Friday jokes

[Swoop]

A Jew goes into the synagogue and starts praying to the lord.
He says "please lord, I'm up to my neck in debt, I owe loads of people loads of money, please let me win the lottery this week!"

The week passes and he doesn't win the lottery, so he goes back to the synagogue and starts praying again "Lord, please! It's getting worse, I need to win the lottery this week! Make it happen!"

Another week passes and he doesn't win the lottery, so he returns to the temple and gets on his knees and starts praying "Lord, stop being such a tight-fisted bastard, you have to let me win the lottery!" Suddenly, the clouds part, a beam of light shines down, and God says to the Jew,
"For fuck sake Eric, meet me halfway! At least buy a bloody lottery ticket!"

[YellowDog]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it! another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

[MSTRS:Me]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle". "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try" he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father, you're not going to believe this". "What?" asks the priest "what happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation" insists the doctor "it's a miracle! Here's your baby".

Fifteen years go by and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father". The son says "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father"...

[Swoop]

President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true.

Thanks to WikiLeaks.

[Swoop]

The Duke Of Edinburgh has expressed his disappointment at photos of a naked Prince Harry in Vegas.
"What did you do with that Nazi outfit I bought you?" he asked the Prince.




''One could of died'' said the Queen commenting on the recent nude photos of Prince Harry.
''If fucking only...'' Prince Charles muttered.




Prince Harry doesn't have much luck, does he?
His step-dad was a Muslim, his mum died, he got photographed dressed as a Nazi, was caught smoking pot and is now hated by all of Asia.

Still, it could be worse; I mean, at least he's not ginger...

Ah, right...






I always thought the Crown Jewels were kept in the Tower of London, not in a Las Vegas hotel room.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Q. What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's the difference between a Aussie boy and a Aussie girl?\
A. A Aussie girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Australia?\
A. Fathers day

[YellowDog]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Swoop]

My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

[MSTRS:Me]

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits". I said "Sorry mate did he drown?" "No" he said... "he choked on a sock"...

[YellowDog]

[Swoop]

Apparently, Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...
...and follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."




RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.




What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, Michael Jackson fucked kids.




As a tribute, I have named my penis Neil Armstrong.
It goes up like a rocket and comes down with a splash.

[Daffyd]

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday so I went to the local pet shop and they were $90. "No way," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

[Daffyd]

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown!"

[Swoop]

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

[Stirts]

Michael Clarke Duncan who starred in the movie "the Green Mile" passed away suddenly.

I bet he wishes he didn't waste his powers on that fucking mouse now!