BAILIFF: "Will the defendant please rise?"

JUDGE: "Have you anything to say in your own defence for this apalling piece of behaviour?"

AD345: "It's like this y'honour... It was a raining Sunday and I finally sucumbed to the pressure to clean the bike. I'd stalled and procrastinated for as long as possible, putting off buying the necessaries, going down to the shop to get them and then just keeping going, but it all finally caught up with me.

So I headed out to the garage mentally ready to clean. Wadded Metal Polish - check. 3 Step paint cleaning system - check. Assorted clean rags and cloths - check. Smokes, chair, sound - check, check, check.

I started off cleaning all the metal and I began to understand the genesis of the chopper and bobber. Windshield - that's go to go, lower leg wind deflectors - PITA, chrome thingy on the front of the guard - bin it, chrome mirrors - too bloody big, giant enormous fake chrome indicators - gawd throw them away, exhaust - way too damn long (make note to look into one of those short wrapped things), foot boards - what the hell was I thinking?? Pegs are all a man needs. Saddle bags - oh my god they have got to go. Passenger foot boards - arrrgh!!. A few bruised knuckles, 3 smokes and a good pile of wadding later I was done and yeah there is a bit of a pay-off when the chrome comes up to a mirror finish.

Now to start on the paint work. Step 1 Pre-wax cleaner. Nice new bottle, bloody stuff won't come out!!. Of all the stupid goddamn foreign @#$#!! - oh...it's got a seal that you have to peel off first after unscrewing the cap *mumblemumble* carefully go over every inch rubbing in the circular motion Fuggin Karate Kid can bite my arse... Then back over every inch again wiping off the haze.

Repeat whole saga for Step 2 - Seal and Glaze. I'm onto it about the seal this time! No flies on this boy. Get that all done, every square inch gone over twice more. Back is starting to throb and I'm gonna need another pack of smokes. I hate those godblasted saddle bags with a passion that would ignite steel...

Step 3 - Pure carnuba wax. Give me strength.... It's a tesT of pure endurance now, the outside world is closed to me and theres just an endless tunnel vision of midnight cherry surfaces ...

Finally get through that and get stuck into the leather and vinyl. I can't stop now or I'll never start again......

Then - it's done. Amidst a large puddle of sweat and dirty oily rags my pride and joy sits gleamiing and beautiful. My knees are screaming and the stink of my sweat has made a fug in the garage. I don't know if I'm ever going to walk straight again but By God my bike looks like a million bucks.

The door to the house opens and the Love of My Life comes out and says:

"Are you done hon?"

"Yep - take a look baby"

"Oh - thats nice"

".....thanks"

"But...."

"what baby?"

"when are you going to start on the car? I want to go out and get a new bed set"

..............



It all becomes a bit of a blur after that y'honour"





CASE DISMISSED