Young death - Donations

[alexm]

hi guys..
im still doing pretty bad..atleast i was mostly in shock and pretending before now I get moments throughout the day where I realise this is real and I just get such a bad pain in my heart and cant believe this is actually happening.it just can't be real..good people like Alex dont die at 21..this doesnt happen to people like us who had everything. I guess the weekend made it worse I went to Tauranga to visit his grave for the first time (had to spend $300 to do it so can only do it once a month).It was really hard going there I had one of those "reality" moments and was like..thats my partner lying in the ground under my feet..my handsome Alex who I never get to see again. It was nice too though cause I talk to him everyday but I feel stupid cause I'll just be sitting in my room..it was nice to have somewhere to direct my talking to. I also found out that Alex's mother changed her mind about Alex being buried in the nice spot we had picked in Auckland and all agreed on to burying him in a horrible graveyard next to a farm in Tauranga in a place he didnt like because it was cheaper to buy a plot there.This breaks my heart.Cause I knew he would have wanted to be buried up here and to find out he isn't because of money really saddens and disgusts me. Its your son..you only get one chance to bury him..why does money matter?I would have paid for half of it had I known I feel like we're so far apart..and yes I know its just his body but I feel like he's been taken away from me and he would have hated that. Anyway I'm gonna shut up now.thanks for listening again guys.

[Sharry]

Thank you so much for sharing Anika. I understand how it can help to have somewhere to direct your words
You are standing up to this better than you aknowledge, I do admire your courage.
Realsing it is real is the start of a healing process which will fluctuate in waves. Hold on to the love from your family and the support from every out here that care about you

[Her_C4]

hi guys..
im still doing pretty bad..atleast i was mostly in shock and pretending before now I get moments throughout the day where I realise this is real and I just get such a bad pain in my heart and cant believe this is actually happening.it just can't be real..good people like Alex dont die at 21..this doesnt happen to people like us who had everything. I guess the weekend made it worse I went to Tauranga to visit his grave for the first time (had to spend $300 to do it so can only do it once a month).It was really hard going there I had one of those "reality" moments and was like..thats my partner lying in the ground under my feet..my handsome Alex who I never get to see again. It was nice too though cause I talk to him everyday but I feel stupid cause I'll just be sitting in my room..it was nice to have somewhere to direct my talking to. I also found out that Alex's mother changed her mind about Alex being buried in the nice spot we had picked in Auckland and all agreed on to burying him in a horrible graveyard next to a farm in Tauranga in a place he didnt like because it was cheaper to buy a plot there.This breaks my heart.Cause I knew he would have wanted to be buried up here and to find out he isn't because of money really saddens and disgusts me. Its your son..you only get one chance to bury him..why does money matter?I would have paid for half of it had I known I feel like we're so far apart..and yes I know its just his body but I feel like he's been taken away from me and he would have hated that. Anyway I'm gonna shut up now.thanks for listening again guys.

Hey Anika,

Good to read your update although I feel your pain! What a shock for you to have to deal with on top of everything else . I guess as you say though - it is just his body and his spirit is free to be where he wants it to be - and I'll bet my bottom dollar that it is with you, where it counts

$300 sounds a really excessive amount of money!! Don't forget that there are plenty of REALLY good people here that will be only too happy to help you out with transport, company, accommodation etc. I understand your need for your own space -- but so do they, and can help without being intrusive.

....
You are standing up to this better than you aknowledge, I do admire your courage.
Realsing it is real is the start of a healing process which will fluctuate in waves. Hold on to the love from your family and the support from every out here that care about you

+1

[caseye]

Hello there Anika, glad to hear from you, no matter how bad things are, don't you forget we're here and will listen and do what we can.
For one thing, next time you want to go to Tauranga, let us here know, I'm sure a KB'er will step up and offer transport and or accomodation.I'm ready and willing anytime you want, if that helps.
It really doesn't matter now, where his mother has laid Alex's body to rest, it only matters that if you want to go to where he lies someone from here will help you make that happen.
As Her B4 said, I too reckon Alex is with you wherever you are and whatever your'e doing.
You take care now, thinking of you and Connor.

[davebullet]

Hi Anika,

Reading your reply brought a tear to my eye. That must be terrible not to be able to visit him whenever you want to and knowing he has been buried there. Her_B4's suggestion is a good one. There are a lot of kind people here who will help you without hesitation. If you want help with transport or accommodation, people will help. Feel free to post dates when you want to travel. I know it's not as good as going whenever you need to (I know we just can't plan some things in advance), but people can help at short notice.

Glad you are still posting here.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika was Good to hear from you and to hear you are geting there. As we have said one day at a time. There are many stage you have to go throught in the healing process so don't be to hard on yourself you are stronger than you think and don't forget there is always here. Just to able to write down your feelings are a great healing tool as it get it all out of your head. Take care Love

Wendy

[yachtie10]

Hi Anika
My deepest condolences for your loss
I have a nephew named Connor who is a few months older than your son.
If you want some baby clothes please let me know and I can drop a bagful off to you or anyone else you trust.

best wishes

[Genestho]

Reality Bites. I remember laying where my boy is buried and crying and dry retching for hours, days, laying my head where his chest would've been.

Thinking how slow his heart used to beat.
Trying to think of his voice so I wouldn't forget it! (I haven't by the way - still remember his smart arsed comments and laugh, the most!)

The pain in your heart should lessen, as you will know by now, grief is an hourly, daily roller coaster in the first weeks and months.
I can assure you the roller coaster spreads out a little further with time, (apart from triggers) eventually you learn to manage the pain, until the pain is a little less, and you laugh a little more than crying.

They say grief has 5/7 stages, and you go back and forth through them, in any order, there's no time limit.

Just you keep hangin in there babe. One foot in front of the other, don't look too far ahead.

You can stay at my gaff whenever you want if that cuts costs? Ask for anything and you shall receive.

[alexm]

Hey all,
Thanks again for listening and caring. Yea it really sucks not being able to visit his grave as much as I would like, cause I would go atleast a few times a week if i could. I know people say its just his "shell" but I don't know to me it means something. I just feel its a place I can talk to him and it was comforting in a sad way to me. Also just knowing that before he died I was the one who knew him best, how he thought etc. And I know 100% if I had asked Alex before he died he would have told me he would have wanted to be buried here in Auckland, where he was going to spend the rest of his life with me and his son. It just really bugs me his family (except for his dad) didn't take this into consideration and only thought about their own needs and money. I know whats done is done but I can't get over it. My mum has said to me if I was to die suddenly in the near future she would have me buried in Tauranga next to Alex, even though my whole family is up here and it wouldn't be what they wanted, but she said thats what she would do cause it would have been what I would have wanted. I just think thats how to go about it, thinking about the person who passed away. If I truly thought Alex would have been happy to know he was being buried in Tauranga in a horrible graveyard next to a farm away from me and Connor I would have given it my blessing. Thing is he would have been devastated to know this and how upset it makes me. But what can I do. Oh and the next time I'm going down is for Alex's 22nd birthday (or what should have been) on the 25th of November. My mum is coming with me this time and Alex's dad has said we can stay with him so atleast we will just have to pay for petrol. But thanks for all your offers I won't forget them

[caseye]

Anika your Mum sounds like a real down to earth Lady.
Sounds like Alex's dad is also a pretty good sort of a man.
You take care out there and don't worry,we won't forget, we've made offers of assistance, those offers stand for as long as you need or want them.
Really good to see you here and to hear what you are doing about things.
You really are a lot tougher than you might have thought you know, like T.G.W said , "one foot in front of the other"

[ynot slow]

Unfortunately his parents have more say over his final resting spot than you,assuming he hadn't told his folks he wanted to be in Auckland or wherever,and I doubt he would've,not many young kids think about death,let alone make plans.Keep positive.

[Waxxa]

You take care out there and don't worry,we won't forget, we've made offers of assistance, those offers stand for as long as you need or want them.

This is true...offers still stand

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Morning Anika it felt good to read your post today because for some unknown reason I felt more reasured that you where coming through this that you have found the strenght as we all knew you would. It is going to take time but you will get there one day at a time.

My offer also stands when and if you want it. Take care love.

Wendy

[caseye]

Morning Anika, fine weather at last, hope you get some time outside with that little fella. Connor. Hope things are getting a litle easier to accomplish, we're just a pm or phone call away.

[Conquiztador]

Been following this thread.

Anika, it becomes clear that you are a so much stronger person than you ever knew. From a place inside, that you did not even know that was there, something is growing and keeps you going.

Your messages on here are starting to have a small ray of light in them.

My whole life I have lived by the motto: "Giving up is not an option". I know it is not for all. But you can join my exclusive club anytime, as your prospecting time is over and you have proved to your self (as it is the only one you will ever have to prove anything to) that you can do anything!

And it goes w/o saying that same applies here as from all others: Anything I can do just ask.