Bike related truisms

[Tank]

truisms (an obvious truth).

There are 000's for biking -

* If you are going to fall off getting on / off your bike - it will be in front of a hot girl / guy.

* You will need to pick up something fiddly - right after you have put on your gloves.

add yours to the list - best one (Judged by me) - gets a green bling - as soon as I'm allowed to bling again - (around end of March of sommin like that)

[MsKABC]

If you run out of petrol, it will be somewhere that involves a long walk uphill on a hot day in full leathers and/or a great deal of humiliation such as a motorway.

[Winston001]

You remember your earplugs just after you've got your gear sorted, helmet nice and snug and climbed on the bike....:oi-grr:

[Headbanger]

Self-congratulations on your awesome skills will guarantee you fuck up the next corner badly and experience the fear of death for 1/8th of a second.

[Taz]

If you run out of petrol, it will be somewhere that involves a long walk uphill on a hot day in full leathers .

That's because we all coast to the bottom of the hill hoping to get just that little bit further......

[Headbanger]

If you touch any part to see if its (still) hot, it will burn you.....

[TOTO]

You are most likely to fall off while doing a wheelie and will usually happen just after you have given the safety briefing before a ride.

[MsKABC]

That's because we all coast to the bottom of the hill hoping to get just that little bit further......


But I was riding uphill! oops...er...I mean...that never happened to me at all! It was purely hypothetical :whistle:

[Hiflyer]

if you stall with a flat battery it will be on a motorway onramp (uphill so you cant jump start) in peak hour while you are near the front of the queue resulting in you having to wheel your bike backwards down the onramp. (personal experience haha)

[ManDownUnder]

Any ride will end in doom if it starts with the thought "It's nice day today... and no cops..."

[ManDownUnder]

Thursday night group rides in North West Auckland will see plastic will being broken, and dirt being plowed

[ManDownUnder]

The one time your wife reads KB is immediately after you post that one little incriminating message

[ManDownUnder]

You will:

pour petrol down the tank while filling
dismiss or not worry about it
get that petrol on your crotch while mounting the bike
burn your nether regions all the way to the closest source of treatment and a change
only ever do this once
try to keep it from your friends
be the butt of jokes from all those friends that have already earned their "burned balls/flaps" badge when they do find out

[MadDuck]

get that petrol on your crotch while mounting the bike


I understand that is quite painful...:innocent:

[Swoop]

When the bladder is REALLY telling you to pull over and take a wizz, there is zero cover as far as you can see. Might as well be riding in the Arizona desert for flatness, so you have to wave at the passing motorist's as you moisten the ground.

[vifferman]

Bugs have an irresistible and fatal attraction to newly-polished visors.

The best way to remove lint and crumbs from your pocket is to put your earplugs in it.

Yes, those bike pants do make your bum look big.

No, there isn't enough petrol in the tank to skip filling up until the next service station.

A bike chain is specifically designed to return chain lubes to their original constituent ingredient: dinosaur spooge. This then evolves into little chain spooge barnacles that cling to various parts of your bike's wheels, paintwork, and your bike gear.

The expensive cleaners you buy for your bike are designed expressly to provide a perfect and clean substrate for chain spooge barnacles to adhere to your bike.

[HenryDorsetCase]

truisms (an obvious truth).

* If you are going to fall off getting on / off your bike - it will be in front of a hot girl / guy.



or in the pits at a raceday/trackday.

[Mikkel]

You will never learn to stop and put on your rain oversuit until your leathers are soaked and you are already sitting in a puddle.

[HenryDorsetCase]

When the bladder is REALLY telling you to pull over and take a wizz, there is zero cover as far as you can see. Might as well be riding in the Arizona desert for flatness, so you have to wave at the passing motorist's as you moisten the ground.

I just wave my cock at them. It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple, so generally they're impressed.

;)

[puddytat]

If you think about a cop, you generally do see one:Police:
If you think that you'll not see a cop, you generally do...:Police:
When putting your bike back together, it'll be when your putting the last bit on that you realise that you have to go back a few pieces ,to actually get that last bit on....:doh:

[GOPSTER]

You will catch up to a slow cage just before the twisties and every straight with have a car coming the other way.

[Insanity_rules]

1) When you decide yes you will listen to your ipod under your helmet, every basket under the sun will want to talk to you.

2) When you don't pack your wets, it'll rain

3) Just when your doing something stupid, the police will show up

4) Just when someone does something stupid to you, you won't see a cop for miles

5) Just when you decide for a new years prank you'll ride your bike through a camp ground nude.... You'll bump into the camp ground owner in the middle of the camps driveway. :doh:

[jim.cox]

Anton's Law: If it has tits or wheels, it will cause you trouble in the end

Jim's Corollary: If it flys, floats or fucks, you're better off renting it

[Max Preload]

The one and only time you accidently completely run out of fuel because the last time you filled up you forgot to change the fuel tap over, it will be at 2am on the Auckland motorway, southbound just before Mt Wellington (uphill) on a bike weighing nearly 1/4 of a tonne when the starter is flakey due to needing the brushes replaced.

True story... :o

[gijoe1313]

That most KBers are posting when they should be working ... :whistle:

[vifferman]

That most KBers are posting when they should be working ... :whistle:
Didn't you mean riding? :confused:

Who IS this imposter, and what have you done with gijoe1313? :Pokey:

[Max Preload]

Anton's Law: If it has tits or wheels, it will cause you trouble in the end

Tit or tyres rolls off the tongue better...

[Big Dave]

Big Dave is exceptionally cool.

[Crisis management]

Tit or tyres rolls off the tongue better...

You lick your tyres?


I could say thats really, really, anal but that may lead to another tangent.....

[Bonez]

All riders are legends in their lunch time.

[Mom]

You will tootle melodiously instead of cancelling your indicators at a re-gas point on a ride, while the servo is filled with other bikers.

[noobi]

when on dirt bikes, you'll remove your goggles because there full of dust or covered in mud then ride into a tree'ed part of the loop and get hit in the eye by a branch :shifty:

after stopping to help a fallen rider, you turn the fuel tap off and lay the bike over, help the fallen rider, get back on your bike to carry on, get to an uphill and run out of gas because the carb emptied itself from being on its side and you never turned the fuel tap back on. moral of the storey is to get a side stand or find a tree
:third:

[pete376403]

You should always beware of car drivers wearing hats.

(for older, non electric leg bikes) On a cold morning, your bike will not start, no matter how often you lunge down on the kickstarter, until you have removed your gloves, your helmet, your scarf, your jacket and the thick jersey you wear under your jacket. It will then start first kick. If you leave it idling while you put on all your gear, it will stall as you are doing up your helmet. It will then not start until your remove your helmet, your jacket,...

[ffirman]

* Not until the bike is running, all gear is on, including gloves, will you realise your jacket is unzipped, or the helmet needs doing up.

* When everyone is watching will be the one time that you will stall the bike - repeatably

Fran

[saltydog]

I know i,m having a shocker when I'm finally all kitted up just letting out the clutch and wham, she stops. Fuck. Stand still down.
Arh.... the old days.

[AD345]

Big Dave is exceptionally cool.

This applies to any Dave that is Big

[AD345]

When you leave (late) for a club meeting AND have to hold everyone up for more time while you fill up with petrol....

...you will find you left your wallet at home.

[klingon]

You will tootle melodiously instead of cancelling your indicators at a re-gas point on a ride, while the servo is filled with other bikers.

You will cancel your indicators instead of tootling melodiously when some idiot is pulling out on you without looking.

[McWild]

No matter how many times you check, no matter how hard you look, anything wrong with the bike will only reveal itself under the scrutiny of a WOF testing officer.

When the time comes for an emergency stop, you will have been distracted.

When you come across somebody who you would just love to show off your bike to, you will be in your small, fuel efficient car, or on a scooter.

[Jerry74]

needing to pee as soon as all your gear is on

[Jerry74]

running out of gas about 10 km from a town rates up there too

[glice]

If your feeling sick and your lunch wants some air. There will be no where to pull over, and you will have had alot to eat that day.

[Hailwood]

Only when you have spent three hours cleaning and polishing your bike, will you hit that swarm of big juicy green bugs on your next ride.

[Karl@Alpha]

Your glove always falls off the other side of the bike.
Leathers and back packs go on easer than they come off.
Zips jam when you need to pee.
Keys only go in pockts that cant be opend with gloved hands.
The later you are, the more you need gas.

[popa griffin]

The one time you sneek up to the front of the lights, you stall when it turns green.

[Mystic13]

You only ever forget the disc lock when you have an audience.

You only ever forget to turn the fuel cock on when traffic is heavier.

If you're unsure which road to take when lost, it's usually the other one.

Tyres always goes down when you pull the nail out.

When you go for a group ride with strangers, there's always one idiot.

[Mystic13]

Lady motorcycle riders always look hot in leathers.

Leather doesn't stretch (as much as you want it to).

Older guys with pots always think they look good in leathers.

[Mystic13]

Always get a haircut before buying a new helmet.

Cordura (textile) motorcycle gear is not waterproof.

There is no such thing as a waterproof glove.

Never carry a banana in your back pack.

[Mystic13]

A year ago you never knew as much about riding as you thought you did.

Tyres never have enough tread to do that last trip before changing.

Love is... having a biker for a partner.

[Karl@Alpha]

It will rain when you wash your bike.

[slofox]

When you make special arrangements to get to ride over that twisty mountain road, there will be roadworks all the way...(like last bloody Tuesday...)

[BOGAR]

Any time you have have an hour to spare before a ride and you start a 5 minute job, it will make you late.

[Swoop]

Never carry a banana in your back pack.
Why?:scratch:
I have one for lunch most days and have never had a problem carrying it loose in a backpack.
Or is this a superstition like when fishing?

[glice]

If you think you've lost the keys and are hours away from home, you will only find them after you have hot wired the bike.

[madbikeboy]

No, lost keys are always in the side of the bike (for the pillion seat cover). But this rule only works when you've looked everywhere else and already removed all your leathers, and in front of people. Lots of people.

Tire shops will always have the right tire, but it's always the wrong size.

[MarkH]

There is no such thing as a waterproof glove.


That is what the advertising for Rain-off overgloves said, so I bought them and they really do work as good as they say.

[Headbanger]

Big Dave is exceptionally cool.

And humble.

[Skyryder]

You always get a ticket when you can least afford it..

You been riding all day no speeding and bored out of ya mind. No cars in sight nothing. so you blip the throttle just to clear the cobwebs and up ahead is cop waving you down.

Skyyrder

[Kemet]

if you stall with a flat battery it will be on a motorway onramp (uphill so you cant jump start) in peak hour while you are near the front of the queue resulting in you having to wheel your bike backwards down the onramp. (personal experience haha)

Funny that.... I 've the odd occasion where the bike won't start and i'll be fcing uphill....

Neat thing is, is that if I have enough spacebehind me I can start the bikewhile rolling it backwards. Not as easy as a forward rolling hill start as there is usually not enough gradient for it to roll without requiring effort to push it backwards....


When the bladder is REALLY telling you to pull over and take a wizz, there is zero cover as far as you can see. Might as well be riding in the Arizona desert for flatness, so you have to wave at the passing motorist's as you moisten the ground.

This situation is even MORE likely to occur when you are of the feminine persuasion as said necessary stop usually requires one to partially disrobe, thereby revealing a (sometimes ample) round area to be displayed to all and sundry, of which there will be many, that choose that particular stretch of road at that partcular moment to drive by..... by which time you are totally committed to the act of relief and are unable to cease....

Did I leave anything out???


needing to pee as soon as all your gear is on

Corollary: needing to pee after exposure to low temperatures, usually prefaced by the donning of aforementioned apparel that then requires removal.....

[LBD]

Get kitted up, jump on the bike reach for the key...bugger its in your inside back pocket.

Always find the biggest splatiest insect with a newly cleaned visor.

Flat tyre/breakdown risk increases with remoteness or lateness.

Headlight globe will last forever if riding daylight hours only.

The only route home with your freshly detailed bike includes miles of dairy country just after milking time.

The only time your tank wont make 250km is when it is 220km between open servos.

Toilet stops are usually required 1/2 way between servos.

Seldom rains if you start out with your WWG on. (And vice versa)

When needing a rare part...had one on the shelf for years and sold it only last week

When he says...There are no more highway police for 200km...he did not mention the hidden speed camera 20km away.

[mctshirt]

Motorcycling is all good fun but:
- the hotter the day the more likely vast amounts of time will be spent removing gear again to retrieve key from pocket or doing up the helmet strap
- the more gear you have on the greater likelihood you will have to remove it for above reasons
- you will only remember your key/helmet strap after all gear is attached,done up, and tucked away and you are sitting on your motorcycle
-weeing on the side of the road will always attract another vehicle no matter how isolated the spot is
-incidents of stupidity like stalling, trying to start bike in gear/stand down, or running out of gas will occur at the moment you feel most like a motorcycling god in the company of others
-that annoying little fluid leak, miss, backfire, broken or bent bit will not be cured by a) ignoring it hoping the garage fairy will fix it during the night or b) revving snot out of the motorcycle although these will be the first two things you try.
-when those two methods unbelievably don't fix the problem you will always break something else attempting to fix it properly
-any repairs will require backtracking at some point or discovery of a better way after you have done it the hard way (the latter is invariably pointed out by friends at completion of the job and never prior when you mention you're attempting such a task)
-the longer the repair/maintenance task the more likely it will rain or previous appointment will delay the test ride
-your motorcycle always needs new tyres
-when purchasing a motorcycle there is always the ultimate bargain precisely $1000 above your budget

[JacksColdSweat]

it will always stay fine when you decide not to take the bike...

[Swoop]

Did I leave anything out???
Nope. It appears to be all tucked back in.:shifty:

[Bass]

Cleaning your visor increases the flying insect density fivefold during the day and tenfold at night.

Waxing your visor increases the flying insect density twentyfold, inhibits rain and increases fivefold the dirt content in the spray thrown up by vehicles ahead.

[NighthawkNZ]

Going for a ride...

Put on leathers, check...
Walk down stairs, check...
Put on gloves, check...
Take off gloves... mumble mumble.
Put on helmet, check...
Re-put on gloves, check...
keys... keys???
Take off gloves, back up the stairs, find keys...
Back down the stairs, check...
Re-put on gloves, check...
Start bike... check
Put bike in to gear, check...
Ride to petrol station
Take off gloves
Wallet...????????
Re-put on gloves,
Ride home...Take off gloves climb the gawd damn stairs again and find wallet...
Back down the stairs
Re-put on gloves, check...
Put bike in to gear, check...
Ride to petrol station
Take off gloves
Fill with petrol, check
Go to pay for petrol, money card is not in wallet... luckily I have just enough cash to cover...
Re-put on gloves, check...
Take off gloves
Reset trip metre,
Re-put on gloves, check...
Start bike. check...
Put bike into gear, bike it stalls
Put up side stand
Restart bike
Put in gear, check...


You think to your self that was a lot of hard work... so you ride home and go back to bed... some days are just not worth it...

[scumdog]

You always get a ticket when you can least afford it..

You been riding all day no speeding and bored out of ya mind. No cars in sight nothing. so you blip the throttle just to clear the cobwebs and up ahead is cop waving you down.

Skyyrder

I thought you hadn't seen me....:laugh:

"There is a direct ratio of the size of the catastrophe and the size of the audience - except when the catastrophe involves somebody else."

[Balrog]

You'll get the best grip between
the bottom of your boot and the inside of your wet weather pants.
(especially if its just started raining and you're on the side of the road)

[klingon]

The one day you wear mascara is the day your visor will get sprayed by a passing truck, forcing you to ride the rest of the way to work, in the rain, with your visor open.

[LBD]

The one day you wear mascara is the day your visor will get sprayed by a passing truck, forcing you to ride the rest of the way to work, in the rain, with your visor open.

Cannot say I have had the pleasure .... mascara running like a water color in the rain....

[Max Preload]

Funny that.... I 've the odd occasion where the bike won't start and i'll be fcing uphill....

Neat thing is, is that if I have enough spacebehind me I can start the bikewhile rolling it backwards. Not as easy as a forward rolling hill start as there is usually not enough gradient for it to roll without requiring effort to push it backwards....

Ummmm exactly how does that work without a reverse gear?