Modern families

[Jorja]

These days alot of families are blended. Combining kids and lives is not an easy thing to do and at times it can be a real struggle.
Kids have to adjust to new rules and a new aurthority figure.
Parents have to learn to let their new partners/husband or wife make decisions they are used to making on their own.

My question is

In a blended family, what do kids call their step parents? Especially when that new parent is the primary caregiver.

What if kids are calling their new parent mum or dad and their biological parent tells them it is wrong? Should the ex be allowed to say 'you are not allowed to call them that!':2guns:

Am interested to know how other people deal with this senario.

[Mom]

My kids call Maha by his name, as his kids call me by mine. I have the pleasure of being known as "my other mother" too, which is really nice. What about the boys call you mommaK or something along those lines? Personally I would not push to be called Mummy or Daddy by step children, that is for them to decide. I have had foster kids call me by name, and a few that used to call me Mum, but it was always their call.

Blending families is tricky, no doubt about it. We have been very lucky bringing our 2 families together, we have had no problems at all.

[Mully]

In my situation, I called him by his first name - I never had any intention or expectation to call him "dad".

I can see the point of the biological parent's issue, but I guess it's a matter of sitting down with the kids and telling them they can use whatever name they want, but their Dad will always be their Dad.

BTW, your bike field needs to be updated.

[Jorja]

actually in this case it was the kids choice and they do understand the difference. They like calling me mum and they call her mummy. I never asked them to, they just started doing it.

[yungatart]

My step kids called me by my first name, my kids called Mstrs by his first name.
I never wanted to be 'Mum' to my step kids, they had a Mum already, (even if I thought she had 'issues').
You have to go with what works for you, but it is best IMHO, not to do things that will aggravate the real parent...makes life too hard for everyone, but especially the kids.

[Mully]

actually in this case it was the kids choice and they do understand the difference. They like calling me mum and they call her mummy. I never asked them to, they just started doing it.

Ah, OK. Wrong way round from what I thought.

Umm, I guess if it's their (kids) choice. I guess it's just insecurity on their (biological) part.

[CookMySock]

What if kids are calling their new parent mum or dad and their biological parent tells them it is wrong? Should the ex be allowed to say 'you are not allowed to call them that!The kid should do as it feels comfortable. One day, if the kid wants to call ANY person "Mum" or "Dad" the time is right for them.

Kids visiting our house use whatever they choose. If one day they use "Mum" or "Dad" then good for us. If not, then maybe I could do something different in my own life, rather than forcing a situation on them.

I don't think any parent should be instructing their kids which to use. That is more likely to be based on the parents' own insecurites, rather than what is right or wrong, whatever that is.

Love them and let it grow and just see what happens.

Steve

[riffer]

I'm same as Yungatart and MSTRS.

Gini isn't Jessie and Zach's mum, she's Gini. The other two call her mum.

They all call me Dad though...

[James Deuce]

Don't worry about it. By the time they're teenagers, they won't be calling you anything except "uh". In their 20s they'll ignore you and in their 30s a therapist somewhere will be thanking your for blending your family by buying a new Porsche.

[DMNTD]

By our first names...

[Kevnz]

I thought the modern blended family had either two Dads or two Mums

[ManDownUnder]

My Step father was always "Jack". Dad is a special word reserved for a special man. I the ex should be entitled to keep that bond sacred and should have the right to reserve that word for him and him alone.

That's not a marital issue, that's a blood family issue which runs a lot deeper IMHO

[davebullet]

First names here too for the step-relationships.

As long as I don't get consistently called asshole, bastard or anything inbetween, then I feel I'm doing ok.

Kids usually don't have the problem... it's the adults insisting certain names are used. Adults need to look at their own insecurities and ask why that is.

Funny thing is, my ex has had a cutie little daughter to her new man. My kids call him by his first name, and the little girl calls me "daddy" when I see her, because that is all she hears my kids call me. Of course she gets a "biggie huggie" when I see her too.

[fire eyes]

First name basis for us.

I would prefer my kids to call my partner by his first name rather than Dad .. I would prefer my kids call any prospective step-mother by her first name. But they are only preferences .. it's not really an issue for us.

[Unit]

Ive a lot of experience with being a step parent. Im not their mother, they already have one who loves them, I am an adult in their lives and they refer to me by my name.
My daughter, on the other hand calls her step mum, mum. Thats because when she was little (10mths old) she was taken from me by her father, for 12 years, and was brought up by another woman (yes, it took 12 years to find her again), so she naturally called her mum. She corrects herself now (shes 20 now) when she refers to her step mum as mum when talking to me, but Ive always told her that its OK, because well she was her mum during her early years.
I guess it depends on the situation really.

[jrandom]

First names all the way.

'Mum' and 'Dad' are biological terms, doesn't feel right to try and shift the tags.

I know I'd go a bit apeshit if my kids started calling my ex-wife's partner (she doesn't have one, but I'm sure some day she'll find a man who'll be able to put up with her...) 'Dad'.

Maybe the 'new mum/dad' thing would be more likely to work OK for split/mixed families that are no longer closely involved with the ex-partner(s), or where one parent has died and the survivor has remarried? Dunno. Still doesn't feel right to me, though.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

I'm with everyone else first name. My kids where a little bit older when i started going out with pete so he has always just been called pete.

Now on another note i now have grandkids and i also believe they call pete by his first name as they already have a grandfather (prick that he is). He now won't talk to one of my daughters because she won't let her boys call his wife nanna.


I beleive that there are two many kids out there with two many mums, dads, nannas and pops. And then if any of these extended relationships part 9 times out of 10 they dont want anything to do with said children. Again who gets hurt the inocent kids. Should i now duck for cover.

[FROSTY]

I disagree that the word Mum or Dad is a birth right. I believe its earned by being the central figure in a childs life.Its earned by giving them a warm loved enviroment to grow up in.
Incidently of course I dont think the two are nessasarily mutually exclusive DAD can be father
I guess Im old fashioned but a child to me does not call an adult by his or her first name. I concider that disrespectful.
In Jorja's case its not a matter of the child having issues.The child prefers to call her mum.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

I disagree that the word Mum or Dad is a birth right. I believe its earned by being the central figure in a childs life.Its earned by giving them a warm loved enviroment to grow up in.
Incidently of course I dont think the two are nessasarily mutually exclusive DAD can be father
I guess Im old fashioned but a child to me does not call an adult by his or her first name. I concider that disrespectful.
In Jorja's case its not a matter of the child having issues.The child prefers to call her mum.

Sorry Frosty can't agree with that as your kids have a mother that does play a part in there lives if she didn't that would be something else altogether.

[toymachine]

I had a step dad late, and was a step dad early, so personally i never called my stepdad, dad, i always called him by his first name.

Likewise, when I was a step dad, I wasnt ready to be feeling like a dad, so i was called by my name or some kiddie version of it.

[Nasty]

You know I find this thread rather interesting ... interesting from a couple of angles ...

1. I am a stepchild
2. I am/was a stepparent

1. My stepfather was told that I didn't need another father, but I would like if he would be a friend. His parents are not my grandparents, but on that nore I have six grandparents ... they all have their own titles as well ... Nana June and Ron, Nana Daphane and Granddad and Nana and Pop ... multiple nanas .... but I know who each is and what they bought to my life.

2. little less on this, the kids were a blessing, their mother was not.

Kids as they grow up will decide themselves on what to call people, they receive guidance over the years, but inherently it is their decision.

Mum and dad are not hard and fast labels - nor are they things that you get as a right - it seems that the amount of people who think they only had a right to a word grows .. but being a sperm donor or egg donor does not give you anything - being a parent and bringing up a child may earn you that.

If a step-parent is called mum or dad by one of the kids there is something endearing about it .. .does that mean as a biological parent you are of less significance - probably not - but what it does mean is that the step-parent plays a significant role in their life and for them they have given them a significant name/title.

In todays blended families there is a true blending of the roles ... but not really a blending of the labels for them .... maybe that should be recognised somehow ...

[Mom]

You know I find this thread rather interesting ... interesting from a couple of angles ...

If a step-parent is called mum or dad by one of the kids there is something endearing about it .. .does that mean as a biological parent you are of less significance - probably not - but what it does mean is that the step-parent plays a significant role in their life and for them they have given them a significant name/title.

In todays blended families there is a true blending of the roles ... but not really a blending of the labels for them .... maybe that should be recognised somehow ...


Interesting take Nasty. I also think that if a biological parent feels threatened by their child calling a step parent Mum or Dad it is coming more from insecurity than from an actual dislike of the use of the word. I am opposed totally to forcing kids to use labels when adressing adults. For example I was made to call friends of my parents Uncle this or Auntie that, I hated it. They were not my family. I used to call them nothing.

I actually get very uncomfortable when people are visiting and their kids get told to call me Mrs Elliott. That is my ex-mother-in-laws name, not mine, I am Anne thanks. I dont find it disrespectful to be called by my name at all.
As far as blended labels go, my kids had it down pat when they were little.

They had a Nana and Poppa, a Grandad and a Grandma (who were remarried). So we had Grandma and Poppa Harry, and Grandad and Iris, their names for their grandparents.

[FROSTY]

Incidently the CHILD has no issue. Not asked to or forced to use a or any name

[Nasty]

Incidently the CHILD has no issue. Not asked to or forced to use a or any name

I thought this was a generic issue, from what the OP says in the first post. Not a family only issue which should be resolved inside the family - the confines of which include the blended areas.

[Nasty]

Interesting take Nasty. I also think that if a biological parent feels threatened by their child calling a step parent Mum or Dad it is coming more from insecurity than from an actual dislike of the use of the word. I am opposed totally to forcing kids to use labels when adressing adults. For example I was made to call friends of my parents Uncle this or Auntie that, I hated it. They were not my family. I used to call them nothing.

I actually get very uncomfortable when people are visiting and their kids get told to call me Mrs Elliott. That is my ex-mother-in-laws name, not mine, I am Anne thanks. I dont find it disrespectful to be called by my name at all.
As far as blended labels go, my kids had it down pat when they were little.

They had a Nana and Poppa, a Grandad and a Grandma (who were remarried). So we had Grandma and Poppa Harry, and Grandad and Iris, their names for their grandparents.

I have a host of aunts and uncles who are not family .. and most people who know me call me Kari .. I expect no less .. hate mr ms mrs .. find lables are a pathetic try to make me something that I am not :) I also like my name its unique and is part of who I am ... :) like yours too mom ;)

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Interesting to see that some pepole admit to dis owning stepkids after the link is brocken whitch hilights the point about of labaling people with family referances instead of there names

[Nasty]

Interesting to see that some pepole admit to dis owning stepkids after the link is brocken whitch hilights the point about of labaling people with family referances instead of there names

I take it this is Busa Pete .. or it would have said Mrs Busa Pete - would that be right???

Have no idea who has disowned their stepkids ... Or is it a case of the stepkids disowning them .... really on here, little snipbits of stories .. I don't think that these sorts of assumptions are that helpful ... in the thread or relevant to the OP.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

I beleive that there are two many kids out there with two many mums, dads, nannas and pops. And then if any of these extended relationships part 9 times out of 10 they dont want anything to do with said children. Again who gets hurt the inocent kids. Should i now duck for cover.



[QUOTE=Nasty;1991207]2. I am/was a stepparent



I take it this is Busa Pete .. or it would have said Mrs Busa Pete - would that be right???

Have no idea who has disowned their stepkids ... Or is it a case of the stepkids disowning them .... really on here, little snipbits of stories .. I don't think that these sorts of assumptions are that helpful ... in the thread or relevant to the OP.

That is correct at the end of the day you cant pull the wool over kids eyes .basicly do unto others as you would have others do un to you .the choice is yours to make the conection with the kids and dont get in the middle of them and there biologicail gardian/perant .

It come's back to what wendy said in her post.

[FROSTY]

ok Im hooked---what in heck is an OP???

[SARGE]

after my mom died.. dad remarried a few years later.. ( i was WELL out of the house by that time).. Born Again Nutcase .. hooked into dad HARD ( and his wallet)

for years .. she kept saying


"You can call me Mom.."


" but you're NOT my mom..you're my Dad's old lady..theres a difference.."

she never understood...


no... we didnt get along from day 1


my stepkids call me by my first name ..

[Mrs Busa Pete]

ok Im hooked---what in heck is an OP???


Over all picture. Oringinal post.

[Nasty]

That is correct at the end of the day you cant pull the wool over kids eyes .basicly do unto others as you would have others do un to you .the choice is yours to make the conection with the kids and dont get in the middle of them and there biologicail gardian/perant .

It come's back to what wendy said in her post.


smart ... take a little knowledge and know the whole story ... shows how small your limited knowledge is ... all you have to do is ask for the whole story ... or not and make stupid assumptions. Well done! BTW some of us choose to not be involved .. others are forced into that ... thinking about it.

Nothing to what Mrs BP said at all ... you have to be allowed to have a connection ...

[klingon]

How about coming up with something altogether different to call the step-parents? I mean:

- The biological parent isn't comfortable with the step parent being called Mum or Dad. It's a shame but it's the way they feel. It will definitely keep causing tension. Is it worth it?

- The step parent isn't comfortable being called their first name by kids (my mother used to feel the same way and would bristle if kids call her by her first name. Now she has grand-kids and feels totally different. She loves being called "nana Dawn")

- So maybe work together with the kids to come up with another option altogether. A special family name that will be unique to their relationship with this special person in their lives.

I have a friend named Imogen whose step kids call her Immie. They call their biological mother Mummy and like it that they have a "Mummy" and an "Immy" in their lives. Nobody else calls her that, so it's a special name between her and the kids.

Let the kids come up with a few different options and try them out until they find one that fits. When they do find one, it will be unique and extra special.

[klingon]

... from what the OP says in the first post. ...


ok Im hooked---what in heck is an OP???

In this case it means the Original Poster (the person who started this thread)

[Dutchee]

First names all the way.

'Mum' and 'Dad' are biological terms, doesn't feel right to try and shift the tags.
Me being pedantic. Not all biological, also environmental.
I'm adopted, so my non-biological parents are mum and dad. My biological parents are first name (I don't have contact with my b-mother anymore, but if I'm talking about her, it's by first name).
My sister calls her b-mother by her first name too. ;)
My husband's daughter calls him dad and me by my name. It was her choice, I still don't feel it's right her calling him dad as he wasn't involved in her upbringing (circumstances, not lack of interest on his part).

[FJRider]

There is an old saying... you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your realitives.

I personally would prefer to be called by my partners children by my my first name... as a friend. Or, an agreeable nickname that is appropiate for us.

A name or title... dad, sir, Mr, if used in/as a mark of respect, if none is present, is lacking in real meaning... thus should not be used.

Respect is/should be... earned. Not taken for granted that it exists...

[Winston001]

My 2 cents, not being a step-parent but almost was. "Mum" and "Dad" are special words and as a starting point, only two people in the world can be called that. They are the mother and father who raise a child from birth, even if separated.

Ok, that's the basic position. However, there are situations (such as with adoption or even fostering) that Mum and Dad are not the biological parents but nevertheless nurture and raise the child. They are rightly called Mum and Dad.

I might say at this point that I have no truck with the modern trend for children to address their parents by their first names, and cringe when I hear it. For me mum and dad are special names which no other man can take from me. But if you like to be called by your first name, no problem, just doesn't feel right to me.

Blended families are a conundrum and the variety of answers given here illustrate how difficult this is. I don't subscribe to the view that the children choose. By all means include them and their attitude is important, but not a commandment. They don't have the perspective of adults, especially of the mum or dad who is outside the new family. The wounds which unintentionally result can echo for decades.

I like the idea of mum and mummy, seems a clever answer. Generally my observation is step-parents are called by their first names - because they are not mum or dad - and that works out.

[MotoGirl]

Blended families are just a pain in the arse. My parents only separated 18 months ago (when I was 26) so the step-parent being mum/dad is never going to be an issue for us.

I'm more conscious of the issues this will raise when Cajun and I have our own kids in terms of what they will call any prospective step-grandparents. My parents won't have much to do with our (future) kids so I'm expecting that it'll be Granny Karen and Janan, or similar. (I'll deliberately make my kids call them by really old-fashioned names.)

[Kittyhawk]

After reading such interesting views, feels like our family is out of date and not modern. My parents would have been married 28 years this coming weekend.

As for the "mum" "dad label" It depends on who are the people who raise the child predominantly during the youthfull years. A child may be adopted for example, just because the parents are not biological they have developed a loving bond and trust with the child. If the child feels loved then naturally the caregivers would earn the right to be called mum or dad.

With blended families its a grey area. The children are the innocent you can not force them to call you mum or dad if you arent the biologicial parent. My parents taught me to call older people by Mr... or Mrs.... but this old form of traditional respect has faded over time. It dosen't feel natural if a step parent is living under the same roof and you are calling him/her Mr or Mrs....see it more like a flatmate situation but as a step parent you have a little more authority and can guide as well as coach children.

My cousin married into a family with 3 young girls. She too was concerned about them calling her mum, and she didnt know how to interact with the instant family. I told her that you can care and guide the girls, but at the end of the day you should respect them as people and be their friend so that they can learn to trust her with confidence.

Children will develop their own special little bonds with step parents. Or they will rebel and try to make your life hell, by putting pressure on the relationship to break it up. Either way they will grow older learn their own values of what the words mum and dad mean to them. If the child says it has two mums or two dads whos to say it is wrong? Its their call, could be they say that because they trust you enough to call you that.

As long as they respect both people in the relationship and you mutually agree on what they call you who cares. I consider myself lucky to have both my parents married and still together. Even luckier to have my dad alive after curing his own cancer to be able to call him my dad still. You only get one biological mum and one biologicial dad no one can change that.

[FROSTY]

I guess It does depend on the age of the child/children and the enviroment they are in.
A young child sorounded by other children using the word mum or dad naturally fall into using the same word

[davebullet]

OP can also mean Opium Pusher, but I don't think that is relevant here.

[Luckylegs]

...A young child sorounded by other children using the word mum or dad naturally fall into using the same word

Ah yup.... works the other way too, which is interesting. My daughter, who's been hearing me called by my first name by my step-son for all her life also occasionally calls me by my first name.