Selected ponderings from my life

23/5 -08

Please note: I would love comments on my fiction writing. Anything will do.

My 21'st

As I was watching his coffin being lowered down in to the grave, the raindrops were gathering on the lid. First they were individual small beauty spots, but as more and more fell; they started to cover the flat areas and then began to dribble down the sides like they were trying to pull the wooden box down. But it was all good, where he was going he would need all the cooling he could get.

Even in his death he ignored me. It was my 21’st and he had to take the centre stage. But it did not really make a fucken difference. Nobody had expected me to live to 21 so there was no party planned. It was not something worth celebrating.

That I was still alive was not as a result of me not trying. And I might still make it, I was born at 10.32pm and it was only 11am. I turned around and started to make my way past the crowd. Eyes were focusing on me, but I did not really give a shit. It had been a mistake to come here. The story of my life. It was all a big fucken mistake. He had made sure I knew that, and he had taken great pleasure in telling me so whenever he had the chance. I had found out early that I had not been wanted. That I was the result of a drunken fuck in the backseat of a car.

But I had wanted to come. To see him dead, buried, gone. It was supposed to give me closure. Yeah right.

My fix had started to wear off and I knew I soon would have to find the next one. Before I started shaking and sweating. Before I became even more of an asshole.

As I walked between the graves I was reading the names. They had all meant something to someone. Enough to be given a stone with their name on. Lucky bastards.

I stopped. ‘Steven “Wonderboy” O’Dowd, gone but not forgotten, 21 05 2006’ it said. So this is where you went. ‘Missed by dad, mum, John and Ellie’. Right. What a crock of shit. They kicked him out. And now they fucken miss him.

I could see her again. She was trying to hide behind a tree. But I had a long time ago given up trying to catch her. She could not be caught. She always knew where I was and stayed a distance away. “Fuck off you bitch” I screamed to her. But as I was the only one that could see her it did not help. “You can fuck off too,” I said to the ones at the graveyard looking at me.

Shit, I really needed that fix. But I had no money. And I did owe my dealer too much for him to give any more without cash. So there was only one thing to do. There is always a way if you are desperate.

I stood at the corner, waiting. Normally it did not take long, and soon a car stopped. Brilliant, the bank was open. He was fat, had stubble and needed to be put out of his misery. But that would have to wait. I walked up to the side window. “Hi, you looking for some action?” I asked. What was he supposed to say? “No, I was hoping you would wash my windscreen…”

He smiled a toothless smile and I opened the door and jumped in. “Drive around the next corner” I ordered. As we did just that I said, “Now drive behind that warehouse.” He followed my instructions and parked out of sight.
“40 dollars hand, 80 dollars face, I don’t do others” I stated. He counted out four 20 dollar notes and opened his zip.

I pulled down his boxers with pictures of Spongebob on them and found his cock. It was an ugly fat thing that smelled like old cheddar. Just my fucken luck! But I needed that fix and soon.

As he dropped me off where he found me I used 3 dollars on a coke to get rid of the salty taste in my mouth. Two more and I be all set.

It was 3pm when I found Frank. Shit, how do you get away with looking like that and not being put in jail for it? He had a grey Stetson, cowboy boots and a brown leather jacket with tassels. With his grey goatee and long hair the only things missing were a six shooter and a horse. What a dork. But I needed him. Much more then he needed me.

I swapped my dollars for a small plastic bag with a little amount of white powder in. Enough to take me away. To where I was free from all this shit.

As I hurried to the basement I could again see her. She was in front of me. But I did not care, she was not real, but the smack was.

The spoon was black from being heated over a candle too many times. But once more would not hurt. As the powder was melting I added some saliva to make it more fluid, I then sucked it up in the syringe. There was enough to give me wings. To make me fly. And as long as they had not mixed in too much washing powder I might still make it. It should really be my time, I had no friends left.

I slapped my arm and searched for a vein, but it was getting harder and harder to find one that had not collapsed. I put the needle against my skin and pushed. It was not an easy job as the sharpness had gone long time ago. But I did not care about the sudden push when my skin at last gave up the struggle or the bleeding.

As soon as the needle hit my vein I pumped the fluid in. Almost straight away I felt better. My wings were growing and she was coming closer. I could see that she already had her wings out. As my reality started to change and I felt the calmness settle I was hoping that maybe this was the time. I could lie next to Wonderboy one last time. Perhaps I was to get a stone with my name on, at last be someone who mattered...