Number One
16th December 2008, 22:09
President Musharraf is sitting in his office contemplating the current crisis in Pakistan and drinking tea, when the phone rings......
"Tena koe, would that be President Musharraf?"
"Hello, yes, this is President Musharraf speaking, who is this and what do you want?"
"Well now Mushy, this is Tame Iti and I am ringing from the Tuhoe Embassy in Taneatua to tell you that we are officially declaring war on Pakistan!"
"I see," President Musharraf replied, "this is indeed important news. How big is your Army?"
"Well" says Tame, "There is myself, my cousin Rangi, a couple of nephews, my next door neighbour Wiremu, Keith Locke and a couple of greenies and half of the rugby team from Ruatoki. That makes 16 altogether. We have been doing some cool training in the Ngahere out the back of Ruatoki using Osama's handbook and we want to put it to use."
Musharraf replies: "I must tell you Tame that I have one million men in my Army just waiting to move on my command."
"AUE!!" says Tame, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Tame rings back: "Mushy, it's me again Bro, the war is still on. We have managed to get hold of some infantry equipment."
"And what equipment would that be?" President Musharraf asks.
"Well, we've got 2 tractors, 1 bulldozer and the loan of Wiremu's Honda 90."
President Musharraf sighs. "I must tell you Tame, that I have 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured carriers, some nuclear capability that George W doesn't know about and I have increased my mobilised troops to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Are you tricking me?" says Tame. "I'll have to get back to you on this one."
Sure enough Tame rings the next day.
"President Musharraf, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves a Naval Arm! We've modified cousin Rangi's outboard with a couple of 12 bore double-barrel shot guns in the front, and 4 Bro's from the Mongrel Mob have joined us too."
President Musharraf was silent for a moment, then he replies: "I must tell you Tame that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we last spoke I have called up some more reserves and increased my army to 2 million men."
"E hoa!" said Tame, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough the next day Tame rings "Morena, President Musharraf, I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that too" said Musharraf, "why the sudden change?"
"Well" said Tame, "we had a long korero over a few Waikatos and decided there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners!!"
"Tena koe, would that be President Musharraf?"
"Hello, yes, this is President Musharraf speaking, who is this and what do you want?"
"Well now Mushy, this is Tame Iti and I am ringing from the Tuhoe Embassy in Taneatua to tell you that we are officially declaring war on Pakistan!"
"I see," President Musharraf replied, "this is indeed important news. How big is your Army?"
"Well" says Tame, "There is myself, my cousin Rangi, a couple of nephews, my next door neighbour Wiremu, Keith Locke and a couple of greenies and half of the rugby team from Ruatoki. That makes 16 altogether. We have been doing some cool training in the Ngahere out the back of Ruatoki using Osama's handbook and we want to put it to use."
Musharraf replies: "I must tell you Tame that I have one million men in my Army just waiting to move on my command."
"AUE!!" says Tame, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Tame rings back: "Mushy, it's me again Bro, the war is still on. We have managed to get hold of some infantry equipment."
"And what equipment would that be?" President Musharraf asks.
"Well, we've got 2 tractors, 1 bulldozer and the loan of Wiremu's Honda 90."
President Musharraf sighs. "I must tell you Tame, that I have 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured carriers, some nuclear capability that George W doesn't know about and I have increased my mobilised troops to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Are you tricking me?" says Tame. "I'll have to get back to you on this one."
Sure enough Tame rings the next day.
"President Musharraf, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves a Naval Arm! We've modified cousin Rangi's outboard with a couple of 12 bore double-barrel shot guns in the front, and 4 Bro's from the Mongrel Mob have joined us too."
President Musharraf was silent for a moment, then he replies: "I must tell you Tame that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we last spoke I have called up some more reserves and increased my army to 2 million men."
"E hoa!" said Tame, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough the next day Tame rings "Morena, President Musharraf, I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that too" said Musharraf, "why the sudden change?"
"Well" said Tame, "we had a long korero over a few Waikatos and decided there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners!!"