Good Jokes

[crazyhorse]

THE COWBOY

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I'm a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[portokiwi]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to

Fart.The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and

Noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[NDORFN]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[crazyhorse]

I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said
'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

[NDORFN]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[crazyhorse]

Did You Know :

That the words 'race car' spelled backward says 'race car'?

That 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense 'ate'?

And:

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

[NDORFN]

Did You Know :

That the words 'race car' spelled backward says 'race car'?

That 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense 'ate'?

And:

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

"Weird" isn't exactly the word I'd use.

[crazyhorse]

I thought I would sign my dog up for the benefit. He should be eligible because he's black, lazy and has no fucking idea who his father is.

[Southern man]

Cannibal standing in the destert next to a pile of shit. Balling his eyes out. Mate come along and says "what you crying for" "I just dumped my girlfriend"

[crazyhorse]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....

[one fast tl1ooo]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney
Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
The word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
Been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
Way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called d on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunty Ann has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
Are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[one fast tl1ooo]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" , he asked , "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet , " she replied.