Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)
26th December 2008, 00:50
There comes a time when modern technology and PC bullshit goes too far.
For those readers that are sensitive to humour around someone dying, please read no further, I do not wish to offend anyone.
My friend Ahu and I have a very close friendship and can laugh and joke about everything including him dying. We both call a spade a frontend loader.
As some know, Ahu had a massive heart attack and they worked on him for 25 mins - he survived all intact. He had stents put in - they blocked up so they re-did them. They too blocked up and he had another heart attack. The second one occurred as I was on my way to the Hawkes Bay - however I was assured he was fine and to continue with my trip. I stayed in Hawkes Bay for 2 days and a friend was going to fix my bike. I got a call from Ryan the nurse who had been looking after Ahu alot to say he had had another heart attack.
I am Ahu's next of kin and we had made his wishes very clear that he was not to be revived should the situation arise again. I reiterated this to Ryan and also to the Registrar who rang me and said Please come back to Wellington, he does not have long to live. Now I know I speak English, and can do so very precisely - too much so for some people at times. This was 4pm.
Anyway I rang Ahu's boss who is also a good friend to Ahu. He got me a flight leaving at 5.30pm. This was delayed half an hour. It was hot in the Hawkes Bay and I was wearing summer gear - got to Wellington, rain, cold and windy. I froze my arse off.
Got to hospital abourt 7.30pm - to be told they had revived Ahu. I just managed to be polite and said "Excuse me?" Oh well when he had his heart attack, and AFTER giving him 2 electric shocks they asked him if he wanted to be resuscitated - (like he's fkn compes mentis - in his right mind and thinking clearly yeah right) and his words were "do what ya have to". Like you don't have to be fkn einstein surely to realise the guy is not in a frame of mind to make that decision. Why didn't they just stick to the facts of his original wishes MADE when he was sane, logical, and with it.
What were his first words to me? Shirl why the fk am I still alive - why did they revive me - its against our wishes. I asked him if he remembered the Drs asking whether he wanted to be revived - he has no memory of it at all. He is furious.
So they put a tube down his gob and a heart pump machine on him and put him in a coma for the nite.
Today I was up there at 10.30am. Tube came out of his gob - he came too and he is not good. Physically stuffed, mentally - slow but picked up during the day a little. He keeps saying he wants to die- he is in too much pain, to weak, and he's exhausted. His vitals are not functioning well etc. He kept demanding they pull the plug - they won't.
The Registrar this morning - a very young female tried explaining in technical terms and in a bloody round about way what was wrong. I found this amusing really - cos I had spoken with the specialist prior to seeing Ahu and thought - stop beating around the bush lady. She was not comfortable being put on the spot by Ahu asking exactly what was wrong.
Anyway when she left I said to Ahu - now do you want that in English and do you want the honest truth Yes he said. "OK your heart pump is fkd - it is too damaged to be able to pump blood and oxygen around the heart - hence why you are hooked up to that contraption at the foot of your bed. Once they remove that machine - you will not die immediately - you may live - but its not going to get any better than you are feeling right now. Physically, you won't be able to do much etc,. mentally your brain is a little munted - your memory is pretty crappy. He was happy with my explanation - my biggest problem was having to say why they revived him.
Had they stuck to his original statement of not wanted to be revived, Ahu would never have known he was dying - now he knows he is dying and that has been something we have worked thru all day. Lots of tears but also lots of laughter.
However there is also a plus side. His sister came down tonite from Te Teko and the other one hopefully will arrive in the next day or so from Australia. He has time to say goodbye. He also has made it clear to whanau of his funeral wishes - I had already had a cousin say he would be taking his body back "home". A place Ahu does not consider home and hasn't been back to for 46 years. I politely reminded him that Ahu wasn't dead yet and anyway whanau had not contacted him at all even when several brothers and sisters and mother had died. Get the gist. However Ahu loves his sisters and it was very moving seeing him reunited with one tonite. We had a special karakia and you could see the peace in Ahu's eyes.
It was not easy to broach the subject of his funeral to him but as he had asked me to arrange everything I wanted to make sure I got it right. He was great about it. Then we joked - I told him I would dress him in pink pyjamas, with pink flowers around his head - he got upset and said he reckoned the morgue guys would steal his pyjamas. We have this "in joke" about him and pink. He does a great gay impersonation. I offered him a pink dress if he preferred, but my high heels would not fit him.
There has always been a special song "Don't forget to Remember Me" - he was supposed to sing and play the guitar at my funeral - tonite for a while there was just us - and he sang it very softly and beautifully - while I hummed the harmony - (I can't sing for shit - but in my own home we would sing together) I didn't think I could subject the other poor patients to my screeching. It was a very special moment - and his nurse just sat and stared - amazed.
Another one, which is embarrassing for me, is "You're My Angel". We have watched that DVD so many times and I finally have the CD so I can take it to him tomorrow.
Before I left the Dr spoke with us. He will respect Ahu's wishes tomorrow morning about pulling the plug. To date Ahu has a heart attack or his heart rhythm goes out of kilter every 4 days. I don't expect this time to be any different. I do not see any point in prolonging life, and nor does Ahu, when there is no quality of life and all he can do is lay there and breathe. He is utterly exhausted in every which way and sick of suffering. I hate seeing him like this and I want him to be free.
I am not sad at this time - that will come when he is gone. At present I treasure every moment I can have with him and to make his passing easier, more peaceful and loving. I gave him my word I will be there for him right to the end - he now trusts and believes that and it is a privilege and an honour for me to be given this opportunity. I am given the strength on a daily basis. My personal belief is no-one should die alone. I did this for a girlfriend 3 years ago - for some reason I understand the need for someone to be there when they die. Both Ahu and my girlfriend were/are extremely private people. At the moment the plan is to live very much in the moment and enjoy the time that we do have. He still has his wicked sense of humour and the fact that we can talk honestly and openly about him dying and make jokes about it makes it easier, sure we have our tearful moments but our main purpose is to achieve peace, laugh and say goodbye.
Thanks for listening to me - it is therapeutic for me to write this.
For those readers that are sensitive to humour around someone dying, please read no further, I do not wish to offend anyone.
My friend Ahu and I have a very close friendship and can laugh and joke about everything including him dying. We both call a spade a frontend loader.
As some know, Ahu had a massive heart attack and they worked on him for 25 mins - he survived all intact. He had stents put in - they blocked up so they re-did them. They too blocked up and he had another heart attack. The second one occurred as I was on my way to the Hawkes Bay - however I was assured he was fine and to continue with my trip. I stayed in Hawkes Bay for 2 days and a friend was going to fix my bike. I got a call from Ryan the nurse who had been looking after Ahu alot to say he had had another heart attack.
I am Ahu's next of kin and we had made his wishes very clear that he was not to be revived should the situation arise again. I reiterated this to Ryan and also to the Registrar who rang me and said Please come back to Wellington, he does not have long to live. Now I know I speak English, and can do so very precisely - too much so for some people at times. This was 4pm.
Anyway I rang Ahu's boss who is also a good friend to Ahu. He got me a flight leaving at 5.30pm. This was delayed half an hour. It was hot in the Hawkes Bay and I was wearing summer gear - got to Wellington, rain, cold and windy. I froze my arse off.
Got to hospital abourt 7.30pm - to be told they had revived Ahu. I just managed to be polite and said "Excuse me?" Oh well when he had his heart attack, and AFTER giving him 2 electric shocks they asked him if he wanted to be resuscitated - (like he's fkn compes mentis - in his right mind and thinking clearly yeah right) and his words were "do what ya have to". Like you don't have to be fkn einstein surely to realise the guy is not in a frame of mind to make that decision. Why didn't they just stick to the facts of his original wishes MADE when he was sane, logical, and with it.
What were his first words to me? Shirl why the fk am I still alive - why did they revive me - its against our wishes. I asked him if he remembered the Drs asking whether he wanted to be revived - he has no memory of it at all. He is furious.
So they put a tube down his gob and a heart pump machine on him and put him in a coma for the nite.
Today I was up there at 10.30am. Tube came out of his gob - he came too and he is not good. Physically stuffed, mentally - slow but picked up during the day a little. He keeps saying he wants to die- he is in too much pain, to weak, and he's exhausted. His vitals are not functioning well etc. He kept demanding they pull the plug - they won't.
The Registrar this morning - a very young female tried explaining in technical terms and in a bloody round about way what was wrong. I found this amusing really - cos I had spoken with the specialist prior to seeing Ahu and thought - stop beating around the bush lady. She was not comfortable being put on the spot by Ahu asking exactly what was wrong.
Anyway when she left I said to Ahu - now do you want that in English and do you want the honest truth Yes he said. "OK your heart pump is fkd - it is too damaged to be able to pump blood and oxygen around the heart - hence why you are hooked up to that contraption at the foot of your bed. Once they remove that machine - you will not die immediately - you may live - but its not going to get any better than you are feeling right now. Physically, you won't be able to do much etc,. mentally your brain is a little munted - your memory is pretty crappy. He was happy with my explanation - my biggest problem was having to say why they revived him.
Had they stuck to his original statement of not wanted to be revived, Ahu would never have known he was dying - now he knows he is dying and that has been something we have worked thru all day. Lots of tears but also lots of laughter.
However there is also a plus side. His sister came down tonite from Te Teko and the other one hopefully will arrive in the next day or so from Australia. He has time to say goodbye. He also has made it clear to whanau of his funeral wishes - I had already had a cousin say he would be taking his body back "home". A place Ahu does not consider home and hasn't been back to for 46 years. I politely reminded him that Ahu wasn't dead yet and anyway whanau had not contacted him at all even when several brothers and sisters and mother had died. Get the gist. However Ahu loves his sisters and it was very moving seeing him reunited with one tonite. We had a special karakia and you could see the peace in Ahu's eyes.
It was not easy to broach the subject of his funeral to him but as he had asked me to arrange everything I wanted to make sure I got it right. He was great about it. Then we joked - I told him I would dress him in pink pyjamas, with pink flowers around his head - he got upset and said he reckoned the morgue guys would steal his pyjamas. We have this "in joke" about him and pink. He does a great gay impersonation. I offered him a pink dress if he preferred, but my high heels would not fit him.
There has always been a special song "Don't forget to Remember Me" - he was supposed to sing and play the guitar at my funeral - tonite for a while there was just us - and he sang it very softly and beautifully - while I hummed the harmony - (I can't sing for shit - but in my own home we would sing together) I didn't think I could subject the other poor patients to my screeching. It was a very special moment - and his nurse just sat and stared - amazed.
Another one, which is embarrassing for me, is "You're My Angel". We have watched that DVD so many times and I finally have the CD so I can take it to him tomorrow.
Before I left the Dr spoke with us. He will respect Ahu's wishes tomorrow morning about pulling the plug. To date Ahu has a heart attack or his heart rhythm goes out of kilter every 4 days. I don't expect this time to be any different. I do not see any point in prolonging life, and nor does Ahu, when there is no quality of life and all he can do is lay there and breathe. He is utterly exhausted in every which way and sick of suffering. I hate seeing him like this and I want him to be free.
I am not sad at this time - that will come when he is gone. At present I treasure every moment I can have with him and to make his passing easier, more peaceful and loving. I gave him my word I will be there for him right to the end - he now trusts and believes that and it is a privilege and an honour for me to be given this opportunity. I am given the strength on a daily basis. My personal belief is no-one should die alone. I did this for a girlfriend 3 years ago - for some reason I understand the need for someone to be there when they die. Both Ahu and my girlfriend were/are extremely private people. At the moment the plan is to live very much in the moment and enjoy the time that we do have. He still has his wicked sense of humour and the fact that we can talk honestly and openly about him dying and make jokes about it makes it easier, sure we have our tearful moments but our main purpose is to achieve peace, laugh and say goodbye.
Thanks for listening to me - it is therapeutic for me to write this.