Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics.
But then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.






Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.

[Swoop]

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.






NASA's next probe is going to be called the Bi-curiosity rover. It's expected to go to Mars, but is also open to exploring Uranus.

[Stirts]

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

And already the first photo has come back ...

[Stirts]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me'....

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me'....


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck...

The sign reads 'If I catch you, you're mine.'....

He lost 31kgs that week.

[MSTRS:Me]

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man!" he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!

[Swoop]

Yesterday my boss put me in charge of discrimination in the workplace, I've got off to a flyer on my first morning!

So far I've called a black guy Kunta Kinte, a Chinese guy a Gook and told the receptionist to get her tits out.

[YellowDog]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

[Virago]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[Smifffy]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[Smifffy]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

[Virago]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

Where's the punchline? Don't leave us in suspense...

[Marmoot]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[YellowDog]

[MSTRS:Me]

Where's the punchline?

Virago? Meet I-pad.
I-pad? Meet Virago.
*WHAP!!!!*

That what you meant?

[Madness]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........