Friday jokes

[Stirts]

[5150]

[ellipsis]

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls, "The next letter is *B* for 'Black people', are there any black people on board?"
Again silence. "Next letter is "C" - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first.
If that don't work we is Zulus !!!!!

[Swoop]

Watching the Paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other people's different abilities but also...

If they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how come they still get to park closer to Pack & Save?

[Stirts]

Great Britain Paralympians are to release a song for a disabled children's charity.

They've decided on 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and... Oh'

[Geeen]

Bought my son an iPad & my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone & I got her an iRon. Wife wasn't overjoyed even after i explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function

[Swoop]

I wrote 'Cunt' on my son's forehead while he was sleeping the night before his birthday.

We couldn't afford the iPad he wanted, But he'll still enjoy the feeling of owning one.

[Swoop]

"What are you in for?"

"Ran a red light."

"They sent you to prison for that?"

"Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."

[MSTRS:Me]

I was out for a walk the other night, when I approached a lovely young lady.
I smiled as I gave her a rape siren and a bottle of mace.
"What's this for?" she said.
"I like a challenge" I replied, as I unzipped my pants.

[rainman]

What do Glasgow and Las Vegas have in common? Only two places in the world where you can use chips to pay for sex.

[Banditbandit]

A man walks into his local library and up to the Information Desk.

"Excuse me," he says to the librarian sitting there, "do you have a book on suicide?"

The librarian slides her glasses down her nose, looks up at him and says "Bugger off - you'll never bring it back!"

[Daffyd]

Long Life for Cowboys

A tough old cowboy once
counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every
morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Daffyd]

Beer Study

Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Last week,
scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and
suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 6 pints of beer. Within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of
the men:
a. Gained weight
b. Talked excessively without making sense
c. Became overly emotional
d. Couldn't drive
e. Failed to think rationally
f. Argued over nothing
g. Had to sit down while urinating
h. Showed no interest in sex
i. Refused to apologize when wrong
No further testing is planned.

Actually, b, e, f, & i could also describe some KiwiBikers

[Daffyd]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Swoop]

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Phillip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.