Friday jokes

**5150** · 26th June 2012, 16:02

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

**5150** · 26th June 2012, 16:08

One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut......

**5150** · 26th June 2012, 16:08

A Typical Life After Marriage

A techie woman writes to the IT Technical support.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

The IT Help Desk Responds

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly (Beta version).

Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

**Swoop** · 27th June 2012, 08:04

Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle.

But other times I hate my job at Dominion Breweries.

**Swoop** · 27th June 2012, 12:08

You'll never see a church with free Wi-Fi.

I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

**5150** · 27th June 2012, 15:26

42 things you should probably never say to a Police Officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

What? You need a license to drive?

Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

Is your power a penis substitute?

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.

I pay your salary!

Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.

My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.

In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

**5150** · 27th June 2012, 15:34

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying bastard also told you I was speeding!

**5150** · 28th June 2012, 15:19

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by acouple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately somereally bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

**5150** · 28th June 2012, 15:26

Kiwi Jokes

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, Fuck off and get your own!'

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep

A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'

An Elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub. 'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously. 'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'

**5150** · 28th June 2012, 15:27

An Australian ventriloquist visitingNew Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar.

**kevfromcoro** · 28th June 2012, 15:30

if you get bored try this
just send this mesage of to anay random numa

you will be suprised the replys ya get..................

ok
i have buried the body
what do we do now?

**dino3310** · 28th June 2012, 15:40

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job..

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK,
so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you
sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook
and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me....a guy came
in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go
fishing.'

**5150** · 28th June 2012, 15:49

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

**YellowDog** · 29th June 2012, 05:08

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
________________________________________
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... She's 21 and her name's Courtney.
________________________________________
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
________________________________________
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
________________________________________
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."
________________________________________
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
________________________________________
A man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
________________________________________

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
________________________________________

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
________________________________________
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
________________________________________
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
________________________________________