Joke Thread #6482292

[Skunk]

The definition of True Courage ...

...is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys...
Then being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Were you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

[MOTOXXX]

ah thats an oldie but a goodie. keep em coming :2thumbsup

[Skunk]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[Wolf]

There was an old parody of Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight" by HOmer and Jethro in which they sing:

If you fly back again
Park your broom and come in
Darlin' thaaat's why you're lonesome toniiiiiight!

[inlinefour]

When things go wrong, as they usually will.
And everything seams all uphill.
When funds are low and debts are high.
And you try to smile, but can only cry.
And you really feel that you want to quit.
Dont come to me because I dont give a shit.

[MSTRS]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal".

[bear]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender says "no way, I'm not serving you", the nose asks "why not?", with which the bartender replies "you're off your face mate!"

(Same joke can be told with a bra instead of a nose, reason for not being served = the bra was off his/her t*ts.)

[MSTRS]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking
on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would
like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got
it for my husband."




The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.





Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[roo]

A man and his wife are driving along in a snowstorm and spy an animal huddled in the ditch. Stopping to investigate they find an injured skunk and decide to take it to a vet in the next town.
The wife is sitting in the seat holding the skunk and observes that it's half frozen and hypothermic. The man replies "Well put it between your legs, it's plenty warm down there." "But what about the smell?" the woman asks, to which the man replies...
"Just hold it's nose".

[Sniper]

I just figured out how to solve two of the worlds biggest problems

Get the hungry to eat the homeless

[Coyote]

I just figured out how to solve two of the worlds biggest problems

Get the hungry to eat the homeless
You forgot the third...

Homies

When I was trying to find a pic to show you how bad they are (too awful to continue looking), I found this instead:

http://www.bowcycle.com/bicycles/newsletter/images/gansta_atv.jpg

[Sniper]

That is so sad, and check the "for rent" sign on the cop shop

[Coyote]

That is so sad, and check the "for rent" sign on the cop shop
Sad? Buh homies r so totly kewl 2 da maxx

[Sniper]

Buh I dnnnt lik mai homeee's

[Coyote]

Buh I dnnnt lik mai homeee's
Fo ShIzZlE mY nIzZlE
iT's ThE bIg NePtIzZlE
WiTh ThE sNoOpY-d-O-dOuBlE-gIzZlE

And no, I don't know what the hell that means

[MSTRS]

This is for all those afficianados of the Fart esp. RiffRaff

[MSTRS]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them: "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them: "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"
"Oh, yes, let's," she replies!
"But let's change positions," she continues. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

[Storm]

This is for all those afficianados of the Fart esp. RiffRaff

Thank you for lightering my day immeasurably. I havent laughed till I cried for too long. Well done that man :wari:

[MSTRS]

just checking....

[Blakamin]

how did ya know???

[MSTRS]

Just a feeling, you know. Seems we should trust our intuitions?

[Sniper]

Clever Senior Citizen and the Policeman

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[Sniper]

Father Explains Condoms to Son

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[MSTRS]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him,
"Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says,
" Oh me heaven Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?"
she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,
"Oh shite, tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long
has it been since you've played around ?" ... exposing much of her body .
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there! "

[vifferman]

Coupla pix:

[Skunk]

Jamaican Kinder Egg

[BNZ]

Fo ShIzZlE mY nIzZlE
iT's ThE bIg NePtIzZlE
WiTh ThE sNoOpY-d-O-dOuBlE-gIzZlE

And no, I don't know what the hell that means

Why does snoop dawg carry an umbrella?

Because of all the drizzle.

[Skunk]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here." Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? Ill handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

[Krayy]

A blond cager is stopped by a traffic cop while driving the wrong way up a one way street.

"Didn't you see the arrows?", the officer asks.

She looks at him amazed and says, "Arrows? I didn't even see the indians!"

[MSTRS]

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer & notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Sniper]

Did you read in the newspaper about the 4 foot tall fortune teller who escaped from jail and the newspaper headlines ran:

Small medium at large

[Wolf]

Guy gets a call on his cell phone while driving. he answers it to hear his wife's frantic voice telling him to be careful - she's seen on the news that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the Motorway.
"One idiot?" He says incredulously. "There's hundreds of 'em."

[Sniper]

Criminally STUPID


THAT'S JUST GOOFY

In Cranberry, Pa., a man walked into Gordon's Mini Mart wearing a mask of the Disney dog Pluto and demanded money, but the clerk laughed him out of the store. Meanwhile, in Tsu, Japan, a 31-year-old man wearing a monkey costume tried to rob a con-venience store, but when he tried to take money from the cash register he couldn't grab it with his "paws."

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

In Van Buren, Ark., Mark Thompson stole a car stereo from a car parked in front of a tire store, then decided to moon the empty store. He then fled, not noticing that his wallet had fallen out when he'd dropped his pants. Police found it later, along with another piece of evidence: a rather large "butt print" on the store's window.

DOOFUS du jour

In Charlottesburg, Va., Raymond Caldwell walked into a jewelry store on Valentine's Day and asked to look at a couple of diamond rings. While the clerk was getting them, Caldwell stuffed an engage-ment ring and two wedding bands into his pocket and ran from the store. He then went home, gave the rings to his girlfriend and proposed to her. When she found the rings didn't fit, Caldwell told her to take them back to the store to have them sized. She did, and after the clerk recognized the rings, police were called.

WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

In Moorhead, Minn., a man with a license plate that reads "TIPSY" was arrested for DUI, while in Hong Kong, Ho Heng-chau, 20, was found guilty of drug possession on a day when he chose to show up in court wearing a T-shirt that read "COCAINE" across the front.

SUPERSIZE YOUR SENTENCE

A Marathon, Fla., man, arrested following a fight at a local bar, told the arresting officer that if he drove him to McDonald's he would buy him two cheeseburgers in exchange for his release. He's now charged with trying to bribe a police officer

[MSTRS]

Nelsons ships confront the French at Trafalgar

Nelson “Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that the government plans on legislation making it compulsory, sir."
Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

[MSTRS]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

[Skunk]

Matthew Porter, 25, was arrested in a Texas golf course carpark and charged with possessing marijuana. Porter didn't have the drug on him - but his dog JD sure did, reports the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. A police search of Porter and his pals came up empty - until JD emerged from an ornamental pond with a large plastic bag full of marijuana in his mouth. Tail wagging, the labrador dropped the bag at Porter's feet. Porter had tossed it into the pond as police approached.

[Hitcher]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a supermarket bag?

One's white, plastic and dangerous around unsupervised children. The other holds groceries.

[MSTRS]

As long as the first & last letters are in the right place, the brain can make sense of it. Believe it or not you can read it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. ! Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

[Wolf]

As long as the first & last letters are in the right place, the brain can make sense of it. Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. ! Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
Partially correct - we also use the shape of the word a lot - which is why people like WINJA who type all caps are hard to read: caps rob the words of their distinctive shape, turning all words into "rectangles" of varying length, forcing us to slow down. "DOG" is a short rectangle, so is "BOG", they look similar enough to force the reader to slow slightly. "dog" and "bog" look different enough to be read quickly.

Guidelines for making "readable publications" warn against over use of caps as the average reader "tunes out" or becomes frustrated. Effective for occasional bits (like headings or important points) where you want the reader to slow down and take notice of what you're saying.

Mega$loth use all caps in their EULAs to slow you down and prompt all but the most anal-retentive to give up in frustration part way through (the bit where you agree to hand over your first born child and be lowered slowly into a vat of boiling acid is near the end of the EULA where it won't be read by most people.)

The following is the same mangled text but in all caps and, while still readable, is not as easily scanned as the mixed case version.

I CDNUOLT BLVEIEE TAHT I CLUOD AULACLTY UESDNATNRD WAHT I WAS RDANIEG THE PHAONMNEAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID AOCCDRNIG TO A RSCHEEARCH AT CMABRIGDE UINERVTISY, IT DEOSN'T MTTAER INWAHT OREDR THE LTTEERS IN A WROD ARE, THE OLNY IPRMOATNT TIHNG IS TAHT THE FRIST AND LSAT LTTEER BE IN THE RGHIT PCLAE. THE RSET CAN BE A TAOTL MSES AND YOU CAN SITLL RAED IT WOUTHIT A PORBELM. ! TIHS IS BCUSEAE THE HUAMN MNID DEOS NOT RAED ERVEY LTETER BY ISTLEF, BUT THE WROD AS A WLOHE. AMZANIG HUH? YAEH AND I AWLYAS THOUGHT SLPELING WAS IPMORANTT

[Sniper]

Wow. Thats intersting theology Wolf, thanks :niceone:

[MSTRS]

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger.
When men notice they should try not to yell at their spouses.

My name is Bob.
Let me relate how I handle the situation with my wife, Sharon. When I took "early retirement" in May, it became necessary for Sharon to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we needed.
It was shortly after she started working more that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from golf or fishing about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half hour or so before she starts dinner. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get dinner on the table.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. Now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I'm willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but, unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I had a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Sharon is starting to complain a little, occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.I also remind her that,
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by the
hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sharon on a daily basis.
I'm not saying that my ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women can become, as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

[Sniper]

Oooooooooooo, hehehe

[Gremlin]

Sensitives might want to steer clear of 2. If your sensitive about the others, then don't tell me :lol:

[bear]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[MSTRS]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

[Storm]

:killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme :lol:

[Rainbow Wizard]

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

[Storm]

I can report that not all F's are fake. I have made a rigourous examination of a pair of 14 F's , and they are completly natural :banana: :msn-wink:

[Sniper]

I can report that not all F's are fake. I have made a rigourous examination of a pair of 14 F's , and they are completly natural :banana: :msn-wink:

Pictures????

[Hitcher]

I can report that not all F's are fake. I have made a rigourous examination of a pair of 14 F's , and they are completly natural
Was she a Friesian?

[Storm]

Pictures????
She is not a cow, she is my fiancee(and is she ever see's this, I am going to get a "look" and a half :confused:
and she does have "feelings" on me showing you that sort of photo

[Hitcher]

Be very careful, least you lose an eye...

[Storm]

here, I'll chuck a man a bone. Give you a hint ?

[Storm]

Be very careful, least you lose an eye...
Oh I am very thourough and comply with all applicable OSH regulations during my "inspection"

[Krayy]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm,
his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've
got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the
sheep."

[flyin]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm,
his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've
got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the
sheep."


http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showpost.php?p=215236&postcount=44

Lucky man!....... gets to laugh at the same jokes over and over again......mmm amnesia

[Coyote]

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=272

[Riff Raff]

True Bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.... then being assaulted with a broom by your wife, And still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

[MSTRS]

True Bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.... then being assaulted with a broom by your wife, And still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
Bravery is doing something that can earn you a medal. This, however, is not likely to earn even a posthumous medal.

[MSTRS]

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:



HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST

STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door

to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[Waylander]

:killingme :laugh: :killingme :laugh: :killingme That's some funny stuff!!!

[marty]

Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

[RiderInBlack]

Attention Dogs and Cats,


The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. I must exit through the same door I entered.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order of things is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!





To pacify you, my dear pets, I posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain about our Pets:


They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes - stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

I like my pets a lot better than most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.



Dogs and cats are better than kids:


They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train.

Usually come when called.

Never drive your car.

Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

Don't smoke or drink.

Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

Don't wear your clothes.

Don't need a million dollars for Uni.

And if they get pregnant, you can sell the offspring - legally!!

[nodrog]

why did hilter commit suicide? because he got his gas bill.

[MSTRS]

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral -
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

[bear]

There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

[roxy]

this is the joke thread huh, this made me laugh, lots


This is hysterical......

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in
Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and
ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of
Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold
Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clockthis
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying
with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us Brian knows not
to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo.. do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara : “Around 8 this morning”

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"


And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[Sutage]

hahahahah, i wonder if theres a recording of that anywhere, :killingme

[Biff]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[marty]

there is - i've got it somewhere (no - not up my a$#e)..../

[MSTRS]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[MSTRS]

A small child is lost in Kmart, the security guard asks the little girl "Whats your mummy like?" The child replies "Big cocks and vodka!"

[marty]

here it is....

[MSTRS]

More from the radio....

[RiderInBlack]

There are some good ones here for those of you who are dairy farmers!!!!!!!!! - but if you're like me you'll get a good laugh anyway!

If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e. g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[MSTRS]

This report just in. Note - the names have been changed to protect those involved. :devil2:
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and TwoWheeledMember stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, ThrowerOfPotatoes popped out in front of her and shouted.
"STOP! Have you got proof of registration?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. He nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, SlimeyCanine stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
:killingme

[Ogri]

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline :

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophreic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press. Remember you are never alone.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory
loss press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to
talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You
won't be crazy forever.

[Ogri]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.





He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."



The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.



Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."




So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON








SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

[Ogri]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aeroplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know,
Bob,one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[Ogri]

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.











Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

[Blakamin]

Must see if the boss will hire her as the new office girl..... :devil2:

[RiderInBlack]

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
:killingmeGot to give that one to my nursing friends:killingme

[StoneChucker]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

[Joni]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

:killingme :killingme
The sex caller was a clasic!!! Very funny Dave. Although I dont know if I should be offended... :whistle:

99.9% of the people on KB wont get this... but anyone who has encountered the "Afrikaner" culture will understand all too well...

Good on ya Stoney, you made made me laugh tonight... :niceone:

[saiko]

I can report that not all F's are fake. I have made a rigourous examination of a pair of 14 F's , and they are completly natural :banana: :msn-wink:

I can offer my services for a second opinion

[StoneChucker]

:killingme :killingme
The sex caller was a clasic!!! Very funny Dave. Although I dont know if I should be offended... :whistle:

99.9% of the people on KB wont get this... but anyone who has encountered the "Afrikaner" culture will understand all too well...

Good on ya Stoney, you made made me laugh tonight... :niceone:
Wat sal hulle nie kry met jou koeksister? :devil2:

[Skunk]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)Excellent! :killingme


Wat sal hulle nie kry met jou koeksister?
Huh?

[Joni]

Huh?
Dont even ask... :no: He's being ummm rude!! :whistle:

[StoneChucker]

Dont even ask... :no: He's being ummm rude!! :whistle:
Aww... "You must spread some reputation around before giving to Joni again"... Well, it's the thought that counts :devil2:

You're right though, 99.9% of people on here will find it funny for the accent part, but miss the good 'ol SA meaning/humour :no:

[MSTRS]

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male'!"

[Riff Raff]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

:killingme Bloody excellent. Now if only I could remember enough Afrikaans to write something really witty... oh well I'll just have to Fart next time I see you.

[MSTRS]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off. "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly."My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the
classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes?" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing.
'Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[MrMelon]

A young man is pulled over for speeding. Looking at his rough hair and ragged clothes the policeman asks how he is going to pay the fine since he obviously hasn't got a job. "But I have got a job", the young man replied. "I am a rectum stretcher". "What does a rectum stretcher do?", asks the policeman. "Well", said the young man, " I start with my fingers, and then one fist, and then two and keep on like this until it is six foot". "What would you do with a six foot asshole asks the policeman". "Well", replies the young man casually, "you stick
him on the end of a bridge, and give him a radar gun".

[Al]

There's an old man who goes into a bar and looks at the biggest, baddest, meanest biker and says, "I saw your grandma last night." The biker gives him a look and turns away. "I saw your grandma naked last night." The biker once again gives him a look and turns away. "I fucked your grandma last night..." says the old man. "Dammit grandpa, go home!"

Al

[Al]

The Probing Doctor!

This chick walks into a doctors surgery and the nurse tells her to take
off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute so she
does.

The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her
thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "your
checking for menopause" and he says "very good".

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm
doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very
good".

Then He jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what
he's doing know and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's
why I came to see you"


Al

[Eurodave]

There were these 2 hookers standing on a street corner... one says to the other "Tonights going to be a good night, I can smell cock in the air!" the other one replies "Oh sorry... I just burped"

[Eurodave]

The Taxman visits this prostitute & asks her why she put down 'farmer' as her job description, she replies " well I raised 500 cocks last year"....

[Eurodave]

THE MATING CALLS OF COMMON BIRDS;

CHICKEN, cheep cheep

OWL, whooo whooo

ROOSTER, cock a doodle do

BLACKBIRD,Come on Rangi f*&k me up the arse

[Eurodave]

Wot do you get when you cross Micheal Jackson & Arnold Schwartzenegger??


Micheal Wazzanigger!!!

[Eurodave]

Customer:
"excuse me, but how can this tiny little handbag cost so much?"

Sales asst; "Its made of foreskin ,madam ,when you lick it, it becomes a suitcase!!"

[Skunk]

A dedicated UAW (United Auto Workers) union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you might expect, decided to
check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable and hopefully
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madame responded,

"Why, yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UAW man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would sir," said the Madame, then gesturing to an
obese elderly woman in the corner, "… but Ethel here has
seniority."

[MSTRS]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They
approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I
will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!"
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was
so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my
travels through the galaxy,
it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"

[Skunk]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them:
"In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

[Eurodave]

How did the butcher introduce his wife?





Meet Patty

[MSTRS]

The Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for a
new player to hopefully win them the Super 12 again. One scouts informs
him of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch
him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play
for the Blues.

Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders
with only 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod
to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins
the game for the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches
are ecstatic, and the media love the new star. When he comes off the
field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day playing rugby for
the Blues.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we
were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day".

"Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked
and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you
were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his Mum "Its your fault that we moved to South
Auckland in the first place!"

[Riff Raff]

One days Sione was cudding da grass with his sapelu [bush knife], when all of a sutten da ampulance went going by. Sione straight aways drop his sapelu and run after da ampulance. Da ampulance driver look to his side mirror and see a man in a lafalafa [a wrap around cloth] running after him. Afraids for his live, becos he was in [Auckland's notrious suburb of] Otara, da ampulance tryver stepped on da cass. His ampulance go very, very farce.
But Sione farce too. Sione loose one chandal, but he keep runnings, Sione's lafalafa starting to falling downs but he keep runnings. Da ampulance tryfer look in da side mirror and he is amaze dat da man wiff da falling down lafalafa and one chandal is not giffing up. Da ampulance dryfer is now concern finkings Sione chase him because he need medical assistannce. Sione, was please to see the ampulance was stoppings for him.
About 3 minute later, Sione catch up to da ampulance. The ampulance dryfer open da backs toor and say to Sione, "What is da matters? You needs help??
Sione with his hands on his knees, buffing like hell. Wiff his preaths back, Sione looks at da ampulance tryfer and say
"I haf da one snow-cones wiff da chocolate flakes!"

[MSTRS]

wearsyabin riffy

[Joe Blogs]

Teacher asked pupil, "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?"

Pupil replies, "Legs Miss, I've seen my mum with her leg in the air screeming God I'm F***in coming."

[MSTRS]

Loved the first one....