Irish Jokes

[Suney]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in

and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he
brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over The mortician rolled him over
and
Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked,"How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"


************************************************** ********

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is
illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is
just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You
can
not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have
five
people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The
Englishmen
Replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak
to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy,
"Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

************************************************** ********

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A
voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge
continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to
death
with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of
the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts

from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

[Goblin]

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. After two hours of sex one says "I wonder how the girls are getting on...?"

[Wolf]

Two irishmen are out of work and they go down to the job market. There's a sign on the board: "Tree fellers wanted."

Paddy said "Aint dat just our luck, Murphy. Here dey are wantin' tree fellers an' dere's just the two of us..."

[Brownbikerbabe]

Cooter and Gomer.



Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley ..'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[CookMySock]

LOL 10chars

[icekiwi]

Honi died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.


The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Rangi and Whetu.


The three men had always done everything together...

Rangi arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Rangi said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Rangi said, 'Nope, ain't Honi .'


The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Whetu in to confirm the identity of the body.

Whetu looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Whetu said, 'No, it ain't Honi '


The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Whetu said, 'Well, Honi had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:


'There's Honi with them two assholes.'

[Burtha]

tis good, me liked

[YellowDog]

'Ditto' again.