20yo, single mum.

[Dave Lobster]

WINZ is the place to go, If you have a serious problem they'll help you out.

Only if you're brown, surely?

[peasea]

Ah I see where you are going with this. But your teacher got a fraction muddled up. Yes, this IS a rubber. But not the type that can erase mistakes sorry.

I think perhaps an 'eraser' could be more helpful. It's just figuring out where to use it that's the hard part. The father perhaps?

[FROSTY:Me]

I can see your hearts in the right place so please don't take this as an insult.
Does this lady actually WANT to help herself??
Before going to a heck of a lot of effort you really need to establish this fact.
Some people say stuff not because they want the situation "fixed" but just to vent.
Yea the younger family is a pain -but maybee thats a right now situation not actually all the time.

[jrandom]

I can see your hearts in the right place so please don't take this as an insult.
Does this lady actually WANT to help herself??

Good point, Frosty.

All I see here (correct me if I'm missing something important) is some loser chick and some poor cunt-struck dude chasing around after her.

Drop her like a hot potato and go find yourself a decent woman, Winter. Problem solved. There are decent women out there. You don't have to settle for this shit; her problems aren't yours.

[Motu]

Does anyone ever not want to help themselves out of a bad situation? Does anyone ever not want to help someone else out of a bad situation?

Sorry for not being a tough guy...I'm only human,or try to be....

[CookMySock]

Does anyone ever not want to help themselves out of a bad situation?

It's human nature to act out what we believe - we all do it. In the process of this, we end up with the things we project. It's a circular loop that's hard to break out of, unless we discover that its simply never going to work, so then we change, but not until.

Does anyone ever not want to help someone else out of a bad situation?

Yeah well its tough watching people go down the toilet, but if thats where they think they are headed there's probably little anyone can do about it. It's worse when they take you with them and tell you it's all your fault, and theres not much you can do about that either, except choose another partner elsewhere who is just going to do the same thing again.

I don't want to help people any more. Because I can't. If they want to go to hell in a handcart, then its not my heart attack. Different story for those so-enlightened who can discuss and make progress, even if some of the progress is mine.

Steve

[XxKiTtiExX]

Other than the people who have posted rather nasty comments (people tend to forget that sometimes babies are planned yet the father runs away anyway and no I'm not "male bashing" its just a sad fact like the fact some mothers dump their babies on aeroplanes). I think there has been more than a few here who have actually bothered to post some decent information to try to help with the situation. She's obviously stuck in a rut, we all get there sometimes (so don't sit there and judge her) and sadly some take a little longer than others to clamber back out again. All you can do is continue to support her as best as you can. Remind her that yes it is a hard road ahead but there isn't just herself to think about anymore. Once she finds the right headspace she'll do just as greater job playing parent on her own as any couple could together.

[RantyDave]

A couple of things (for her) to do...

This is all absolutely spot on. Aparrently I have to spread rep around etc...

A friend for a couple of years was a woman in much the same situation ... thirty something with twin five year old boys. On the DPB, clearly, and with the whole useless ex thing but with some small (regular) under the table payments he'd withhold whenever they argued about something. Two things always struck me about her situation: one was how much money she actually had; and the other was how bad she was at managing it. Point is that the DPB is actually quite enough to pull yourself back together with if you cut out booze, smokes (both kinds), cellphones and sky TV (yes, seriously).

But she got her shit very much together. Before the boys went to school she took on "in home" nannying work for, well, some rich people's kid. Once that was all over she got serious about asking her mum to help out by getting the kids from school every day, then got a job. Went back to the industry she was in before having kids. So, yeah, go the Whanau route and don't be shy because they want to see you (one) get it back together.

Dave

[jrandom]

The lack of cynicism in this thread is both heartwarming and depressing.

I still think that the real issue here is the fact that Winter obviously lacks the self-confidence to find a less bottom-shelf girlfriend.

Perhaps hitting the gym for a few months would be the ticket?

[FROSTY:Me]

Does anyone ever not want to help themselves out of a bad situation? Does anyone ever not want to help someone else out of a bad situation?

Mate sorry I think you miss the point I was making.The lady concerned might very well be wanting help but she may also simply have been venting

[Dave Lobster]

Does anyone ever not want to help themselves out of a bad situation?

Oh fuck yes. Heaps of them. That's why so many shit hole houses have sky TV, a car on finance, the $1000 phone that's cut off because they didn't pay the bill, etc.
I saw a few of them on the propaganda box the other night whining that John Key thinks it's a good idea to improve the state of the country, rather than give them a $12 a week tax reduction.

[alley cat]

Other than the people who have posted rather nasty comments (people tend to forget that sometimes babies are planned yet the father runs away anyway and no I'm not "male bashing" its just a sad fact like the fact some mothers dump their babies on aeroplanes). I think there has been more than a few here who have actually bothered to post some decent information to try to help with the situation. She's obviously stuck in a rut, we all get there sometimes (so don't sit there and judge her) and sadly some take a little longer than others to clamber back out again. All you can do is continue to support her as best as you can. Remind her that yes it is a hard road ahead but there isn't just herself to think about anymore. Once she finds the right headspace she'll do just as greater job playing parent on her own as any couple could together.

Bless you chook. A bit of support and encouragement gets most people back on track in the end.

[scumdog]

I saw a few of them on the propaganda box the other night whining that John Key thinks it's a good idea to improve the state of the country, rather than give them a $12 a week tax reduction.

Cos it's all about me, me, ME!

[Winter]

Right, sorry Its taken me a few days to read all of these and reply.. Here goes.. :

If she is on DPB and has a child to take care off and (I assume) no money, then moving to Invercargill might not be the best option. The travel down will cost money, she will need a home (currently living at mum's place), furniture, power, phone, food and list goes on.

Try to find a state house for her. Or a live in situation where she can live with her child in exchange for house work.

Does she have any education? If not but she is keen to not stagnate then there are courses specially for young single mums that will help her with childcare, making decisions and get ahead.

Take her to Citizens advice where she can get help with budgeting and ideas what to do re her situation.

She would have a socialworker at WINZ. If she is lucky it is a good one, if not then she needs to learn what there is on offer:
- Food grants (normally $150 each time but only up to $1,5K/year)
- Emergency dental care subsidies
- Clothing allowances
- Interest free loan up to $1.5K for repairs of car, getting furniture etc.
- Allowances to help with job finding
And more.

But it comes down to one thing: It will only work if she wants to help her self.

Right, good points in here. Have talked her out of moving out of town. Family support (even extended family) are key here.
Shes doing a couple days a week at a course, should take her 5 years or so to get there. Hopefully she can increase her hours on this as bubs gets older.

I would defiantly be interested in hearing more about these courses for mums on decision making? That would be pretty useful for her.

Ah yeah I kinda have to agree here. If you really DO want to help her, you (and her) will be better served if you let her hit rock bottom and grit her teeth and choose a new direction. Sometimes the more you rescue people, the more they need to be rescued, and folks that act this out will never get anywhere.

I like the course idea. Seriously, she needs professional assistance, and doing her favours does her no favours.

Sorry, but life IS a bitch for victims, until they decide that they're not victims anymore.

Steve

Yeah, you are not the first person to mention something like that to me. I do understand that if people keep picking you up, eventually you forget how to stand on your own. I'm not trying to do everything /anything for her.. I just want to be armed with information so I can assit her making better decisions.

A couple of things (for her) to do...

2) Get her chin up - have her dream a little about where she wants to be in 5 years. Baby will be at school by then, she'll be able to do stuff during the day - working probably.

What does she want to do - start looking at slowly retraining for that now (I know - it's a hard lot right now... and more work appeals about as much as a poke in the eye... so start with the dreams!)

3) Do what you can personally - babysit one night a fortnight maybe. Give her that break so she can plan a social life and stay alive in herself...

4) Get out of any situation where she's locked in with useless shites. A solo mum is one hell of a big job... without additional family crap going on right in her face the whole time

This ain't a no hope situation... but it is hard work. Deal with what's on the plate now (family, baby, benefit entitlements), make sure she keeps a social life of her own, but look to the future too. It's going to make a huge difference if she starts planning now... and working towards something.

It's NOT the end of her life. But it is a time for hard work (and she knows it ... ). Get her some inspiration and some dreams... and work slowly toward them.

Very helpful, thanks :-) I think thats really the best way I can help her... Chin up and looking at the big picture.

I went with her and got her stuff out of home, shes now staying with other family so at least for the time, the additional family crap has now been toned down to a manageable level.

Something else I thought of...

Plunket Coffee groups. The age is new born usually till daycare) Bound to be a few up there. If the age is older, grab a Treasures mag to find a group, or join Treasures.co.nz.

Coffee Groups might sound a bit Fuddy Duddy to a 20 year Old, but I joined one with my first born, was on my local Plunket committee for a year..out of sheer boredom, but..

I made lasting friends, and it was good to share a whinge about crappy nappies, sleep deprivation, teething etc, ...and find it was all completely normal...(we still swap "are my kids normal" stories) you also found some were in a better position, or worse than others.

If she has a newborn (sorry I did not note the age) - You may even find she has postnatal depression, which is more common than not.

And probably a culture shock for a twenty year old, when all your buddies are partying on, and you are NOT.

She is really quite lucky she lives at home, some young parents are doin it hard, on their own bills wise AND support wise. I know many Ladies who have gone through it!

More good info, one I hope she will take up.. Lonelyness is a bitch, I think coffee with likeminded mums will be a good thing

Good point, Frosty.

All I see here (correct me if I'm missing something important) is some loser chick and some poor cunt-struck dude chasing around after her.

Drop her like a hot potato and go find yourself a decent woman, Winter. Problem solved. There are decent women out there. You don't have to settle for this shit; her problems aren't yours.

The lack of cynicism in this thread is both heartwarming and depressing.

I still think that the real issue here is the fact that Winter obviously lacks the self-confidence to find a less bottom-shelf girlfriend.

Perhaps hitting the gym for a few months would be the ticket?

Haha, thanks Mr Random, I have a top-shelf missus I live with. She thinks that I'm such a nice person for looking out for this girl that she finds me that much more attractive, and we express that with some loud, violent, protected sex.

[skidMark]

I know a girl of same age in same situation, winz helped her out with a state house in glen innes...

87 pw plus bills... and thats a 3 bedroom house on its own section.... with garage, and she is also permitted borders to help cover some rent...

worth looking into i would imagine.