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Thread: Ugly man walks into a bar...

  1. #1
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    Ugly man walks into a bar...

    An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
    "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

    "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
    "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I
    noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of
    course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to
    cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all
    over the house. We did everything... me on top, sometimes her on top!"

    "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

    "Dunno... never found the head!"
    ==========================================
    Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupid

    SARGE
    represented by GCM

  2. #2
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    Very sad......... have you heard this one?


    There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

    The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

    "Why you gonna wear dem fo ?" the other two asked.

    The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm

    out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

    The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant range panties."

    "Why you gonna wear dem ?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down And I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

    The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."

    "What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

    "Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, " the third lady said,

    "cause if dis plane go down, honey, dey always looks for da black box fust."
    BlackAdda

  3. #3
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    You two are just sick... Good job

    Sever
    Now and forever
    you're just another lost soul about to be mine again
    see her, you'll never free her
    you must surrender it all
    And give life to me again
    Disturbed - Inside the Fire


  4. #4
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    lmao they are both good!!!
    I'm not a complete idiot... some pieces are missing

    Quote Originally Posted by DingDong
    "Hi... I rang about the cats you have for sale..."..... "oh... you have children.... how much for the children?"

    mucho papoosa bueno no panocha

  5. #5
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    Heard them both
    Quote Originally Posted by Dean View Post
    Ok im coming out of my closet just this one time , I too kinda have a curvy figure which makes it worse beacuse im a guy. Well the waist kinda goes in and the bum pushes out. When I was in college the girls in my year would slap me on the arse and squeeze because apparently it is firm, tight... I wear jeans
    .....if I find this as a signature Ill hunt you down, serious, capice?

  6. #6
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    Three sassy southern black girls are talkin' about their boyfriends.

    First says "Ah call mah man, Big Dick, coz he's got a big dick.

    Second says "So what, ah call mah man Long John, coz he's got a long "john"."

    Third says "Ah call mah man Corvoisier."

    First says "Corvoisier? Ain't that some kind of fancy liquor?"

    Says the third with a grin "That's right!"
    Motorbike Camping for the win!

  7. #7
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    Oh hells bells
    To every man upon this earth
    Death cometh sooner or late
    And how can a man die better
    Than facing fearful odds
    For the ashes of his fathers
    And the temples of his Gods

  8. #8
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    Oh my God.... possible the worst joke thread in history! Bad taste... Bad punchlines...
    Mad me snigger tho
    At the rise of the hand by Policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by or otherwise disrespect him.

  9. #9
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    and now down to another level........

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
    collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the Bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger Out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."


    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"






    (you're gonna love this)





    (its a real treat)





    (a masterpiece)





    (wait for it)





    The bank manager looks back at her and says...











    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

    His old man's a Rolling Stone."



    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
    BlackAdda

  10. #10
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    Biker jokes- soz if repost

    An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head."

    A Biker went into his corner coffee shop for his morning cuppa. He liked the coffee, and the food was good & cheap. One thing though, the waitress was a surly type who didn't like Bikers much. This morning, business was slow, and the waitress (looking particularly grumpy) was keeping busy brooming the floor. He walked up to her and said, "Look on the bright side luv, when you finish work you'll be able to ride it home".

    A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

    Biker sitting in a pub, quietly nursing his pint, when the door opens and in walks a lady of easily negotiable affection. She sits at the bar next to our hero and says in a husky voice, “Hey big boy, have you ever had a thrill?”“Yeah,” replies the sledder, “I was out on my bike and was rippin’ down some country lanes; the sun was shinin’, the little birds wuz tweetin’, the bike was runnin’ sweet and everythin’ was cool.”“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a real thrill?” she asks again.“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over into some really tight bends and the footpegs were scraping out wiv sparks flying behind me!”Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple for him.“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt a cunt?”“Yeah,” he sez. “I fell off.”
    We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
    Running over the same old ground.
    What have you found? The same old fears.
    Wish you were here. QWQ

  11. #11
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    Damsel in distress

    An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
    "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
    "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
    We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
    "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
    "Dunno...Never found the head."
    Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will fix it. You don't need to keep reminding him every 6 months

  12. #12
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    An oldy but always a goodie.....lol
    Quote Originally Posted by peasea View Post
    It could be argued that to put anyone on a ZX10 is "just stupid".



    CNC Machining,Precision Engineering,Thermal Coatings/Metalization,
    Msg me....

  13. #13
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    Yuck

    This wasn't the railway by Tuakau by any chance was it?
    Cheers

    Merv

  14. #14
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    Musicians

    A drummer walked into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

    "What are you so happy about?" asked the bartender.

    "I'll tell you," answered the drummer. "You know, I live by the railway
    line. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to
    the tracks - like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free
    and took her back to my place."

    "Anyway," he continued "to make a long story short, I scored big time!
    We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on
    top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

    "Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

    "Dunno" the drummer replied, "never found the head".

    Jesus was nailed up to some wood, two thousand years later and book sales are still good

  15. #15
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    Very funny!

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