So many jokes, so many threads. Add yours to this one...

[MSTRS:Me]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."

[Stirts]

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[cambridgedan]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"





Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

[98tls]

Mrs was hinting about what she wanted for her 40th birthday present "i want something that goes from zero to 200 in a couple of seconds" i bought her bathroom scales.

[smokeyging]

Irish Petrol Station‏

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
.................................................. .........................................
Nun at Hooters‏

A nun, badly needing to use to the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the
place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the
room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of
a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the
bartender showed the nun to the rest-room. After a few minutes she came
back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.



She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"

"Well now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a
drink?"


"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.


"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is
lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
.................................................. ..........................
Cheeky Parrot‏

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bit*h," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "dam*it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry as* I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
.................................................. ...............................
An 80 year old lady was dragging 2 plastic bags along the street.
One has developed a split and from this slips a $20 note onto the footpath occasionally.
A passing cop notices this and pulls his car over to tell the lady she’s losing her money.
She thanks him then turns to go back and retrieve her money.
The cop asks how she’s come to be dragging the bags and its not stolen is it?
She explains: ‘My section backs onto Eden Park and when there’s a sports game the
blokes are all drunk and always some will pee in my bushes.
I go down and when they flop out there ‘old feller’ I shove my hedge cutters through the
bush and say ‘$20 or off it comes!’.
The cop laughs and thinks it’s a great joke.
Then he asks, ‘what’s in the other bag?’
She says, ‘Well, not all of them pay $20

[Edbear]

Mrs was hinting about what she wanted for her 40th birthday present "i want something that goes from zero to 200 in a couple of seconds" i bought her bathroom scales.

How long before the bump on your head went down...?

[Stirts]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, when a flasher came by.......

Two of them had a stroke.....

The other one couldn't reach.

[Stirts]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Edbear]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.'