Gremlin's Tall Stories

I know, an unusual blog for a biker (especially one with only a L plate for cars), but it involves other bikers, so why not?

So the reason for needing to get south after the Learner Ride to Cape Reinga was Wanpo’s birthday celebration. He’d invited a bunch of his mates for a bit of karting, and despite being slightly worried (those who have been on KB for a while will know bikers and karting are an interesting mix) who really cares? It’s not like I own those karts (in hindsight, this is probably why biking groups have been thrown out before).

People were supposed to arrive at 5.45pm, so I had plenty of time up my sleeves after coming straight south from the ride and arriving at 5.15pm. I turned the BMW into a lazy boy by lying on the seat facing backwards with feet out the back. It was actually rather comfy. Sly_guy and Wanpo found me like this, along with LankyBastard and EnglishKiwi (explains why they left the ride early).

Toto turned up, almost late, no surprises there, but organising people into groups of 2 or 3 took some time, and being highly organised, it turned out at the end most had organised themselves into groups already, while Toto, Sly_guy and I had been talking shit. We quickly arranged to be a group of 3, calling ourselves Team Fat Bastards, as we averaged 100kg. A safety briefing about not being allowed to kill others was given, we couldn’t shunt people out the way either. The other two had already done karting so I was the newbie and took the practise laps to get the hang of 4 wheeled contraptions.

The only karting I’ve done so far was Rainbows End around a decade ago and it was a total snore fest, foot flat the entire way around the basic circuit. These were ever so slightly different, as I quickly found out. The first problem however, was getting into the cart. 6’3, 100kg, plus cordura bike pants, I wasn’t some little doll. The first attempt resulted in sitting slightly sideways in the seat, stuck. Obviously it wasn’t going to work, so I was moved to a larger cart. It wasn’t ideal but I could sit straight, and the others were about as big anyway.

I was first on the track so had some room to learn, and by crikey, these things could corner. You needed a death grip on the tiny steering wheel because they could corner as hard as you could. If someone has rolled these, I’m not quite sure what you were doing, because while I felt like I was falling out the kart on the outside, it kept cornering if I kept yanking on the wheel. Vision blurring slightly from the lack of suspension, the biggest trick was to keep momentum without stepping the kart sideways, which was tricky with sections of smooth concrete. I did manage to learn I could keep my foot flat down the home straight, through a 90 degree right and around a long curve onto a second level.

With hands shaking from the massive rush of adrenaline (while motorcycling is fun, you’re not going nearly as close to the limits, and it’s about smooth progress) I was probably grinning like an idiot as we were pulled into the pits to start the 90 lap Bathurst race, as the guys called it. We would change every 15 laps, so everyone had two stints.

In a massive injustice, the practise laps didn’t count towards grid positions (I thought I was pretty quick), so being the last numbered team (9) we were grid number… 9, aka dead last. With all the karts supposedly the same there wasn’t a lot of room to pass if you were pushing the limit, so I knew I had my work cut out for me. Wanpo is right in front of me so I give him the eye motion. He was taking it far too seriously, with bike gloves and helmet instead of the provided pudding bowls I knew wouldn’t protect me if I sneezed.

Still, the light bastard needed all the weight penalty he unknowingly added, so it didn’t concern me. The flag dropped, and we were off. Whoever was in 8th became dead last as I had them before the first turn using the inside line. The first few laps were a blur as I used every bit of track anyone didn’t take to try and get ahead. Braking too early when in front of me was a bit of a no-no, accidentally sliding up and tapping a few under brakes, with all the wheels locked. I’d made up a few places before putting the cart into a wall going too wide on a corner, and the damn thing didn’t have reverse. I lost two places before managing to get the kart off the wall with lots of throttle and putting the wheels at full lock.

This worked out OK, when on the same corner 2 laps later I’ve got two dicing in front of me and on the very same corner they collide, putting them both into the wall and I managed to just avoid it. One of the funniest moments for me was shoving it up the inside of one of the others, leaving him no choice but to run wide. While I was basking in this glory, he re-paid the favour a couple of corners later. Curses. Yanking the carts around the tight turns usually induced a slide, which lost momentum, but I’m sure weighing a bit more didn’t help as other karts would pull away out of corners.

By the end of 15 laps I’d got our team up to 3rd, but our fastest lap times were a bit slower than those behind. I’d managed a high 1.23, Toto managed a low 1.23 and Sly_guy got us into the high 1.22. Over the course of the race we lost two positions and ended up in 5th. Funniest moment of the day for me was watching a chick pull into the pits to swap to another chick. She franticly gets in, grabs the seat belt, clicks it, and before pulling away, carefully looks over her shoulder to check traffic is clear and pulls out. I simply put my foot flat as soon as the belt was clicked.

The only problem with that I learnt was that big feet were not desirable, as I could hit the bar at the front of the kart with my boot, before the pedal was actually flat, so had to constantly adjust my foot. It also didn’t help getting out of the kart, as I stepped on the throttle cable once, resulting in it edging forward while I’m trying to get out, even with Sly_guy desperately holding the kart back.

In the end, we were 5th, so from 9th not a bad effort. Only Wanpo ahead, starting in 7th had managed to jump up the rankings better, ending up in 1st, after a two person team effort. We obviously let the birthday boy win. That, and his stupidly serious driver switch process which was quite quick.

I was starving at the end of it, and dealing with levels of adrenaline I don’t usually get, Wanpo was off to Momotea with some others, but I was exhausted, and wanted home, food, bed. Toto and Sly_guy were much the same, after doing the Cycletreads Learner Ride during the day.

The BMW was a really nice change from the kart, with a nice smooth ride home on proper suspension arriving at 8.15pm. I staggered inside, unloaded most of my gear and did nothing much for the evening.

Toto needs to provide some of the video he filmed throughout the evening.