to the stove of course....


:oi-grr:......Oh crap, on the subject of hell, see you there...:)

[MSTRS]

Why do women get married in white? Cos that's the colour of all kitchen appliances

[jonbuoy]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year".

[nodrog]

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?

a fridge doesnt fart when you take your meat out.

[Stirts]

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts
and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

[BIHB@0610]

Top Ten things NOT to say in Victoria's Secrets:
- The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
- No Thanks. Just sniffing.
- I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
- Mom will love this.
- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?
- No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
- Will you model this for me???
- Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
- 45 bucks?? You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!!
- Does this come in children's sizes?

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns
Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

[BIHB@0610]

Men Are Like...
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

[Bikernereid]

Bloody awesome!! But doesn't sound like many of the men I have dated most of them wouldn't know their suspension from thier elbow.


Top Ten things NOT to say in Victoria's Secrets:
- The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
- No Thanks. Just sniffing.
- I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
- Mom will love this.
- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?
- No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
- Will you model this for me???
- Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
- 45 bucks?? You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!!
- Does this come in children's sizes?

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns
Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

[MSTRS]

Men Are Like...
...

Can't be having those sort of sexist remarks....
Why do women have periods....Cos they deserve them.
;)

[BIHB@0610]

Can't be having those sort of sexist remarks....
Why do women have periods....Cos they deserve them.
;)

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them! :bleh::bleh::bleh:

[nodrog]

why do women wear makeup and pefume?

because they are ugly and smell.

[faredce]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year".



hahaha my god that is hilerous
well done sir

[sugilite]

What is the difference between a woman with pmt and a rabid rottweiler?









Lipstick

[Mikkel]

How do you define a kiwi gentleman?
A man who leaves the shower to take a piss in the sink!

Why do some blondes have bruises around their navels?
There are blonde men as well.

What's the difference between your motorbike and a blonde?
You don't lend your motorbike to your mates.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"




I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them! :bleh::bleh::bleh:

Either someone ought to say "congratulations!" or "have another pie dear!" ;)

[Mikkel]

Just fell over this one:

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

[BIHB@0610]

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them! :bleh::bleh::bleh:

Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks :Playnice:

[Mikkel]

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them.




Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks :Playnice:

HTFU girl - you better get used to those low stabs... Part of the charm here on KB ;)

Remembering Monty Python it's actually rather funny.

Couple of good things to bear in mind:

Red rep means you got in their head.
When people start attacking information on your profile page it's a good indication that the good arguments are running low.

[DingoZ]

Difference between a woman and a washing machine.

Washine machine doesn't follow you around for three days after you dump your load in it.....







I am so going to hell......:cool:

[BIHB@0610]

Mishap of Words
These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye... The bartender asks the first guy. "What happened to you?"

The first guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words with my wife.. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY big breasted and I accidentally said `Two pickets to titsburg please!' and I MEANT to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh!' and she hit me.."

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. "And you?"

The second guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words also.. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say 'Please pass the margarine' but instead, I accidentally said `You stupid bitch, you ruined my life'..."

[BIHB@0610]

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[MSTRS]

Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks :Playnice:

I was. Did you miss the big shiteating grin behind those words?:bleh:

[BIHB@0610]

Hehe ... thanks, I appreciate it now! Just nice to know who's taking the piss. Take all you like from now on (there's not much else left to take!) :moon:

Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas period!

:lol::buggerd:

[Swampdonkey]

Why did the man cross the road?


...he heard the chicken was a slut

[Mikkel]

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.


Can't remember if this one was already posted here - but it made me laugh:

I married Mrs. Right.
Didn't know her first name was Always...

[ynot slow]

Oldy but goody.

A yank,an aussie and rangi were at the kingsgate in rotovegas having breakfast after they were all married the day before and starting the honeymoon.
The yank says to his wife"pass the honey honey",the aussie not to be outdone says"pass the sugar sugar",rangi never to be outdone says"pass the tea bag".

[Livvy]

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them! :bleh::bleh::bleh:

+1

Thank god for depo provera! :love:


Just fell over this one:

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

It's the penis. Sorry. That'll always be the reason. :bleh:



I am so going to hell......:cool:

At least Mikkel will be there to keep you company. :laugh:


Oldy but goody.

A yank,an aussie and rangi were at the kingsgate in rotovegas having breakfast after they were all married the day before and starting the honeymoon.
The yank says to his wife"pass the honey honey",the aussie not to be outdone says"pass the sugar sugar",rangi never to be outdone says"pass the tea bag".

Ohhh that's a good one.

Just another of the "men are like"s -

Men are like public toilets;
The best ones are taken and the rest are all either handicapped or full of shit.

[BIHB@0610]

Why do men want to marry virgins?
>> They can't stand criticism ....


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
>> They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How does a man keep his youth?
>> By giving her money, furs and diamonds.


Rules for Men...

1 The Female always makes The Rules.
2 The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3 No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4 If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5 The Female is never wrong.
6 If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7 If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8 The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9 The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10 The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11 The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12 The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13 The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14 The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15 Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16 At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17 If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Oh dammit, sorry, this is a joke thread - that one is for real .......:devil2: