Friday jokes

[Banditbandit]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Swoop]

Religion is a lot like cricket.

Its popularity is decreasing day by day and only the people in the third world countries like to brag about it.

[MSTRS:Me]

Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?

[YellowDog]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Banditbandit]

[Swoop]

An Iphone 5 user walks into a bar...

or was it a bank...

or was it a hotel. They're not sure really.

[Stirts]

It's just as well that images of Jesus aren't banned.

Otherwise there would be quite a few pieces of toast in trouble right now.

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To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

[nathanwhite]

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

[Swoop]

Honestly, please believe me, I have not kidnapped Megan, we just wanted to get away for a day, bought some new phones and now I am completely lost and can't find our way back,

Jeremy and Megan.

Sent from my iPhone 5.

[Swoop]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

[jim.cox]

A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

[onearmedbandit]

After his recent success at the olympics, Hussein Bolt decided to join his local golf club. However upon arrival he was told they don't allow black people to join. "There is a club 10 minutes up the road that accepts black people, best you try there" said the manager of the club. Rather pissed off, Bolt says, "do you not know who I am, Hussein Bolt, the worlds fastest man". The manager looks at him, then replies, "all right you smart cunt, 3 minutes."

[MSTRS:Me]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer.

[Swoop]

Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

[Stirts]

Justin Bieber vomits twice at the start of his 'Believe' tour concert, his fans were shocked.

Of course they were. That's probably the best thing to come out of his mouth since Usher's cock.