Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I am hoping that this week I will lift our country's Olympic gold medal tally significantly.
In the best of East London traditions I will be robbing Chinese athletes at knife point.

[Stirts]

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

[5150]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynocologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Swoop]

There has been speculation that 16-year-old Chinese swimming sensation Ye Shiwen used performance-enhancing drugs to achieve her Olympic gold medal. However, a semen sample she provided after the race has shown that this is untrue.

[5150]

German female body building olympic contender Anna Bolick was accused of taking banned body enchancment stereoids. She denied all accusations, untill the final when she did a squat, and a testice popped out of her costume

[Stirts]

I got my Tax Return "Returned"!

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, but the IRD sent my Tax Return back!!
I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"... I replied

1/2 million illegal immigrants, 1/4 million junkies, 2 million unemployable people on the Dole, 10,000 people in prisons throughout NZ, and over 120 fools in Parliment.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable. So I sent it back with a question...


"Did I forget someone?"

[Stirts]

BREAKING NEWS - Korean badminton players Chee-Tin-Fuk and Net-Tu-Hai disqualified from the Olympics.

[MSTRS:Me]

Ewan McDonald's alternative charge...operating a home-kill business without the proper permit.

[Stirts]

3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”.
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
“Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:
“Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand,
“Air New Zealand “...
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.




'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

[MSTRS:Me]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up". "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done".
"It was, sir".

[swtfa]

When my wife heard I was taking yoga she said
"I know this has something to do with one of your sexually perverted fantasies".
I was so taken back by her accusation... I nearly choked on my cock

[YellowDog]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[rainman]

Husband comes home to find his wife packing her bags, so he asks what's going on. "I'm moving to Thailand", says she, "I've just found out I can get paid $400 a night there for what I do for you for free!"

He walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing too. "Where are you going?", she asks.

"Thailand. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[Road kill]

Was at the local pool last week an thought I'd take a sneaky leak in the deep end.
Fucking life guard blew his whistle so loud I got such a fright I damn near fell in.

[YellowDog]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"