Dear Staff

**stig** · 5th June 2009, 08:43

Dear Staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

**DIN PELENDA** · 5th June 2009, 09:13

That is so funny

just what I need, as just yesterday got call from work and was told to take annual leave for next 2 weeks, after that I got no more leave and I'm not sure do I have job. It is depressing when it is hard to found another job this days and I got 5 kids to feed.
I'm going to do printout of this and share it at work, if I still got one.
Thanks

Din

**rosie631** · 5th June 2009, 09:30

Originally Posted by DIN PELENDA

That is so funny

just what I need, as just yesterday got call from work and was told to take annual leave for next 2 weeks, after that I got no more leave and I'm not sure do I have job. It is depressing when it is hard to found another job this days and I got 5 kids to feed.
I'm going to do printout of this and share it at work, if I still got one.
Thanks

Din

Sorry to hear that mate. Good luck.

**Mom** · 14th June 2009, 17:59

Some of you may have seen this already but I thought it was worth posting anyway.

Dear People of New Zealand,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

John Key
Prime Minister

**pete376403** · 14th June 2009, 18:08

Jeeze but that is so old - it was going round when Muldoon was PM. The difference back the was the medium was increasingly grainy photocopies, not the internet.

**Mom** · 14th June 2009, 18:09

Originally Posted by pete376403

Jeeze but that is so old - it was going round when Muldoon was PM. The difference back the was the medium was increasingly grainy photocopies, not the internet.

well excuse me for posting

**Gremlin** · 14th June 2009, 18:11

Originally Posted by Mom

well excuse me for posting

too bloody right... I wasted about half a minute checking I had already read it... dammit... now I am wasting more time

So err... Maha actually let you out.... err... kitchen... posting... I better not continue...

**Mom** · 14th June 2009, 18:13

Originally Posted by Gremlin

too bloody right... I wasted about half a minute checking I had already read it... dammit... now I am wasting more time So err... Maha actually let you out.... err... kitchen... posting... I better not continue...

Hmmmmm, I can hear this song playing in my head at the moment, give me a moment while I find it for you