Spending time apart: how much is appropriate?

[MotoGirl]

I am scheduled to have a debate with someone later this afternoon and I can see the subject being raised about what is appropriate in terms of how much time a couple spends apart.

In my opinion, if you’re in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner; where the relationship is new, it’s traditionally the more time the better. I accept that the amount of time spent together could change based on the type, length and state of the relationship. The person I'll be chatting with is in a relationship with someone who leaves town almost every single weekend for at least a day trip, if not the whole weekend.

For those of you in a relationship, how often do you leave your partner and head out of town for a day or two? Are you visiting old and sick relatives or having a getaway with the girls/boys? And at what point is independence too much independence?

[yungatart]

I went to the US for a month and left Mstrs holding the fort. That is the longest we have been apart, but two or three days away is not uncommon for either of us. It is no big deal if you trust each other.
We have a strong relationship and don't feel the need to be together all the time.
There is an old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

[nallac]

It all depends on the couple,
my olds work together and spend 99% of there
time together...something i don't want (at the mo).

Its something my wife and me couldn't quit cope with...too much getting on each others nerves.

[MsKABC]

It all depends on what the couple is happy with. I know people who go away weekend after weekend to dog shows, leaving their partners at home. I guess it seems to work for them (although who would know?) I know another couple who are barely ever separated, and they are happy too. If there is a difference in what both partners deem as reasonable, then that's where you get conflict.

[Dooly]

Some weekends the wife is gone at 7ish out with her horsey mates riding. I usually go out on the bike most of the day and we see each other late arvo.
Some weekends it happens both days.
She goes away a few times a year up to 4 days at a time on horse events.
Hell, I love it, gives me space.
I think time apart is good for us.
Mind you I'm not a clingy lovey dovey type.:niceone:

[Blossom]

Definitely varies depending on the people and the relationship. Personally we don't tend to spend weekends away from each other (but we have only been married for 17yrs so it may change yet) But we often go out alone for an afternoon or evening or day.
But I guess it depends on how that separation affects the relationship. If it causes pain or deterioration to the couple then its too much. If it does not affect the relationship negatively then its not too much.
Just my 2c worth

[White trash]

12 minutes is appropriate I reckon.

[JimO]

the longer your together the more time you want to spend apart

[shafty]

GoGal and I enjoy time apart and LOVE getting back together afterwards. I guess it depends on where the person PREFERS to be - with or away from, their partner.

Every weekend sounds a bit strange ...

[Winston001]

The fact you are going to have this conversation tells you that for at least one of the people in the relationship, there is too much time apart. If a couple love each other, they are normally comfortable together and prefer being together.

Nevertheless there is no rule, as said above couples can happily have their separate interests and time apart. In fact I think it is healthy, its just a matter of how much and why. Down the pub every weekend isn't healthy.

The point is that if one person feels neglected or second choice to other interests then that's an unbalanced relationship. It's bound to lead to unhappiness and bitterness in the long term. So your friend needs to tackle this and make their feelings known. It might all end in tears but better now than months or years later.

[CookMySock]

In my opinion, if you’re in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partnerThere are lots of things we believe about "what we get from our relationship" which in reality turn out to be pipe dreams. They are a function of what we grew up with (or what was missing from that period) and what we need for our own lives, and usually end up projected on to some person who seems to fit the bill. Suffice to say, this usually becomes painfully clear that it was all an impossible fantasy.


at what point is independence too much independence?There is no such thing as too much independance. If there was, then there would also have to be too much love (from the other persons perspective.)

The only real solution is absolute independance, and absolute love.

Steve

[keithbuckby]

My wife and I have only spent 6 weeks apart in the 11 years we have been together, and that was when I was in hospital, so we were only apart at night really. I find I would rather be around her, and she comes with me on the rides, mushy I guess lol

[ManDownUnder]

There's not set amount of time that's right or wrong - it's a continuum depending on the people involved. Think of the relationship as having 3 parties, him, her and the relationship itself. Each needs time to develop. grow and enjoy life.

I heard an interesting perspective on it once. Couples start off doing everything together. But after a while if they keep doing everything together, all the time, they'll have nothing left to talk about... not good...

[Finn]

This thread is making me feel sick.

[vifferman]

You're going to get the same answer every time: depends on the couple.
Paul McCartney apparently spent only two nights apart from Linda in the whole time they were married. I've endeavoured to spend as much time as possible with my wife since I met her 31 years ago, but I've had times where I've had to travel for work, including 16 weeks in one 18-month period.
As the vifferbabe is my best friend, I love spending time with her. Lately I've decided to "Say "NO!" to shopping though"....
Actually, that's not really true; I'll go shopping with her (even the dreaded shopping for quilting materials) as a favour to her. Yesterday I said "No" to grocery shopping, as I was busy cutting up glass into small bits and joining it back together. Usually I either do the grocery shopping so she can do other things, or we do it together.

[MotoGirl]

If a couple love each other, they are normally comfortable together and prefer being together.

And if they don't "prefer being together" because every weekend is spent apart, what does that say about the relationship?

[Str8 Jacket]

And if they don't "prefer being together" because every weekend is spent apart, what does that say about the relationship?

Its going through a tough patch and needs some work. If neither party wants to put in any effort into the relationship then its best to break up. IMO.

[Beemer]

Yup, depends on the couple! And what their respective interests are. I know one couple where she is into horses (she has a bike as well) and so she goes off to horsey events and he goes motorcycling or does other things some weekends.

My husband and I are both into bikes and cars so we do tend to spend most of our leisure time together as we both want to go and do the same things. However he goes trail riding many weekends over summer and I am not into that so I stay home. He also does the 1000 Miler (Grand Challenge) every year and I sometimes go up and travel home with him afterwards, but most times I stay home.

Last weekend we went to a car club event together, and this weekend we are going away to the Beach Hop together - and last month we went to a few bike club events together. We don't HAVE to spend all our time together but we actually enjoy it. We trust each other so it's not a matter of "I want to know where he/she is and what he/she is doing every minute of the day", it's more a matter of enjoying each other's company, liking the same sorts of things, and wanting to experience them together.

[klingon]

You've chosen an intersting site to ask this on. Bikers should know as well as anyone how wonderful it is to get out their on your own and concentrate on nothing but the bike, the road, and your riding. Literally put everything else out of your head for a period of time and just do something you enjoy doing, on your own.

Even if you take a pillion along for the ride, they are still not the one in charge of the machine and if you're thinking about them too much you're not going to be doing a very good job of riding.

When I used to work in retail I liked nothing better than to go home at night to my one bedroom flat, shut the door, and be alone. I found that a whole day of forced interaction with people was all I could handle and I woldn't have handled it so well if I had to come home to someone else who needed me to interact with them. Friends wanted me to go out at night and be social but I rarely did - I needed to be alone for a while.

But as other people have said, if there is a difference between the needs of the two people in the relationship, then that's what needs to be addressed. She needs to be assured that him going away for the weekend does not mean he doesn't love her. And she needs to accept that he needs time on his own.

[Trumpess]

the longer your together the more time you want to spend apart


:yes:
Although my family are my world, I like my freedom.

[MsKABC]

Usually I either do the grocery shopping so she can do other things, or we do it together.

Good on you :yes: I hate sending my hubby grocery shopping - he spends way too much money and forgets half the things on the list. I don't like shopping with him either, it takes too long and he wants to buy too much junk food! :laugh:

[Trumpess]

Good on you :yes: I hate sending my hubby grocery shopping - he spends way too much money and forgets half the things on the list. I don't like shopping with him either, it takes too long and he wants to buy too much junk food! :laugh:



God ... that sounds sooo familiar!! :lol:

Ohhh and it takes twice as long to get the job done!

[cynna]

my girlfriend is off to london for 6 and a half weeks in may. thats the longest we have been apart in 6 years

we often go our seperate ways for a few days if i go away on my bike or off to see a band up north that she is not into and vice versa. her family is in auckland so she often goes up there. no big problem - looking forward to my 6 weeks of freedom tho...............

[FJRider]

Motorcycles are an escape from "normal" life... the lack of the restrictions(pressures), that can be imposed on you at home/work, make it easy to want to get out on the bike and just go. If you always have ... just gone when you felt like it... you always will. Sometimes a jab in the ribs (so to speak) to say ... I dont like that....lets talk about it... NOTHING will change.
I like the freedoms on the bike... but I dont see myself, as selfish as to assume MY wants are more important and have priority over my partners wants.

If it is not discussed, nothing will change

[Stirts]

And if they don't "prefer being together" because every weekend is spent apart, what does that say about the relationship?

What does it say about the relationship? Feck only the two people in that relationship will truly know. They may have good quality "relationship time" during the week and their weekends are "me" time. Who knows and who am I to judge their relationship.

When you are in a relationship you find that your relationship constantly changes the longer you are in it, as you grow as a person and as you get to know each other etc etc, sometimes your needs and wants change. It comes down to one simple little thing.....communication. Being straight up with how you are feeling, and where you want the relationship to go. What works for some may not work for others....EVERY relationship is different.

[BMWST?]

it does depend.....but on the face of it i would say that your exampme is over the top,every weekend and sometimes ALL weekend!

[Magua]

My ex-girlfriend and I were never apart for more than a week at a time, often far less. Although it seemed like we were tied at the hip we could still do our own things. Sometimes she'd go to partys with her friends and vice versa, or I'd go for a ride.

[vifferman]

Good on you :yes: I hate sending my hubby grocery shopping - he spends way too much money and forgets half the things on the list. I don't like shopping with him either, it takes too long and he wants to buy too much junk food! :laugh:
Nah, I'm pretty good at it. I had two years of being a house-husband, so I got pretty good at grocery shopping. Hated it though - usually did it on Tuesdays during the day, and the suburb we lived in was full of old retired people. I'd be wanting to whizz around and shop quickly and efficiently, and the aisles were almost invariably clogged by people who either forgot what they were looking for almost immediately after they'd perused their list, or who stopped to gab to all their geriatric mates about who'd died or was about to.
Sometimes I find it hard - I've had to do the shopping recently even though suffering from mentalness, but managed to get everything on the list, plus stuff that wasn't on there but needed buying. It took supreme control to fend off the panic attacks, or the desire to kill other shoppers who repeatedly get in my way. The other day I did brilliantly well, until I realised I'd forgotten to buy flour, so doubled back. In doing so, I ended up not going down every part of every aisle. Checked my list: yup - everything bought. Forgot the very first entry: milk. :rolleyes: It happened to be at the beginning of the very last aisle, so if I'd gone up it, I would've remembered to get it.

Shopping is (as you know) entirely different for (non-gay) males and females. Men just bag stuff (like hunting prey - that one'll do, get it before it gets away, we don't have to look at every animal in the entire forest). Get in quick, bag it, get out before the predators are attracted by your activity.
Women are used to browsing: examine ALL the fruit and greenery on offer, pick the very best, shiniest and ripest stuff. Take your time, make an outing of it.
When you apply this built-in programming to shopping together, it's fkn disaster. The guy just wants to buy the first thing that meets the criteria and is a reasonable price. The woman wants to look at EVERY FREAKING THING IN THE ENTIRE SHOP AND ALL SIMILAR SHOPS IN A 10km RADIUS to make sure she's got the very best colour / size / price / brand / packaging.

To be truthful, when I shop with my wife, I have to often supress my urge to scream and run away. I've learnt to go into a semi-catatonic state, retaining just enough surface awareness to instantly snap to attention if asked a question. While I've learned to be very good at shopping (f'rexample, I'm brilliant with colours), I find it less pleasurable than say, giving blood, visiting the doctor or dentist. Thankfully, I've also learned to be honest with the vifferbabe, and she's learned to recognise when I'm growing agitated or showing signs of stress, and ignore it...

I share activities such as shopping with the wife as a sacrifice - it's something she (usually/sometimes) appreciates, and I (sometimes/rarely) get brownie points for this selfless act. :rolleyes:

[MotoGirl]

But as other people have said, if there is a difference between the needs of the two people in the relationship, then that's what needs to be addressed. She needs to be assured that him going away for the weekend does not mean he doesn't love her. And she needs to accept that he needs time on his own.

This is the reverse of that situation. She spends all day dealing with customers yet still goes out regularly with girlfriends during weeknights and sometimes both days on the weekend. Adding to this, a weekend getaway with a girlfriend would happen at least twice a month.

[MsKABC]

Nah, ...

:laugh: to everything you just said!

[Xaria]

I Canged jobs from having Friday - Saturday off to having Saturday - Sunday off. The hardest thing for me was not having my one day all to myself.

[Hawkeye]

This is the reverse of that situation. She spends all day dealing with customers yet still goes out regularly with girlfriends during weeknights and sometimes both days on the weekend. Adding to this, a weekend getaway with a girlfriend would happen at least twice a month.

So who is the other man?

[MotoGirl]

So who is the other man?

Are you joking or do think it's a serious possibility. I have my own opinion but I want yours!

[ManDownUnder]

And if they don't "prefer being together" because every weekend is spent apart, what does that say about the relationship?

On the face of it - very little. It all depends on WHY they are apart. Everyone needs alone time balanced off with couple time, or couple time balanced off with alone time. When one, other or both feel a lack of one of those needs being met then there's a problem. To prescribe the right amount is like prescribing the best bike for everyone.

Needs are different, one size does not fit all.


This is the reverse of that situation. She spends all day dealing with customers yet still goes out regularly with girlfriends during weeknights and sometimes both days on the weekend. Adding to this, a weekend getaway with a girlfriend would happen at least twice a month.
Which might be an extrovert satisfying her social needs, or someone avoiding her significant other for whatever reason. Only she will know that. From the info presented here I don't think there's a reasonable way to form a valid opinion on the matter

[Swoop]

Nah, I'm pretty good at it.
I am quite sure that there is an entire thesis waiting to be written, on supermarket shoppers and shopping.

I have developed an appreciation as to why concealed handguns are not permitted in NZ...
If females can multi-task, why can't they park a fucking shopping trolley in a position that DOSEN'T block the aisle?:ar15:
/rant.

[CookMySock]

She needs to be assured that him going away for the weekend does not mean he doesn't love her. And she needs to accept that he needs time on his own.No. Sorry. She needs to unconditionally believe that he DOES love her, completely forget about any idea to the contrary. It is not reasonable or fair for him to offer his undue amounts of continual reassurance that he loves her, when she uses "evidence" like this question his commitment. This is her insecurity at play, and it will damage the relationship if she does not keep it in check.

The reverse also applies - He must accept, that large amounts of time spent with with her, do not compromise his independence or his freedom.

The ONLY path to growth is US getting past OUR fears and insecurities - not us getting what we want from others.


Are you joking or do think it's [another man] a serious possibility. I have my own opinion but I want yours!Please don't even hint at that. You might be right or you might be wrong, but either way there is a massive amount of pain to be had there. No matter how tempted you are, please don't do it.

Steve

[Skyryder]

I have always found the longer time apart the better the re-union.


Skyryder

[awayatc]

Done a few 3 month trips away....
But am every year at least 6 months away....
Cellphone and Iridium phones now mean you can talk anytime anywhere.....
Not to long ago away meant no phone .. nothing.
Am older now so do cushy 4 week trips away only....
and then 4 weeks off...
Wouldn't have it any other way.

[owner]

I spent 4 months away from Bikern1mpho. But we talked everyday and night
My point is you can be away from someone and still be in touch.

Im off to auckland for a week now. I hope she rings me:crybaby:

[klingon]

... It is not reasonable or fair for him to offer his undue amounts of continual reassurance that he loves her, when she uses "evidence" like this question his commitment. This is her insecurity at play, and it will damage the relationship if she does not keep it in check.


I totally agree and was certainly not suggesting that he should offer "undue amounts of continual reassurance." Just that they should sit down and talk about it and find out where the problem is. I suspect the problem lies with her interpreting his absence as rejection - exactly the insecurity you refer to.

[slofox]

Partner and I have what might be called a stable relationship in that it has lasted ten years so far. But we do not live together and never have. We live at opposite ends of the city. (Be nicer to live closer actually). I think if we lived together we would not last - we both like our own space and are both fiercely independent. BUT - we dance together so spend a lot of hours together in practice halls or having lessons or at competitions or travelling to places to compete. For us the dance thing is important although having said that, we did have four years off the floor and still managed to stay together. We talk daily and in are fact quite closely bound together. But we don't have to be physically together all the time for the relationship to stay strong.
Not all relationships are the same. There ain't no "one size fits all...."

[Burtha]

As per most, different strokes for different folks.

Hubz and I have been together for over 15 years.
Sure, we can drive each other nuts at times but once we had to spend the most of 7 weeks apart once and we HATED it (when moving country & jobs finished at differing times).
We are too much in love and too close as best friends to not be around each other doing stuff all the time.

Its all based on the love / friends ratio.
You can love someone with all your heart and still only need a little amount of time to be completely happy & content with them.
We have just worked out that we love doing almost everything together and what we don't, we compromise / plan out individually or whatever ie; when I go on a ride with the ladies he watches sports! :D.

Hope the chat went well.

[LittleJohn]

It's not how long or often you are away its what you do when you are together that makes or breaks a relationship.

I'm in the military and spend months at a time away, every year. During these times away I cannot ring you e-mail everyday, sometimes once a week is all you get. That is a fact of my job and a way of life that we both live with. Wouldn't have it any other way but it is hard on our kids.

When I'm here we spend a lot of time together (not every minute of every day). We try and do things as a family and have very similar hobbies which is good. In saying that a day at home could be me in the garage and the missus doing something in the house all day, so although we are at the same place we are not "together".

We do however have a very strong relationship, good communication and a desire to be with each other. I believe that people blame a failed relationship on things like not spending time together when it isn't that at all but the desire to be together no matter what.

[Oakie]

We've probably had no more than 5 nights apart in the last 6 years.

We don't really have individual circles of friends though so the only thing that sees us apart is when wifey goes visiting her mum by herself.

[MotoGirl]

I had a chat with one half of the relationship and was told that the woman apparently goes away because the stress at home is too much for her to bear. (The person I spoke to is the one causing her the stress.)

People handle stressful situations in different ways but I struggle to understand why anyone would remain in the relationship if the partner is causing that much strain that you can't be around him.

This "getting away from it all" has been happening since they first met so it's not like they were madly in love before the stress began. She chose to get involved with him knowing he had a problem that wasn't resolved.

[Hoon]

Marrried 3 years. I spend on average one weekend a month away from my wife. On top of that the occasional trip or course may see me disappear for 2-3 weeks maybe once/twice a year. The longest we spent apart was 4 months when I was overseas. In fact during our first year of marriage I think I was absent for over half of it.

The wife doesn't like me going away but I love it (what I'm doing while away not the being apart bit).

[CookMySock]

I had a chat with one half of the relationship and was told that the woman apparently goes away because the stress at home is too much for her to bear. (The person I spoke to is the one causing her the stress.)Owch. Sounds like he is going to have to cool it. It will be easy for her to push his buttons until he responds, and then say its all his fault, and then leave again. It's poor behaviour on her part to just walk out though. It's not like she is going to suffocate or anything, regardless of how it might feel like it.


[....] I struggle to understand why anyone would remain in the relationship if the partner is causing that much strain that you can't be around him. Usually because the relationship resembles a previous relationship with a dominant negative parent. In her current relationship, she is able to renegotiate this old dynamic and address a childhood issue by wresting control of this new relationship from her man, and now conducting it on her terms. Unfortunately, without his clinginess the current scenario would be unworkable, and with it, it is unworkable. They both have a massive, massive mountain to climb.


This "getting away from it all" has been happening since they first met so it's not like they were madly in love before the stress began. She chose to get involved with him knowing he had a problem that wasn't resolved.Yup. It's called an <a href=' http://www.google.co.nz/search?q="imago+match"'>Imago Match</a>. Every relationship is sort of based this way (quite a few are not) but they vary hugely in the level of intensity, from the slightly annoyed, to the murderously possessive.

Steve

[Burtha]

If its been like this from the beginning, it might be baggage on her part ie; expecting things from him that aren't him?

The click is either there at the beginning really or not. After that, when "the honeymoon is over" and reality sinks in is when you start realising that the other person farts, and has a multitude of annoyances that you can either live with and love as a whole package or you don't.

Personally, I still love my snorring, fluffy, stubborn hubby! :love:

Has he come to any conclusions as to what he is going to do about it (long term that is)?