Swoop
1st July 2008, 12:38
I was watching the final last night with a bunch of Italians-at first they were all supporting Germany, but they all changed sides half way through when Germany started losing.
Who says history doesn't repeat itself?
ZIMBABWE -
Zero
Intelligence
Mainly
Because
All
Bloody
Whites
Emigrated.
My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my dad.
A truck has just overturned on the M6 filled with vicks vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for 9 hours.
"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat chicks."
I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Why is the bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball!
"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; let’s go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"
A little boy came home from school and said, "Dad, is God a man or a woman?"
"He is both son.....male and female," he replied.
"Is he black or white?" he asked.
"Again, he is both black and white," the father replied.
"Well, is he gay or straight then?" asked the kid.
"Again, God is both gay and straight," he said.
"Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?"
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
A young kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The kiwi said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The kiwi replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing!""
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again This time he whispers in her ear: 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the Lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you Feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?'
What's the best thing about schizophrenia?
It turns a wank into an orgy!
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, "What Lobsters?"
Who says history doesn't repeat itself?
ZIMBABWE -
Zero
Intelligence
Mainly
Because
All
Bloody
Whites
Emigrated.
My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my dad.
A truck has just overturned on the M6 filled with vicks vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for 9 hours.
"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat chicks."
I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Why is the bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball!
"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; let’s go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"
A little boy came home from school and said, "Dad, is God a man or a woman?"
"He is both son.....male and female," he replied.
"Is he black or white?" he asked.
"Again, he is both black and white," the father replied.
"Well, is he gay or straight then?" asked the kid.
"Again, God is both gay and straight," he said.
"Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?"
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
A young kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The kiwi said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The kiwi replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing!""
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again This time he whispers in her ear: 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the Lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you Feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?'
What's the best thing about schizophrenia?
It turns a wank into an orgy!
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, "What Lobsters?"