Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect:

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my fellow KBers.........

[HenryDorsetCase]

I didnt know this one either:

[youtube]nmwGFX5pgXw[/youtube]

[Brett]

An Iphone 5 user walks into a bar...

or was it a bank...

or was it a hotel. They're not sure really.

You could spin that one around...

An Islamic Extremist walks into a bar...

Or was it a bank?

Or was it a hotel? They're not really sure.

[Maha]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

[YellowDog]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an aeroplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the
man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that
you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered
violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you ," she replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

[Stirts]

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her arsehole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

[Swoop]

I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that."

[caseye]

Hers one from me great Uncle.

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"F*ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd
never get away with that at home nowadays.

[nathanwhite]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

[Geeen]

Little Red Riding Hood was about to go to Grandmas house,
As she was leaving her Mother said " Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf,
if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry!"
Unfazed Red Riding Hood goes anyway.
Not much happens during the trip, but,
just as Red is almost there out jumps the Big Bad Wolf..
"Stop right there and lift up your top, I'm gunna suck your tits dry!!!"
the Wolf yells.
"Like fuck" replies Red Riding Hood " I'll drop my pants and you can eat me like the story says."

[Berries]

The BBC just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy gets a letter from Megan, 12, saying she's a big fan of the violin ... and could he fix it for her to spend a day with a fiddler?

"Jackpot," says Jimmy.

[pete376403]

Little Red Riding Hood was about to go to Grandmas house,
As she was leaving her Mother said " Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf,
if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry!"
Unfazed Red Riding Hood goes anyway.
Not much happens during the trip, but,
just as Red is almost there out jumps the Big Bad Wolf..
"Stop right there and lift up your top, I'm gunna suck your tits dry!!!"
the Wolf yells.
"Like fuck" replies Red Riding Hood " I'll drop my pants and you can eat me like the story says."

Variation...
The wolf jumps out and says "I'm gonna gobble you up!" and Little Red Riding Hood say "gobble, gobble, gobble. Doesn't anyone just fuck anymore?"

[Swoop]

What do a vegan and a virgin have in common?

All it takes is a couple of pints and a nice piece of meat to change their minds.

[Stirts]

Why are men always proud after they've had a particularly big shit?

All it implies is the size of the cock they could take.

[YellowDog]

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...




NOW
ALL YOU DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS...