Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

[Bren]

Found these innocently while surfing the net....hope it aint a repost....and my favorite isd "Jerkin The Gherkin"


You know them, you love them...but you don't know ALL of them. Here are some great ways of talking about masturbation without actually saying masturbation. Some are funny. Some are strange. But hey, aside from performing the act itself, reading this list is about the most entertaining thing you'll do today.

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one's right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love's labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

[Bren]

Pt 2..............


Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan's olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha's tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife's best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

[Bren]

Pt 3....................


Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin' n' Milkin'

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

[flyingcrocodile46]

I was spending the day in the house on my own and had already 'knocked a
few out' including a couple of 'arm breakers' when I decided there was
more to life than 'burping the worm' all the time. My 'blue veined
hooligan' had been getting a bit sore lately as a result, and it was
therefore time for my 'womb broom' to experience a bit of action to give
'kojak's money box' a chance to 'shoot some filthy yoghurt' into some
woman's 'furry letter box'. 'Feeding the pigeons'is OK but not to the
extent I had been doing it.
Later that evening I prepared myself for a night on the town with the
boys. There's no better preparation then having 'baked one' (held a shit
back) for hours and then feeling the ecstasy of 'releasing the chocolate
hostage'. It's funny, as soon as the 'pace car' (leading shit) is away the
rest comes roaring out of the pits behind it.

Anyway I get to the nightclub. There are a few 'swamp donkeys' and 'salad
dodgers' hanging around including a few others that looked like they have
been 'ram raiding on scooters'. Then I caught the eye of this 'aeroplane
blond' (one who has dyed her hair but probably still has a black box). She
was tall and slim with 'massive jugs' and 'nipples the size of a fighter
pilots thumbs'. She walked towards me and my mind started to work
overtime. It looked like I would be 'feeding the horses' not the pigeons
tonight if I played my cards right. I had been a 'harbour master' (one
who's been with a few tugboats) in my time but this one was an exception.
We got talking and it didn't take long for the subject of sex to come up
- she was definitely a 'hose monster' I thought to myself.

We talked all night in the club and ended up back at mine where thetopic
of sex continued. By this point my 'spunk trumpet' was like a'horse's
handbrake'. I could tell she was also getting aroused with all this dirty
chat so I ripped off her blouse and sunk my mouth into her bazookas
chewing on her nipples which were now 'the size of JCB starter buttons'.
My hands started to wander down stairs in search of her 'womb
ferret'.When I found it, it was 'wetter than a otters pocket', and so I
began to rub it frantically. At the same time she put her hand in my
pants and started to 'choke the chicken' and then got on to 'smoking the
Whitehouse cigar', taking it deep into her throat until my cock was like a
'diamond cutter'. With my hair trigger I didn't want to be labelled 'a
dress messer' so I pulled out before it was too late.

After a short break I had her knickers off but to my horror there was a
'cotton pony' hanging out of her 'bacon rashers' - I soon got rid of that.
I was then faced with a decision, should I go for the 'easy pink or the
tight brown'? - I decided to play safe on this occasion. 'Like a rat up a
drainpipe' I proceeded to 'bend one up' and in no time I was 'porking
her' with my 'conkers deep' inside her 'double doors'. Missionary first
then onto 'playing the double bass' (doggy style with left hand on left
tit and right hand on muff).I can't play the double bass so I just
started to bang away as hard as I could until she was 'shaking like a
shitting dog' and my 'guy rope'(the skin connecting the fly sheet to the
tent pole) was almost splitting.

The time had come to 'empty my concrete'. She had already told me she was
on the pill (not that it mattered) but I decided to play safe again and
'shot my sperm blunderbuss' across her bows. Instead of firing my 'baby
gravy' over her belly and tits due to my excitement I ended up giving
her a 'pearl necklace' and other 'jelly jewellery' to match. To show her
my appreciation I decided to go down on her and finish off the job.
Because she was 'up on blocks' (a leak from under the bonnet) and my
cock already looked like a 'barbers pole', I realised it was going to get
messy. F@ck it I thought and proceeded to take my first 'sip from the
hairy teacup'. It stunk like an'anchovies fanny' and I could feel the
'mexican lipstick' all over my chops but I didn't give a shit as a hadn't
been 'muff diving' for ages. She started to 'cum for England' and was 'all
over me like a cheap suit'. I must have 'given her a right good shafting'
as well because when she got up to visit the loo she was 'walking like
John Wayne'.

This was two weeks ago now and I haven't had a sniff since so I'm back to
'spanking the monkey' again. Anyway I'm off to 'drop the kids of at the
pool' for the last time today.