Friday jokes

[DMNTD:Me]

Apparently 80% of people on the planet have used condoms.
I think that's disgusting, I always throw mine away.

[pete376403]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother,


'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.



The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

[Swoop]

So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids?





Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

[5150]

Prince William is very happy with his wife's pregnancy as it saved him heaps on the boob job he was going to get her for Xmas this year

[DMNTD:Me]

for those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

34. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

[ellipsis]

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

[Berries]

Couldn't have been Irish then.

[DMNTD:Me]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[Swoop]

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...

[ellipsis]

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".


[DMNTD:Me]

I went to Bangkok for an operation on my testicles. the nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry it's normal to get an erection
when i do this" I said " but I don't have an erection" She replied "no but I do"

[Madness]

What's long, hard and fucks Polynesians?














Primary School.

[KiWiP]

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

Almost brings a tear to your eye

[Stirts]

It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned"

We've just been interpreting it wrong all this time.

[roogazza]

Wednesday, hump day.