Swoop
15th July 2008, 09:13
Four kings that have given more pleasure to mankind than anything else in history:
fucking,
sucking,
wanking,
drinking.
When shops have a sign on the door 'Guide dogs only', who is supposed to read it? The dog?
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says, "when did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man replies, "since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
Ever seen that show "Everybody hates Chris?"
Do you think it's just because he's black?
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actress...
...So I've asked her to do porno and give me the money back.
I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after me.
A man is lying in bed with his wife when she rolls over and says, "Say something dirty to me."
He replies, "The Dishes."
A man goes up to his bosses’ office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"
A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I'm a reporter for the BBC and we know you're quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"
The man replies, "I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world."
The news reporter says, "Wow that's truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?"
The man replies, "I feel like I've been talking to a fucking brick wall."
A Jewish man was walking around Jerusalem when a bill board caught his eye. It read, "We would rather do business with 1000 Arabs than one single Jew!" The Jewish man then stopped and asked himself what place would advertise such a racist proclamation, then he got it.......The Funeral Directors!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the doctor!"
An Arab was walking his goat in the desert alone, when he had the urge to have sex. As there was no one around, he tried to have sex with his goat, but the goat ran from him as soon as he could do anything. He soon caught up to it and tried another several times but the goat kept on running away so he soon gave up.
About 20 minutes later the man came across three beautiful women standing next to a broken down car. One of the woman said to him, "can you please help fix our car; we will do anything to repay you."
Seeing that he knew quite a bit about cars, he agreed to do it. When he finished the woman asked, "What can we do for you?"
The Arab said, "well, I'm feeling very horny so you couldn't by any chance..... help me hold down that goat?"
The Zimbabwean election really has become a general election.........as it's the generals who decide who gets elected.
The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.
I see it has become a law that to come into this country as a immigrant you have to be educated in English to NCEA standard. This is ridiculous; when I hire a prostitute do you really think I care if she's read Shakespeare?
My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks.
It didn't save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation!
fucking,
sucking,
wanking,
drinking.
When shops have a sign on the door 'Guide dogs only', who is supposed to read it? The dog?
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says, "when did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man replies, "since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
Ever seen that show "Everybody hates Chris?"
Do you think it's just because he's black?
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actress...
...So I've asked her to do porno and give me the money back.
I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after me.
A man is lying in bed with his wife when she rolls over and says, "Say something dirty to me."
He replies, "The Dishes."
A man goes up to his bosses’ office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"
A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I'm a reporter for the BBC and we know you're quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"
The man replies, "I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world."
The news reporter says, "Wow that's truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?"
The man replies, "I feel like I've been talking to a fucking brick wall."
A Jewish man was walking around Jerusalem when a bill board caught his eye. It read, "We would rather do business with 1000 Arabs than one single Jew!" The Jewish man then stopped and asked himself what place would advertise such a racist proclamation, then he got it.......The Funeral Directors!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the doctor!"
An Arab was walking his goat in the desert alone, when he had the urge to have sex. As there was no one around, he tried to have sex with his goat, but the goat ran from him as soon as he could do anything. He soon caught up to it and tried another several times but the goat kept on running away so he soon gave up.
About 20 minutes later the man came across three beautiful women standing next to a broken down car. One of the woman said to him, "can you please help fix our car; we will do anything to repay you."
Seeing that he knew quite a bit about cars, he agreed to do it. When he finished the woman asked, "What can we do for you?"
The Arab said, "well, I'm feeling very horny so you couldn't by any chance..... help me hold down that goat?"
The Zimbabwean election really has become a general election.........as it's the generals who decide who gets elected.
The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.
I see it has become a law that to come into this country as a immigrant you have to be educated in English to NCEA standard. This is ridiculous; when I hire a prostitute do you really think I care if she's read Shakespeare?
My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks.
It didn't save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation!