Never trust a lawyer

[Hitcher]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Hemex]

A lawyer passing by a suburb in his swanky Limo notices a man and his kid eating grass...
Intrigued.. he stops and asks them why and what they're doing so the man replies that they have no food and have to eat grass to live...

The lawyer pats him on his back and tells him to come with him to his big mansion and he can eat well over there...

The man replies that hes got his son with him and his wife at home..

Lawyer tells him to bring them too...

Then the man says he's got his mother, 2 sisters and a brother too...

The lawyer says that his car is big enough to take them all...

They all enter the car and on the way the man tells the Lawyer ..
"Sir, you are too kind to accomodate all of us in your car and take us to your mansion to give us food"

The lawyer replies " Oh dont mention it ... you'll love my mansion... The grass is over a foot tall!"

[Hemex]

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

[slofox]

Thought I already posted this one but it seems to have evaporated......

Truckie hated lawyers - if he ever saw one on the side of the road he ran him/her over.
One day he is driving out in the country and he says a priest hitch-hiking. Stops and picks the priest up. Says "Why you hitch-hiking father?" Priest replies "Oh well I have to visit a remote parish and I don't have transport..." Truckie promises to take him all the way.
Drives on a bit and lo and behold, a lawyer is standing beside the road. Truckie aims the truck at him and accelerates......then he thinks "Shit! I can't run this guy over with a priest in the truck" so he swerves away at the last moment. Funnily enough he hears a thump but takes no notice....says to the priest..."Sorry father, I only just missed that lawyer..." Priest replies "It's OK - I got him with the door...."

[Hemex]

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."