Friday jokes

[Maha]

Akzel.....

[husaberg]

Key 'surprised' by high unemployment rate
Thursday, 08 November 2012, 6:45pm
Source: TV3
New Zealand's unemployment rate has shot up to 7.3 percent, with another 13,000 people out of work in the past three months.

[Stirts]

"Two Dead After 100-Car Pile-Up In Texas"

Tragic, but not as bad as the recent "100 Dead after 2-car pile-up in India"

[Swoop]

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, got some great wedding presents though.

[husaberg]

what's real bad is you volunteered for it as well.............

[YellowDog]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that ratbag and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.“

[Banditbandit]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young Man drives up and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Lincoln University, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up."Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle !" said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from Lincoln, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow trees down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

[Swoop]

I went into a T-shirt printing shop and said, "I want a purple t shirt with 'JUSTIN BIEBER IS A CUNT' in bright green letters".
The cashier said, "I'm sorry but I can't do that".
I said, "Why not?".
She said, "We're out of green .... I can do blue if you like?"

[MSTRS:Me]

A husband was watching TV while his wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife "What's for supper?"

"WHAT!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out here working! I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what - imagine I'm out of town then go inside and figure out dinner for yourself. Asshole!"

The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of cold beer.

The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town".

The viewing is Monday from 2-4 and funeral is Tuesday at 2 o'clock.

[_Shrek_]

Some US states recently legalised gay marriage and marijuana on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.”

It all makes sense now. We’ve just been interpreting it wrongly.

[YellowDog]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over hismouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.




A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'




He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'




Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her ebarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.




Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'








The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,




'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s-back ?'

[DMNTD:Me]

I raced a Harley the other day, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really, twisting sections of Mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his tail. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant, I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead, and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the mountain, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh, as well. They really make a great bicycle.

[Banditbandit]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.OM.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press: "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton , where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

MeAnwhile, apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.

[MSTRS:Me]

In hindsight, my Facebook post should probably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just fucked a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.

[Swoop]

I was talking to my mate Kev in the pub.
I said, "I've just got a tattoo of my wife's face right across my back".
Kev said, "Wow, you must really love her?"
I said, "Not really ... It's likely I'll be going to prison tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll put people off".