Hitler.

[Swoop]

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up in Heaven, stood outside the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries "what the fuck are you doing here?!"

Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?"

"Get stuffed!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!"

Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"

Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.

On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!"

Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."

Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here."

Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."

Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I cant do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"

Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"

Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad."
So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.
God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!"

"Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"

On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off.
Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

[Swoop]

Hitler ordered his men to take a thousand Jews to a cliff on the German coast. When they arrived he made the Jews stand in a long line.

He approached the first Jew and explained to him, "I want you to jump off this cliff, but you must fall in a certain way. Here's how I want you to fall.."

Hitler then made the shape of a large 'T' by stretching his arms out horizontally. The jew, having a gun to his head, had no choice but to oblige and proceeded to fall off the cliff in the way Hitler demonstrated.

Hitler then approached the next Jew and told him to fall in the shape of an 'L' by bending his body at the waist.

The third Jew was told to fall perfectly straight with his arms by his sides.

Just then, a messenger came running up to Hitler. "Führer! Führer! I have some urgent news!"

Hitler turned around, fuming with rage, and replied "You stupid fool, never interrupt me in a game of tetris!"

[Mikkel]

Hitler was inspecting a KZ camp when he met a young jewish girl.

He asked her: "How old are you dear?"

To which she replied: "I turn 5 next week."

Hitler smiled and said: "No."