Young death - Donations

**howdamnhard** · 30th September 2009, 20:42

Originally Posted by caseye

Hey Anika, you know what, I'm glad you felt offended, not that you were mean't to be, but becuase it's a feeling and it got through.
Now then the logic of what you have said hasn't escaped me either, while we'd all like to think that our loved ones who go before us are still with us one way or another, the reality is, who knows?
I don't.But I like to think they are, my MUM died nearly 2 years ago now, but I talk to her star, every time I see it out, dumb aye!
Please , keep doing what you are doing right now, tell it how it is for you and let everyone who wants to and can do, make a difference.
Sounds to me like you are taking the necessary steps to make sure income and living accomodation are in place and secure, thats a great start.
If your Aunty's computer does the job and shes happy, then be happy ( even a little bit happy) and use it.
If you don't need to do anything else for a while , take a breather, go play with Connor, of course you don't have to do any of these things but beleive me time out is very important.
T,G,W has asked you a couple of things and given you some things to do that will positively help you with Connor, child care,company,comfortand counselling.
You Take care now and try to get some peace and quiet and some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day and there will be things you need to do, but do them as you feel up to it, not before.Prioritise, don't do anything that you don't think is important, that means look after you first, then Connor then anything else.OK.

Wise words indeed. Take heed of them and hang in there Anika.

**Nasty** · 30th September 2009, 20:42

Originally Posted by alexm

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

If this is your last one here, that is fine ... but its actually ok to vent ... remember the other site www.ywbb.org it is with others in same/similar situations that will allow that freely.

**Genestho** · 30th September 2009, 20:51

Originally Posted by alexm

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

Oh dear. I guess people were worried about you.

I do understand believe me I do.

And any widow with children will say the same of the isolation and trapped feeling of the early days. Just giving you hope, because I really don't know what else to do.

Even if you don't call till a year down the track, and I wouldn't expect that you will, or if ever.

But don't be afraid to.
It has been very hard for me to help you in a public forum.

On that note - I've removed a few of my posts, and edited out personal references, but left things that may or may not be usefull.

Also would like to thank Patrick, and all who have posted here.

Goodluck poppet.

**Mom** · 30th September 2009, 21:07

Originally Posted by alexm

I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared.

You know what, I know that feeling very well. I remember as if it was yesterday, the first time I was home alone with a little baby. I remember thinking I am totally responsible for you. Guess what? I was scared too, very scared.

None of us are ready for the big shitty things in life that can happen, we dont actively plan for when things go wrong. We flounder when they do. That is when have to allow ourselves to lean on others to help us through. The best part of that is the people you lean on get a real buzz out of being there to help. Trust me on this.

One day at a time sweetie, that is all you have to manage. You are doing so well

**paddy** · 30th September 2009, 21:32

Originally Posted by alexm

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them

Anika, thank you for your kind words. I think the WWW can be a dangerous and difficult place at the very best of times. But there are some thoughts I would like to leave you with:

I think I can say with absolute confidence that everyone who has posted he as wanted the absolute very best for you and Connor. Our world is an imperfect place and we are imperfect inhabitants. We all truly wanted to help you even we couldn't always do that in a way that was "perfect" for you. Even when that hurt you more. That's okay though Arnika. It's okay that you let yourself feel that pain and it's okay that we got it a little wrong sometimes.

Having said that though Arnika, I think there are some safe people for you here. People I think that you should do you best to keep in touch with. People that you might want to call and chat with in the future - but maybe, just for now, receive encouragement from via PM. I am thinking especially of TGW, but I think you are able to identify yourself who is good for you right now.

I would like to see you get some professional help. It sounds so terrible doesn't it? Like there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. That's not the case though Arnika. You grief isn't something that needs fixing. Don't think of seeing a counsellor as embarking on a process of dealing with you grief and letting go of Alex. Rather see it as a process of getting support through you grief. A safe place to vent. A safe place to cry. A safe place to learn. To learn how you can keep Alex alive. You see Arnika, getting support doesn't mean that you are trying to let Alex go - I get the sense that maybe it feels that way for you. I know at least one professional here who has offered his services to you at no cost. WINZ also will help with that.

I would encourage you to look through this thread when you feel up to it. Ignore everything that doesn't help - but when you see something that does consider printing it out so that you can keep it. That way you can read them over and be encouraged.

There were many offers of help that I received on you behalf that went beyond financial. Some of them you know already, some of them were offers to talk, some of them were offers of loved baby toys, some were offers of professional help, some were offers from men who probably haven't a clue how to relate to you or how to help you but were more than willing to come over with their hammer and spade and do what needed to be done. Arnika, I am going to compile all of those offers into one PM and send it to you. I think right now you probably want to ignore it. Maybe print it out and stick it in a draw. But Arnika, I think those offers of real practical "kiwi bloke" help might be of great use to you in the future.

Arnika, I wish you the very best. I look forward to meeting both you and Connor one day. Let's make that deal if that's okay with you. Please don't even think twice about sending me a PM if I can be of any help whatsoever. You also have my email address.

Arnika, on behalf of everyone here I would like to say thank you. Thank you for letting us support you. Thank you for letting us walk alongside you. Keep walking Arnika. I know that you can.

With the kindest of love,
Patrick (Paddy)

**caseye** · 30th September 2009, 21:50

Patrick, you lead the way from the front and never faltered.
Anika, this guy you know about and I hope that when you are ready you do meet with him.
Our intentions were honest and true I hope us being here over these last few days has helped you in some small way.
One day at a time, look after yourself first.
We look forward to hearing from you anytime under any circumstance.

**Genestho** · 30th September 2009, 21:54

A good bistard

**paddy** · 30th September 2009, 22:34

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day Connor will walk in the footsteps of his father. I have a dream that Connor might one day grace this forum - this community - that tried it's very best to be there for his mother. I have a dream that Connor might one day use his fathers KB account - that he might read these posts and see the rocks that his life was built upon. I have a dream that one day Connor will see the strength that his Mum showed for him in the hardest time of her life. I have a dream. I have a dream.

Inspired by trailblazers post http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...7&postcount=33

**Oakie** · 1st October 2009, 07:03

Our thoughts and best wishes go with you Anika. You know where we are if you need us.

Richard

**Sheba** · 1st October 2009, 14:40

Originally Posted by paddy

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day Connor will walk in the footsteps of his father. I have a dream that Connor might one day grace this forum - this community - that tried it's very best to be there for his mother. I have a dream that Connor might one day use his fathers KB account - that he might read these posts and see the rocks that his life was built upon. I have a dream that one day Connor will see the strength that his Mum showed for him in the hardest time of her life. I have a dream. I have a dream.

Thanks for all you've done here paddy.

Anika, I'm so proud of you for making it as far as you have. Keep taking things one moment at a time, and allow yourself to really grieve and express how you are feeling. Lots of love.

**paddy** · 1st October 2009, 16:32

To whomever sent me the cheque - I can't remember who you were now. I must have deleted your PM while I was cleaning them out. I wanted you to know that the cheque arrived safely on Tuesday. I have transferred the appropriate amount of funds to Arnika and I will deposit the cheque in my account today or tomorrow.

P.

**caseye** · 1st October 2009, 17:22

Afternoon all, Anika, I hope today has been a little easier than yesterday.Also that we may continue to have your presence here on KB with us for as long as you want to be here.
Have you had a wee sit down and a few minutes to your self today?If not go do something totally random and relaxing.
If you have taken time out for YOU today, good on you, do it again soon.

**alexm** · 1st October 2009, 20:20

hi,
not really im finding with each day that goes on it gets harder. nights are especially hard because alex was always home with me. im still kinda trying to understand how the accident happened, id like to see the coroners report and serious crash unit report so i can understand more but havent heard anything about these yet.i think it would just give me a bit more closure so I'm not still wondering

**Nasty** · 1st October 2009, 20:30

Originally Posted by alexm

hi,
not really im finding with each day that goes on it gets harder. nights are especially hard because alex was always home with me. im still kinda trying to understand how the accident happened, id like to see the coroners report and serious crash unit report so i can understand more but havent heard anything about these yet.i think it would just give me a bit more closure so I'm not still wondering

You can have access to all those reports - contact the coroner in charge of the case - but have your mum there when you read it .. cos they are not easy things to read ....

The crash report on Grub took a while to be completed and my guess is that Alex's one may take time too .. but again the coroner can provide you a copy ... I found with Grubs one that it wasn't easy is some ways as its a very technical document - I have a friend who worked crash and he also read it, and let me know how they come around to what they did.

Nights are always hard ... and I found the computer my friend ... lots of sites to go to and when we sleep others are awake ... I had broken sleep for quite a while (I often slept aweful before Grub died anyway) .. and it took time to come right ... now most nights I sleep through ... in the evenings I watched crappy TV and also some friends helped me with movies etc so that I could at least go to bed and watch something ... depending on your computer system I can help you if you want with some of those.

Kia Kaha sweets ... we are behind .. in front and beside you on this journey.

**Conquiztador** · 1st October 2009, 23:30

Originally Posted by Nasty

You can have access to all those reports - contact the coroner in charge of the case - but have your mum there when you read it .. cos they are not easy things to read ....

The crash report on Grub took a while to be completed and my guess is that Alex's one may take time too .. but again the coroner can provide you a copy ... I found with Grubs one that it wasn't easy is some ways as its a very technical document - I have a friend who worked crash and he also read it, and let me know how they come around to what they did.

Nights are always hard ... and I found the computer my friend ... lots of sites to go to and when we sleep others are awake ... I had broken sleep for quite a while (I often slept aweful before Grub died anyway) .. and it took time to come right ... now most nights I sleep through ... in the evenings I watched crappy TV and also some friends helped me with movies etc so that I could at least go to bed and watch something ... depending on your computer system I can help you if you want with some of those.

Kia Kaha sweets ... we are behind .. in front and beside you on this journey.

It gives me a chill that there are so many on here who knows what it takes to learn to live with this tragedy.