Demba Ba has completed his £7million move from Newcastle United to Chelsea, after his wife agreed personal terms with John Terry.
Aio ki te Aorangi
Demba Ba has completed his £7million move from Newcastle United to Chelsea, after his wife agreed personal terms with John Terry.
I didn't think!!! I experimented!!!
Forum whore
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Cell phone etiquette, ya think ?
"Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."
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In Pain
A Gorgeous young redhead went along to the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible” said the doctor “show me?”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed, likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream??
The doctor said ‘you’re not really a redhead are you?’
Well no,’ she said, ‘I’m actually blonde.’
‘ I thought so’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’
On a Motorcycle you're penetrating distance, right along with the machine!! In a car you're just a spectator, the windshields like a TV!!
'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out! Shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '
Has left the building
An over weight guy goes to the weight loss centre to sign up for a treatment when they tell him they have a new high speed weight loss program.Theres 3 stages you can choose from, 10kg per week, 15kg per week or 25 kg per week weight loss.
He says great sign me up, I'll try the 10kg.
They said be ready at 8am tomorrow morning in joggers and shorts.
8am the next morning the most beautiful girl he has ever seen shows up in tight little shorts and a little crop top that had "if you can catch me you can have sex with me " written on the top. So off he races after her, same thing every morning for a week, he never catches her but losses 10kg.
He calls the company saying great program can I do the 15kg one next? They tell him no problem be ready at 8am.
8am he answers his door to an even prettier girl in very sexy knickers and a small bra and she hands him a card that said "if you can catch me you can have sex with me" off she runs with him after her, again he never catches her but losses 15kg.
He calls the company again saying this is amazing, I've lost 25kg's and loving it, I would like the 25kg program next please.
They say are you sure sir? It is our hardest program.
He is excited at what he will be chasing next so says "yep I'll be ready at 8am.
8am the next morning he opens his door and there is a large guy in a g-string and gimp mask and on his shirt it says "if I catch you, I'm going to have sex with you"
Has left the building
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl... with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
sdkfz
How do you think they came up with that tampon soaked in Vodka fad?Originally Posted by Swoop
Measure once, cut twice. Practice makes perfect.
Dickens Cider
Tampini anyone?
No body move... I dropped my brain
Que?
You can stick that up yer arse!
Fully qualified Sifter.
What's the best thing about having sex with 23 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
Que?
Fixed it for ya. I remember Dpex saying the same thing.
Fully qualified Sifter.
Sick MoFo.
Forum whore
A: I just put milk in my washing machine. I think I must be an idiot!
B: I do that all the time.
A: What, you put milk in your washing machine?
B: No, think you're an idiot!
"Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
"I just had a brush with the law at work today." said my wife, excitedly, as she walked in the door.
She's been a cleaner at the police station for five years and still thinks that's fucking funny.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Has left the building
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife......
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