Young death - Donations

[Tink]

Bumping this thread... sounds wrong, but it needs to be right at the top... those few that keep you going Anika, Caseye, T.W.G, Boman etc don't need reminding, but there are many of us that do need reminding that life is precioius... !

[Her_C4]

Hi Anika, just dropping by to say hi - wondering how you and Connor are getting on these days? Holler back and let us know how you both are and what you are up to these days x

[caseye]

We will be glad of hearing how things are Anika. Hoping you and Connor are getting all that you both need. We're just a post away. Take care.

[alexm]

God how it hurts tonight. Sitting in bed crying alone. Knowing he's the only one who could take my tears away but he's the reason I cry. It hurts how everyone elses lives go on as normal and my days are filled with loneliness, sadness and dark thoughts. How long can one just scrape through each day. I'm only existing for Connor, but I'm so damn tired of this.

[Nasty]

You are right anika .. it does hurt and its really fucking sad ... but it is something that we learn to live with as well ...

the pain and the solitude is something that you also don't have to do on your own ... there are others out here like you.

[Gone Burger]

Hi Anika.

I can't imagine what you are going through, have been going through, and will continue to go through for some time. Only those who have lost someone so close, too soon, could share that understanding.

Alex sounded like a truely wonderful human being, who obviously loved you and your beautiful baby very much. I did not know him myself, but have been following the support for you both here on Kiwi Biker. I can imagine he would want you to be, and need you to be stronger than you have ever been before. A part of him will live on in little Connor forever, and I know that you will cherish that greatly. Nothing will make this long process any easier for you. But do remember that you have an enormous amount of support from all of us, your family and friends. Hold on tight to your little boy, try to focus on those wonderful memories that you have of Alex, the ones that make you smile wholely, and hopefully one day, that will start to outweigh the emptiness that you feel now.

All the very best.. we are all thinking of you and are still broken hearted for your loss.

[caseye]

God how it hurts tonight. Sitting in bed crying alone. Knowing he's the only one who could take my tears away but he's the reason I cry. It hurts how everyone elses lives go on as normal and my days are filled with loneliness, sadness and dark thoughts. How long can one just scrape through each day. I'm only existing for Connor, but I'm so damn tired of this.

Hi Anika.I have not got the experience or the words to tell you how much seeing your words hurts, it's a hurt that is yours, but I feel a bit of it each time I see you feeling so low.The girls are right unfortunately, the loneliness is something we can do something about, we can phone you, we could come visit and just sit with you.Whatever ever it takes to help you come a little closer to beginning to feel better rather than miserable and lonley all the time.
Little steps remember.
I for one am glad of one thing, we are talking with Anika, this is her telling us as it is.
Keep doing that for us and we'll keep telling you what can be done, what we are able to do and what we are prepared to do to assist you in any way possible.
Your thread remember.

[boman]

You are right anika .. it does hurt and its really fucking sad ... but it is something that we learn to live with as well ...

the pain and the solitude is something that you also don't have to do on your own ... there are others out here like you.

Word for word what I could have said.

[alexm]

sorry..had an extra bad night. Hate how little things that won't affect anyone else affect me now. Like watching our son hurts, knowing Alex ins't here to see him. Cooking for one hurts. Not being able to watch programmes on tv that we used to watch together. Having to buy a new tooth brush, and then getting one for Alex too even though I know he won't be using it. Reaching into the cupboard to get a glass only to realise you're looking in the place they were in the house you shared together.Doing grocery shopping alone, when we even had fun doing that together. Every single thing in my day seems to be a reminder and no one else (I mean that I know, not in general) has to suffer this. No one elses daily lives were affected. I can barely drive without getting a panic attack, all I can think of is thats what Alex was doing in his last moments. I never knew grief could be so exhausting, paired with being a solo parent.

[caseye]

Hey Anika, good to see you back on your thread.Nothing is going to change all of what you have said is true, we out here can feel your pain but while we can sympathise we can do little else.
However.We are still here and we are all still standing quietly on the sideline watching you grow stronger and coping better and better each day.You may not think so, but it is true, your own words are still grim and unhappy but Anika you are describing life and you are doing it and looking after young Connor as well.
You do know we are here and you only have to ask and anything that can be done will be done.
Take care Anika and please give that little man a big hug from his and your fans out here.

[wysper]

Hi Anika

Take pride in what you are achieving every day. Take pride in a day survived and a new dawn watched. Take pride in you little one growing every day. Take strength from the love your little one gives you. I am a dad to two young ones and have only admiration for the strength you have as a solo parent.

[alexm]

Hi all,
I just wanted to write this will be my last post here. I wanted to thank you all for your support. I have been visiting here less often now for a few reasons; I do not have as much time on my hands as little Connor grows bigger and more energetic. He is close to walking now. I am also in contact via facebook with over a hundred young widows and I converse with them every day, which is where I find my support. Lastly, I feel increasingly uncomfortable sharing my deepest feelings with those who have not experienced the loss of a partner. It is something you cannot begin to understand unless you have been through it. Not to say that you all haven't been great, but sometimes you are met with negative responses and when you are so sensitive and grieving so hard these things can hurt very deeply and I'm not willing to put myself out there for that anymore. Connor is doing fantastic despite my probably poor parenting since Alex died, he is incredibly healthy and extremely happy. I already see Alex's personality shine through in him and I am afraid he is going to be a little troublemaker like Alex was when he was younger. I am still living with my mother (unfortunately). I am planning to go back to university sometime next year to study Health Science, and due to this I cannot really afford to move as I had planned.I will need some help from my family looking after Connor while I am studying, daycare is incredibly expensive. But we are doing ok, I am doing it so I can provide for Connor in the future now that Alex isn't here to provide for us. I really wanted to thank Paddy for offering the donations, and for the countless donations I got. It really touched me and as I was telling someone else I now always donate to a worthy cause, the latest being a scholarship another widow set up in her husbands name.
A certain thread has been bought to my attention alleging I could possibly be a fake. Well if anything Alex’s death has opened my eyes up to the fact that a lot of truly good people really do die young whilst a lot of stupid idiots will live to 100. While I know 99% of people are probably intelligent enough to see I am not..if you do think I am, why don't you take a look at my album on here.There are photos of what your donations have gone to; that is our son Connor. There are ones of Alex, or Alex and Connor or me. And just for those of you who doubt me, there is one of Alex's grave, where I happened to spend my 20th birthday on the 1st of May. You may wonder why I have a photo of his grave, and I won’t explain because thats something else you won’t understand unless you lost your partner. That grave which also had nothing except an empty vase when I went there. I try to keep it looking nice, I guess its my way of still taking care of him. The only other proof I could provide you with is his death certificate (which I will not do). Oh, and I can also assure you I did not set up an account on behalf of Alex's father, sister, boss, friend, my uncle, and the person who was there with Alex when he died.
And I know some of you have offered to meet me, and I will clarify why that has not happened. I rarely leave my house. I leave it when I need to go to the grocery shop, the doctors, or Alex's grave. Basically, when I HAVE to. For a while driving gave me panic attacks. I have not even seen any of my friends in the 8 months since Alex passed away. Alex and I used to attend family dinners every Monday with my whole family. I can't even go to those anymore. So that is why.
Again, thank you all. To anyone who reached out to me.I know it must have been horrible to listen to my grief-stricken rants. Now I’m writing yet another one, sorry. I won't be posting again but feel free to pm me, but know you don't have to. I've gone through a lot of things alone and I realise this is just something else that has to be done alone.
Anika

[caseye]

Sounds to me Anika, like it's a moving on thing and that tells me that no matter how hard it has all been , you are ready to do so.
I'm just glad we were able to help you and Connor in some small way.
Paddy did a remarkable thing and deserves all the credit for starting our long association.
I have to say, you've come along way, I know its not anything like all the way and i'm sure you will have many more hurdles to leap.
But, now I'm happy that you have written us to say thanks and goodbye.
Mark aka Caseye.

[Gone Burger]

Hi Anika.

I wanted to wish you all the very best. I can understand why you may not be visiting this site too often and am sad to hear that there may be some on here that have offended you. I have been following your updates for a wee while and truly do wish you the best. Your little boy Connor is an angel (although I'm sure he's not all the time ) and he will continue to bring you love and happiness for the rest of your life, as he would have to Alex's too. His bright and beautiful eyes hold so much hope for the future, for your future and his.

So many of us on here that have not met you before, support you 100% and hope that one day, however long that may take, you do find happiness again. I can already see the strength that you are beginning to find, and it will lead you through what ever path your life may take you.

Thank you for your contact with us over the past wee while. I will be sad to not have any more updates from you, but know that you are doing that for the right reasons.

Take care girl, and love that little boy, and yourself, with your whole heart like we all know you do. You will be thought of often.
Katie

[John_H]

All the best, take one day at a time and keep your chin up.

John