Calories burned during sex

[Nasty]

Calories burned during sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary.......................................1 2 Calories
69 lying down....................................78 Calories
69 standing up..................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.....................................21 6 Calories
Doggy Style.....................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier............................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real............................................11 2 Calories
Fake..........................................1,31 5 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately...........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly...........................................3 2 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door.........8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

[oldrider]

Great post......explains why I am so skinny! :doh: John.

[AllanB]

Its good to take a side plate of french fries or similar to the bedroom during 'relations' just in case you get peckish during the act. Don't take Hotdogs - you may end up feeling inferior......

If you are having 'relations' somewhere other than home you can then refer to the act as 'eating out'.

If the plate is on the floor during 'the act' and you desire a nibble just let your partner know you are 'going down'.

I'd also advise you not to take a dish to the bedroom that has mayonnaise in it as it may get confusing if you drip a lump onto your partner.

[hayd3n]

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex.

Removing her clothes
With consent 12 Calories
Without consent 187 Calories
Opening her bra
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 85 Calories
Putting on a condom
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 315 Calories
Preliminaries
Trying to find the clitoris 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot 92 Calories
Positions
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian Chandelier 912 Calories
Orgasm
Real 112 Calories
False 315 Calories
Post Orgasm
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories
Getting a second erection
If you are: 20-29 years old 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 972 Calories
60-69 years 2916 Calories
70 and over Death
Dressing afterwards
Calmly 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 3521 Calories

[one fast tl1ooo]

Getting the best out of sex





It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:


With consent........................ 12 Calories
Without consent................. 187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:


With both hands.......................... 8 Calories
With one hand........................... 12 Calories
With your teeth.......................... 85 Calories


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:


With an erection............................. 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories


PRELIMINARIES:


Trying to find the clitoris................. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories


POSITIONS:


Missionary................................. 12 Calories
69 lying down............................. 78 Calories
69 standing up.......................... 112 Calories

(I can't imagine how they do this!)
Wheelbarrow............................. 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................... 326 Calories
Italian chandelier........................ 912 Calories

(anyone knows how to do this?)





ORGASM:


Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories


POST ORGASM:


Lying in bed hugging........................ 18 Calories

Getting up immediately.................... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got
out of bed immediately................. 816 Calories





GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:


If you are:
20-29 years old...................... 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years.......................... 124 Calories
50-59 years.......................... 972 Calories
60-69 years........................ 2916 Calories
70 and over..................................Death


DRESSING AFTERWARDS:


Calmly............................................ ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories