Christmas joke thread

[curious george]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of his sacks split, and
the toys fell to the ground in the snow.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had finished off the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door which he opened to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!!


Couldn't post this in the off topic section. Can somebody please move it?

[Coyote]

:killingme

[Hitcher]

Is there a Santa Claus?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly

But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world

But since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces to the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million, according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with

This is due to different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits each second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 0.001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops is evenly distributed around the world (which isn’t true, but for argument’s sake we will accept), we are talking about 0.78 miles per household, a trip of 75.5 million miles – not counting stops to do what must of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

So Santa’s sleigh must be moving at 650 miles a second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles a second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The sleigh’s payload is an interesting element

Assuming that each child gets nothing heavier than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point 1 above) could pull 10 times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200. This increases the payload (not counting the weight of the sleigh) to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner “Queen Elizabeth II”.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles a second creates enormous air resistance

This will heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 0.00426 of a second. Meanwhile Santa will be subject to forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of force.

If Santa DID ever deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

[Kwaka-Kid]

Due to a bad injury sustained recently Santa Claus will now be available to do Christmas this year...



But dont worry, Michael Jackson has volunteered to creep into the childrens rooms at night and empty his sack.

:kick::2guns:

[Coyote]

Santa has to lose weight for he is setting a bad example to kids says Australian Dieticians

BTW, this isn't bullshit

[Skunk]

Michael Jackson has volunteered to creep into the childrens rooms at night and empty his sack. :laugh: :whistle: :spudbooge

[NordieBoy]

http://fran.orcon.net.nz/santer.gif

[sels1]

20 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1 I prefer breasts to legs.
2 Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3 Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4 If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5 I've never seen a better spread!
6 I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7 Are you ready for seconds yet?
8 It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9 Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10 Don't play with your meat!
11 Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12 Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13 I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14 You still have a little bit on your chin.
15 How long will it take after you put it in?
16 You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17 Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18 That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19 I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20 Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

[Ms Piggy]

Based upon the business pressures we are now experiencing the following
concepts will be activated immediately.

The Partridge in the Pear Tree will be replaced with a much cheaper
Canary in a plastic tree. The Pear tree has never been as fruitful as
was anticipated.

The Two Turtle Doves will be split up and moved to different departments
after the now well publicised sexual harassment claims have been
settled.

The Three French Hens program will be scrapped. Egg production for the
French market was always well outside of our core business. No more
products aimed at the Easter market will be handled as research shows
that Easter shrinks our market share.

The Four Calling Birds will be replaced with a predictive dialler.
Although there is an emotional attachment to the Birds, they have proven
to not be nearly as effective as the new dialler. If the dialler does
not yield the desired results the telemarketing group may be outsourced
offshore.

As to the Five Gold Rings, it has been a well documented and strongly
supported directive that all phones must be answered within THREE rings
* no more. The five ring policy is far outdated and must cease
immediately.

The Six Geese are Laying program will be kept in operation although the
geese will be moved to the call centre as supervisors. This decision was
made after several agents were overheard talking about how much of a
goose their existing Team Leader is.

The Seven Swans are Swimming will all be offered redundancy. The swans
were brought on as a part of the 'Office Beautification' effort in the
boom time of the late 90s. They are an obvious luxury overhead that will
be replaced with a handful of goldfish (please do not feed the goldfish,
they are fake).

The Eight Maids Are Milking will move into a job sharing arrangement
with the reindeer groomers. Centralising all animal care into one group
should allow us to cut staff numbers by at least 6. New technology will
help this group deliver the daily elf milk ration direct to each
workstation.

In line with the recently released Occupational Health and Safety rules,
the Nine Ladies Dancing will have to be redeployed into the call centre
as their dancing could cause a nasty tripping accident. This directive
will not apply to Santa's private dancer Trixie, she will continue her
normal duties.

The Ten Lords a Leaping will be replaced by an email system. Santa has
relented and admitted that ten men dressed in silly clothes jumping from
desk to desk with messages may not have been the best use of company
resources. It should be noted that email is not to be used for
broadcasts to the entire North Pole unless pre-approved by Mary
Chrissymas.

[curious george]

Not Christmas, but a good one.... sorry


A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Colapop]

Sardines are fish...

[Coyote]

Sardines are fish...
Ever thought about joining the 'lotpihgad' clan?

[Colapop]

I resemble that statement

[<G>]

Merry Christmas :-)

[Dilligaf]

*1.Schizophrenia--- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2.Multiple Personality Disorder--- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3.Dementia---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4.Narcissistic---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5.Manic---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6.Paranoid--- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7.Borderline Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8.Personality Disorder---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9.Attention Deficit Disorder--- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,