Young death - Donations

[Maha]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

What jimjim said is probably along the same lines of what I would have said, I haven't posted in here for a while, you seem to have good and bad days (thats to be expected) but to say what you did seems very self centered. Some people can wrap you in cotton wool for only so long. Have good hard look at/and think about what you said to envoke the response from jimjim, he wasn't out of line.


''I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death''

You came up with that after all the encouragement that has been said in this thread?

I really hope the sun shines for long periods upon you soon...

Mark

[Conquiztador]

how about you think of your child, your life isnt over neither is his

What jimjim said is probably along the same lines of what I would have said, I haven't posted in here for a while, you seem to have good and bad days (thats to be expected) but to say what you did seems very self centered. Some people can wrap you in cotton wool for only so long. Have good hard look at/and think about what you said to envoke the response from jimjim, he wasn't out of line.

I really hope the sun shines for long periods upon you soon...

Mark

There is enough sad reality in Anika's life to break even the best of us. I know she will get out the other end. When that happens I have no idea. She is an intelligent girl who realises that her son needs her. But the plan was to do it together with her man. Now he is gone. And that is a huge shock. There are those of us on here who are prepared to support her as long as it takes. By doing what it takes.

To the ones who can not understand that, please show respec and leave this thread alone as you are not helping.

[Tink]

I have never lost in love.. but I know what it is too loose someone I loved... you know you are strong for Connor & Alex... by just being.. but also be strong in the sense you had the most amazing bloke, even for just a short time... many never get that.

I said to my mum once "be glad you had that 37 years... i will never have that long"...

Be angry, be sad..and everything you need to be...hug yourself so hard it hurts.. never wish anything but there is a reason... to be you.

Beautiful, passionate, a mother... and loved by Connor.

[caseye]

Anika,you concentrate on getting through each day as best you can and at the end of each day you sit down relax, cry, sleep whatever it takes to get to tomorrow.
Getting help is relative, by now I'm sure that if you'd needed actual physical help you would have asked for it, either from family and friends or from those of us here who have told you we are here and are willing to help.
Please don't wast your precious time replying to negative comment, even if it was intended in some way to actually snap you out of your present situation and make you think further ahead.
That time will come all by itself, for now you keep telling it like it is and worry about you first, then Connor then whoever and whatever else there is to worry about.
Thats the order of things and I beleive you are doing fine and despite wanting to stay where you are and keep the memory flaming in your mind it will never go away so relax a little,hug that little fella and tell yourself, self we're doing Ok.
See ya tomorrow.

[alexm]

again..thank u all who are supportive..u dont know how much it means to me you understand, even those of u who havent lost your spouse. its so awesome there are people who think calling someone who lost their partner 5 weeks ago self centered is gonna help somehow..yea thanks maha that made me feel better.you know what??Now I dont want to die anymore!Now my whole world is ok despite the fact the love of my life is gone. Because I totally didnt realise I was self centered for wanting to leave my son before. But again thanks to u and jimjim for just making me feel that much worse..oh what?u were trying to help?you know all about grief?your experts..oh wait no i didnt think so. Nasty, yes you are right they dont know and u know what I didnt know either until this happened to me.I certainly know I would never call someone like me self centered though. And yes I should just ignore them but it gets to me on top of all the shit im dealing with

[caseye]

Dealing with shit aye? good for you, seems to me that though the level rarely changes the consitency might be thinning, just a bit.Keep saying it like it is Anika, here in this thread you can say whatever you want, it's up to those of us who reply to you, how we do reply and what we say.
You take from those replys whatever you need to keep on keping on.Proud to see you standing up for yourself and not just yelling and lashing out, you handled this well, go girl.

[Zuki lover]

He was your world, it is understandable that you feel like ending it to be with him, and that life is not worth living without him, but you do have a child - a part of him left with you, and for that little child, you need to find the strength to go forward and make him proud of his daddy.

Unless you have experienced the death of a close person, it is not something people can comprehend. The loneliness is unbearable.

Life is a journey, and unfortunately none of us know how its going to end or when. You are doing fine girl, you will have good days and bad. But do it for him.

[Genestho]

Keep ya chin up poppet.
Quite often people say or advise things - trying to mean well.
Friends do it too.
Eventually you learn to smile, nod and agree for their benefit, and let it fly over your head.

Because you know - god (or something) willing, that they can't feel the depth of pain that you do, it never goes away, your future, hopes and dreams as you rightly imagined would always be there - were taken and buried.

You're allowed to feel like sh*t, and you're going to feel like sh*t often, I'm sorry to say - for as long as it hurts you, and because it hurts, it means you loved him.
Those times are when you need to reach for friends and family to help with Connor.

You will learn to manage it, and sometimes you just don't. And that's ok. That is no reflection on who you are.
You are a different person now.
Keep walking your journey.

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi Anika hope thing are a little better today love and you got through another night. You know you really are amazing and as Rocketgal68 Said
Be angry, be sad..and everything you need to be...hug yourself so hard it hurts.. and don't waste your time with the likes of jim jim and maha leave them to there own sorry lives. Take care love and don't forget i'm here if you want a hand.

Wendy

[JimO]

. and don't waste your time with the likes of jim jim and maha leave them to there own sorry lives. Take care love and don't forget i'm here if you want a hand.

Wendy

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

[caseye]

jimjim, the sad thing here is that all of us here includung Anika know that Connor is her most important concern.Anika is coping well, very damnd well all things considered,just 4 weeks after losing her life companion Alex.
Others have come here taken the time to read all the posts,made their comments and or offered their help.
We here have encouraged Anika to tell us everything she is feeling, to tell us who's doing what and why and most importantly to know that everyone of us who has stayed with her here in this thread is willing and able to actually go to her and offer our help in whatever way is pracitcal for her.
I red repped you for your first attempt here, I stand by my comment to you, if anyone has the right to simply say it as it is Anika does right now.
We(as in most of us here) believe that Anika is quickly establishing herself again and we are very, very pleased to see the way she is coping with lifes curved balls, given what she has just been put through.

[PrincessBandit]

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

Most of us would agree that Connor - a completely dependent helpless babe - needs to be uppermost in Anika's concerns right now; but having said that if she is struggling to cope with her own problems then it is a case of "the head understands, but the heart is unable to comply". Time will change that.

I am sure that Anika will one day realise that everything she is feeling right now, no matter how hard it is to cope with, will make her into a different person (hopefully better, stronger, determined) than she ever thought possible. And I am also certain that when she gets through this dreadful period she will know that it was the right thing to stay and bring up her and Alex's precious son.

There can be no time limit put on the grieving process. While it can look selfish to an observer, Anika will know in her heart where that boundary comes between the necessary "self introverted" time needed to adjust to her new life situation and the time to put her focus into how she is going to live and bring up Connor, putting him before her own needs.

Once you have children you can no longer put yourself first, but to take a staggering blow like she has means that that priority gets skewed and needs time to get back on track.

[Genestho]

i dont think i said anything worth that comment...right now her child is the most important thing

I know what you were trying to do. But you're a bloke, speaking practically.
Men and women experience emotion and grief differently, men get on and do stuff. Also it is very hard with a young child, you just want to run or die.
Eventually you realise it's not possible, and start to understand and cope, day to day.

Grief is selfish.
You have a fog for the first year, the brain doesn't work clearly - you can't even contemplate other peoples (perceived) problems.
Inside you are cold.
It is like having someone with their foot on your back holding you down.
You're hard pressed to even cope with decisions. Or right and wrong choices.

You have to remember it has not been long at all for Anika. Grief slows time down.
While I don't think about my loss all the time, there is still not a day that passes, without me thinking about it in some way even if only to reflect on how my kids have grown.
This is Anika's journey. And she is brave enough to share her emotion here.

[DreamRunner]

I haven't lost my life-partner but my aunt did. One day, my uncle just suddenly collapsed and died, leaving her with three young daughters, age 6, 8 and 10. It's horrible and terrible when people we love are taken from us too soon. But you need to keep holding on. I know it's hard, but there are people around who love you and want to help you. Life is tough and grief is so difficult, but you can't give up. Keep on fighting. Be the best mum that you can be to your gorgeous little boy, and don't be afraid to ask for help. If it's getting too much, let some of your friends and family know, I'm sure they will be happy to look after him for a while. Keep going strong. Each day will get easier, I promise. One step at a time, you will make it through the tough time and you will be okay and so will your son. Keep holding on. Tell your son about his father and make sure he knows always what an awesome, amazing guy he was and how he always wanted the best for Connor, and would've been there every moment if he could.

Here's one way you could look at it, if you wanted to... Look forward one day at a time. Just get through today. And once you've done that, focus on getting through the next day. You don't need to think to next week, next month or next year. Just focus on today. When you wake up in the morning, judge how you're feeling for that day. Think to yourself how do I feel today? What do I need today? What will help me get through this one day? Some days will be harder than others. Some days you may start to feel happy again and others you won't want to get out of bed. I've not lost my life partner but I've been through some rough times and this stratergy helped me through. Just focusing on getting up and out of bed in the morning. That's task one. Then eating. Task two. Having a shower. Just little steps, little milestones. One step at a time. Focus on what you can do, need to do and want to do right at that moment. I don't know if that would work for you but I know it helped me a bit, you could try that if you liked.

Please don't give up Anika. Find something you can hold on to, if you can. Maybe it's your son, and the thought of him growing up, knowing all about his father and being proud of who he is and who his dad was, doing things his dad would've wanted him to do. Or maybe it's something closer than that. Maybe it's thinking forward to summer, and taking Connor to the beach and paddling his feet in the water for the first time. Maybe it's feeling the water swirling around your own toes and the sand warm beneath.

Find that one thing that you can hold on to, that image. And then focus on making it through each day, one day at a time, until you can get there to that point.

I'm not trying to tell you that this is the way you should go about it, because you may have your own way of dealing with it but it's one suggestion, if you'd like to try.

[alexm]

DreamRunner, no I completely get what your saying. And when you're grieving that really is the only way you can get through things. I try to live one day at a time, but constantly find myself thinking about the future and how many more years I have left without Alex..it just looks so bleak. My son really is all thats keeping me here right now. When I feel down or get bad thoughts I look at him and hold him.I love him so much but my love for Alex is equal to that, although maybe more because we had an intimate relationship whereas Connor is a responsibilty. Not that I regret him ever, I love him, nor do I regret meeting Alex, even if I have to go through all this pain. I am grateful I ever met someone who gave me so much and unconditional love..but its just so wrong we don't get the rest of our live together. Its been hard looking after Connor and seeing him grow up, watching him smile all the time, laugh for the first time, and "talk." Its hard because I know Alex isn't there to experience that with our family..Now when I see him laughing or being cute I burst into tears sometimes because Alex isn't there, and I so want someone to share these things with..I want him to have his dad. I want to be able to enjoy him and behappy to see him grow up instead of hating it because then he will be someone Alex never knew, I won't have any memories of us all together like that..same goes for me, I don't want to grow older and change from the person I was wth Alex.Its so hard to explain..