Friday jokes

**bogan** · 11th August 2012, 12:20

I hit a fly with a ipad...

oh wait; dammit, I always get the delivery wrong. I bet it was one you'd never heard too

**huff3r** · 11th August 2012, 12:25

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, them famdangled things don't do a very good job of wiping yer arse when the loo papers all out!

**george formby** · 11th August 2012, 12:29

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
It was quite hard to light but burned for ages & was really hot.

**Smifffy** · 11th August 2012, 12:57

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Should last for ages in the bottom of the budgie cage without going soggy.

**YellowDog** · 11th August 2012, 14:18

_________________________________________________

**Berries** · 12th August 2012, 00:02

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Call me an old man? You cunt.

**Swoop** · 13th August 2012, 09:06

A graduate is unable to find the right job, so he is forced to start work in a factory.

"Right," says the foreman. "See that broom over there? Grab it and sweep the factory floor."

"But, but ..." stammers the graduate, "... I've been to university!"

"Oh sorry," says the foreman. "Speak to Hemi over there, he'll show you how to hold it."

**5150** · 13th August 2012, 09:11

Originally Posted by Swoop

A graduate is unable to find the right job, so he is forced to start work in a factory.

"Right," says the foreman. "See that broom over there? Grab it and sweep the factory floor."

"But, but ..." stammers the graduate, "... I've been to university!"

"Oh sorry," says the foreman. "Speak to Hemi over there, he'll show you how to hold it."

He should have used his iPad

**Daffyd** · 13th August 2012, 18:19

Jack and Jill took a job in a warehouse. A month later the boss called Jill into his office.

"Things have tightened up since you started. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"You'd better Jack off; I've got a headache!"

**Daffyd** · 13th August 2012, 18:27

A wealthy Italian business man and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

**bogan** · 13th August 2012, 19:45

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants???' She hit me.

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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative .

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

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When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

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Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

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Don't argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

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Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!

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Bumper sticker of the year:

'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

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Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

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And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

**Swoop** · 14th August 2012, 07:57

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...

Fuck, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony!

Despite the Games ending, the IOC have announced that Great Britain have been awarded a late gold medal.

Soundman, Billy Smith said, "I'm really honoured but all I did was hit mute on Victoria Beckham's microphone."

**crazyhorse** · 14th August 2012, 18:56

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

**slofox** · 15th August 2012, 08:37

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine...

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;

it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub this turpentine on a cat's arse,

he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'