Friday jokes

[Stirts]

Apparently the marriage ran into problems when Katie tried to grab Toms cock in bed...

"nobody tosses a dwarf!"


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It was announced today that Tom Cruise is to star in a new movie - Marriage Impossible III


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It's hardly news that Tom Cruise prefers cocks.

Most cunts do.

[5150]

I'm sure Tom Cruise is so stressed out. Maybe Travolta can recommend a good masseur.

[oneofsix]

Tom wont be getting Katie to give him a rub down, she is too busy rubbing him up the wrong way.

[Virago]

So the other night I was sitting at home watching my old wedding dvd. It was a great feeling to rewind and watch in reverse the part when she walks backwards out of the church, gets in the limo and fucks off.....

Have you tried watching porn in reverse? For some reason it always starts with the guy "hoovering" cum of the girl's face...

[YellowDog]

Paddy goes to America for the 1st time. Walking up 5th Avenue, he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.

He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’s”.

A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her.

A guy jumps and Paddy gets him too.

Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up,

“Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!!

[5150]

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

[Swoop]

I was pulled over by the police last night.
"Have we had a drink tonight sir?" He asked.
"Yes officer." I replied. "I've had 12 pints of Steinlager."
"Ok then sir,could you just blow into this for me. I think it's pretty obvious what the result will be."
"Just as I thought." He said, taking back the breathalyser and studying it."Enjoy the rest of your journey sir,and get that bloody brake light fixed."

[Swoop]

A MESSAGE TO ALL JUSTIN BEIBER HATERS.

I owe my life to Justin.

On March 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months following a terrible car crash.

One day the nurse turned on the radio and Justin Beiber was playing.

In that split second, I got out of bed and turned off the radio.

[5150]

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation. "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

[5150]

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red Head and they had a competition to swim breaststroke across the English Channel. So off they went.15 hours later the Brunette and the Red Head got out of the water. 5 hours later the Blonde got out of the water. 'I want to protest. I want a judge,' she screamed 'What for,' they asked. 'You two used your arms.'

"I am not at all satisfied with the evidence against you," said the magistrate to the prisoner on trial, "so I shall find you not guilty. You are discharged." " Oh, good," said the prisoner, " does that mean that I can keep the money?"

Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says, "I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Did you know heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They're separated by a big chain linked fence. One day hell was having a party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and went over to find the fence smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said, "Look Satan you have to fix this fence." Satan agreed. The next day the fence was as good as new, but it was two feet further into heaven than it was before. "Satan," beckoned God, "you have to put that fence back where it belongs." "Yeah and what if I don't?" replied Satan. "I'll said you if I have to," said God. "Sure," laughed Satan, "where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

[Marmoot]

A MESSAGE TO ALL JUSTIN BEIBER HATERS.

I owe my life to Justin.

On March 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months following a terrible car crash.

One day the nurse turned on the radio and Justin Beiber was playing.

In that split second, I got out of bed and turned off the radio.

This joke is from the future?

[Swoop]

This joke is from the future?

I came out of the coma on that day.


The life of a comedian isn't an easy one...

[MSTRS:Me]

I still love to spoil my wife. When she works late she calls me before leaving the office. Then I will run her hot water, stir the bubbles just right so that as soon as she gets in, she can start the dishes!

[YellowDog]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' -partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

[Swoop]

I was travelling on the motorway when I spotted a police officer next to a speed camera.

I was flashed as I went past but I kept riding.

The police officer hopped on his bike and signalled me to pull over as he followed behind.

I stopped on the hard shoulder and the police officer walked up to me.

He said, "Hello Sir, I was wondering if you liked the look of my arse back there."