Aircraft logs

[Madmax]

From the web site of the
Institute of Scientfic and Technical Communicators

http://www.istc.org.uk


Whoops
Aircraft maintenance, 2001
Below are problems allegedly noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight, plus the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem Solution
Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Something loose in cockpit.
Something tightened in cockpit.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

DME volume unbelievably loud.
Volume set to more believable level.

Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on order.

Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Cannot reproduce problems on ground
.
IFF inoperative.
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they're there for.

Number three engine missing.
Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

Target Radar hums. Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

[Sniper]

Hehe, seen those before but nicely done

[bugjuice]

yeah, ditto.. but always love a laff..

I also remember a slanging match one heard over the radio. A small aircraft was waiting to taxi out and was given permission, then quickly revoked as a larger aircraft was making a bit of a hectic approach. The smaller aircraft voiced his disgust at the decision, but held all the same.
The large aircraft finally hit the deck and made some comment to the lighter aircraft about learning to fly a 'real' aircraft like his instead of the crappy little thing he was in, to which the guy in the smaller aircraft commented that all he needs is for him to make another landing like that, and he'd have enough parts to make another 'little' aircraft..

I've completely spoilt it, cos I can't remember exactly how it goes, but I could imagine it was funny at the time.. anyhoo, if anyone has it floating around, post it so I don't look a complete dick goin on about nothin...

[Biff]

Seen before, but brilliant none the less, and the one I had was apparently courtesy of Qantas.

[**R1**]

:killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme LMAO, have seen it b4, i think the one i saw had ........


mouse seen in cockpit.
Installed cat.

[MSTRS]

Yep (Qantas) Also included these

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

Suspected crack in windshield.
Suspect you're right.

Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Took hammer away from midget.

[SkOrM]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Wolf]

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

Wish we could do that.

Frequently we'll get emails along the lines of "Staff member has forgotten password" or "Please close staff member's account" with no further explanation (like the name or, better, login name) and it is always so tempting to email them back and just say "I have changed a staff member's password" just to see if they ring us back in panic to ask whose password was changed.

Bloody "Kiwi Host" course - ruins all our fun. Apparently we've got to be nice to the idiots and take time out of our day correcting their deficiencies.

[Waylander]

Been posted a long time ago but worth the reposting as it's still funny.:rofl:

[Firefight]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Yep, a good one, I guess you have seen this at some stage Marty ?

F/F

[Mooch]

On the subject of planes check out this landing video (No Crash)
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/planelands.html

[placidfemme]

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

LMAO

*gives the hammer back to the midget*

[Madmax]

have a look at this site
http://www.milk.com/wall-o-shame/
:devil2:

[Madmax]

check out
shameful treatises
conspiracy
:devil2:

[Blackadda]

Airline pilots

After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[zadok]

Welcome to K.B laddie. :ride:

[Firefight]

Airline pilots

After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


yep, been here before, but always good to see it again, nice one, and welocme to KB.

F/F

[Blackadda]

Thanks guys, first time looking at the site and I'm impressed. Thopught I'd start with a joke then see how she goes. Here's another one for you rviewing pleasure.



Men Are Just Happier People

But what else can you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[Wolf]

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Not quite true - you do if you want a shit and there are some urinals that you don't want to stand too close to even with boots on - you feel like standing at the door and aiming at the stall (after all, it looks like the last ten occupants did...)

Welcome to the KB gargre, Blackadda.

[feistyredhead]

Not quite true - you do if you want a shit and there are some urinals that you don't want to stand too close to even with boots on - you feel like standing at the door and aiming at the stall (after all, it looks like the last ten occupants did...)

Welcome to the KB gargre, Blackadda.

well at least you have a gun to aim :rofl: for us it is squatting i rather do it in the great outdoors behind a bush...which i have done oh a long bike trip..at least it does not smell like shite and looks even worst! :puke:

and welcome to this twisted little place where oddly enough i fit in :whistle:

[Wolf]

well at least you have a gun to aim :
The rural church held its annual picnic in a paddock of one of the nearby farms. Pretty soon a rather naive pretty-young-thing found herself cut short and had to take a rather long and uncomfortable walk across several paddocks to reach the village so she could use the toilet at the church hall.

On her way back to the picnic she encountered a young man from the picnic relieving himself on her side of one of the bushes (i.e. hidden from view of the other picnickers) and remarked "My, that's a handy thing to take to a picnic."

[Sniper]

Welcome mate and bloody brilliant

[Wenier]

Now these are some actual maintenance problems that have been put in the Flight log by pilots in the US air force. The problem is what a pilot wrote and the Solution is the response from an engineer.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't"
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable Level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 FPM (foot per min) descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Enigne found on right wing after brief search."

[nudemetalz]

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."
:doobey:

[N4CR]

Came across one last week...

"Crack in right spat."

"Yay" I think, probably won't be flying if the main 'rod' thing is cracked (the important one you land on...).

Turns out it's just the smallest part of the plastic fairing which is pretty useless in general.

Oh well... good to know though. :yawn:

[nudemetalz]

I love this one....
(apparently a true story)

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

:doh:

[Wenier]

I love this one....
(apparently a true story)

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

:doh:

I think youll find that that might be a bit of a tale as if there is any decent amount of maintenance being done then there'll be locks in that stop the gear retracting. Although there are cases where pilots have done that, there's a friendship aircraft here in blenheim that had its gear retracted while on the ground.

[Swoop]

Most useless things in aviation...
Air in the fuel tank,
Altitude above the wing,
Runway behind you...

And THE most dangerous thing... a pilot with a set of tools:nono:

WOOHOO! got rid of that damn L-plate!

[marty]

nothing wrong with a pilot with tools.....!!!! just as long as it's not SOME pilots i know :)

and yeah, the 3 A's of flying:

Altitude,
Airspeed, and
Altitude.

[Sniper]

I can fly anything.....

[R6_kid]

usually the landing gear shouldnt retract unless there is power, so on the ground you would either need the aircraft to be running or hooked up to an GPU.

I have pics of a skyhawk that had such a thing happen. Mechanic left the gear lever down after peforming checks (with power off), power gets hooked up and turned up, nose starts to drop and proceeds to smash the nose cone and that expensive radar thingy :blink:

[Swoop]

usually the landing gear shouldnt retract unless there is power, so on the ground you would either need the aircraft to be running or hooked up to an GPU.

I have pics of a skyhawk that had such a thing happen. Mechanic left the gear lever down after peforming checks (with power off), power gets hooked up and turned up, nose starts to drop and proceeds to smash the nose cone and that expensive radar thingy :blink:

There should also be a squat switch, which detects pressure on the undercarriage and prevents retraction.
Simple solution: "Gear down and welded":spudbn:

[Karma]

Wouldn't the sheer weight of a 757 stop the gear from retracting.

Consider the power of the undercarriage servos when compared to the friction caused by the tyres being pushed onto the ground by the weight of the plane.

[marty]

the retract actuator would overcome the weight of the aircraft - there's 3000psi on a 8" diameter piston! squat switches are not infallible (pulled CB maybe). the gear can retract manually if the maintennance lever is pulled (normally only can be extended manually in flight).

it's not that long ago that a very nice panther (chieftan) light twin retracted its nose gear whilst taxiing on the apron at auckland

personally - i woudn't be under an aeroplane while someone was playing with the undercarriage lever on the ground. murphy's law prevails

[R6_kid]

yeh, i've seen the C-130 up on stilts in the hangar at whenuapai when they were trying to sort out a fault in the undercarriage, was a bit wierd to see it from 100m away with the landing gear going up and the plane not dropping to the ground. I didnt see the stilts till i got right up to the hangar!

[marty]

i've got some pix of a 747 in the hangar with the gear tucked away - an awesome sight to see 200 tonnes sitting on 3 jacks. one test we had to do was an emergency retract - as the gear comes down about 1/2 way, it is selected back up - the wings bend, it all creaks and groans, and the gear bounces wildy! scary stuff.

F/F has seen how much damage an improperly secured body gear on a 747 can do to someone who gets in the way when it retracts when it wasn't supposed to.....

[WRT]

Can do do?

I bet he bloody do do-ed himself . . .

[bane]

usually the landing gear shouldnt retract unless there is power, so on the ground you would either need the aircraft to be running or hooked up to an GPU.

so technical! GPU... gonad perusal unit???


nose starts to drop and proceeds to smash the nose cone and that expensive radar thingy :blink:

umm... what happened here...

*I knoe nothink*

[nudemetalz]

" The Airbus was preparing for a test flight from the Thai Airways International maintenance area at BKK.
The MD11 was doing an engine run. The only people in the cockpit ofthe MD11 were maintenance engineers. About five of them.
They had the wheels chocked and the brakes on. They ran all three enginesat full power as part of their engine run!!!
None of them noticed the aircraft, with brakes on and wheels chocked,sliding across the tarmac - leaving heavy skid marks - which were visiblefor months after!! Suddenly the cockpit went dark and they looked up.
The wing of the Airbus rode over the top of the MD11 cockpit, whereit split and spilt several tonnes of fuel into the interior of the MD11.
The Airbus was so severely damaged that it didn’t fly again. It wassold as scrap.
The MD11 was repaired over quite some months by McDonnell-Douglas."

[SARGE]

my job in the Service required that we flew quite often in VietNam era helo's ( Huey and such.. this was the early 80's before the Blackhawks really came about in general useage..)

taking off from the deck of an aircraft carrier one beautiful day.. we heard a loud *CLUNK*..


looking outside .. we noticed that the LANDING SKIDS had fallen off the bird and ended up in the ocean due to an airframe engineer who had failed to tighen them back on correctly after some repairs to the undercarriage..

now if you are familliar with the physics of rotary winged aircraft.. you will no doubt realize that if you put this particular beast down without the skids attatched, you will flip said beast and throw wildly spinning bits of shattered blades frikkin everywhere ..


add to this .. the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier in open water and 6 fully equipped US Marines..

we hovered for about 20 minutes while the mechanics tried to reattach a set of skids to the Huey while the carrier bobbed and weaved under them and the blades of doom whirred above them..



damn that water was cold..:doh:

[nudemetalz]

my job in the Service required that we flew quite often in VietNam era helo's ( Huey and such.. this was the early 80's before the Blackhawks really came about in general useage..)

taking off from the deck of an aircraft carrier one beautiful day.. we heard a loud *CLUNK*..


looking outside .. we noticed that the LANDING SKIDS had fallen off the bird and ended up in the ocean due to an airframe engineer who had failed to tighen them back on correctly after some repairs to the undercarriage..

now if you are familliar with the physics of rotary winged aircraft.. you will no doubt realize that if you put this particular beast down without the skids attatched, you will flip said beast and throw wildly spinning bits of shattered blades frikkin everywhere ..


add to this .. the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier in open water and 6 fully equipped US Marines..

we hovered for about 20 minutes while the mechanics tried to reattach a set of skids to the Huey while the carrier bobbed and weaved under them and the blades of doom whirred above them..



damn that water was cold..:doh:

Reminds me of that MPEG I have of a Marine Corp CH-46 approaching a deck of a ship. The undercart gets caught up in the fence and over it goes into the drink.
I'll see if I can find a link to it.

[R6_kid]

so technical! GPU... gonad perusal unit???



umm... what happened here...

*I knoe nothink*


GPU - ground power unit.

with the skyhawk, the power comes on, hydraulic pumps go into action and the landing gear started to retract.

[vifferman]

Sorry - Repost.

[Spazman727]

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



I thought IFF meant identify friend or foe? Why does Qantas need that on their missiles? Why do they need missiles at all?

[Swoop]

I thought IFF meant identify friend or foe? Why does Qantas need that on their missiles? Why do they need missiles at all?
That is what happens when some dickwad takes a email and puts a new title at the top. Changing "Air Force" to "qantas" probably looked like a good idea at the time.

btw. Qantas doesn't have missiles.

[pzkpfw]

btw. Qantas doesn't have missiles.

Doesn't that go in the "if you know what I mean" thread?

[burden2]

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you."

We received a fault report from the pilot of an HH-60 Pave Hawk (combat search and rescue helicopter). The pilot's fault report stated, "Pilot's side seat cushion will not cushion." The engineer's corrective action on the reply form stated "Put pilot on fat boy program..."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."