Guy walks into a bar...

[Laava]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[CookMySock]

LMAO!! :killingme

[Mikkel]

A man walks into a bar.

OUCH.

[Mully]

A man walks into a bar.

OUCH.

Seal walks into a club.

Ouch.

[jim.cox]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't get many of your kind in here. But you know, we do have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Well, I was going to have a beer, but I ought to try one tha's named after me, so give me a Steve."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

A man walked into a bar and the bartender told him, "this is a class place. You gotta have a tie. That's the rule." The man went back to his car and couldn't find anything to make a cloth tie, so he grabbed his jumper cables and tied a neat knot around his neck. He went back and asked the bartender if that would be good enough. The bartender replied, "Well, I suppose it meets the rules. Just don't try to start anything."

[jim.cox]

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that pig?" The woman replies, "This ain't no pig." The bartender shoots back, "Hell, I was talking to the duck."


A horse walked into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"


Two wizards are traveling down a road and one of them turns in to a bar...

[jim.cox]

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a kangaroo walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Mikkel]

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a kangaroo walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Reminds me of a running gag some of my mates and I had going for a few years. When on the piss we'd start telling a "X, Y and Z walks into a bar..."-joke - then someone would interrupt saying "You're doing it wrong, it doesn't go like that it's "X, Y and Q"... of course there was no joke and it was all going nowhere. Surprisingly you could keep keen listeners frustrated for more than 15 mins before they gave up...