Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

[Swoop]

I was sitting at work today with my feet on my desk, smoking a spliff and watching porn on the computer, when suddenly my boss walked in.

He said, "Dave, put your coat on and fuck off home."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" he replied.

Best first day ever!
I hope he's always this nice.

[5150]

Dear Diary


Today I bought an old BMW 535i. Hope I can afford the fuel bill

[unstuck]

Dear Diary, I am an idiot.

Fixed that for ya.

[5150]

Fixed that for ya.

They see me rollin........

[unstuck]

They see me rollin........

Surely it has not got spinning hubcaps and a big bore exhaust, with tinted windows and some bigass booty bitches in the back.

[Daffyd]

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[Daffyd]

I was chatting to my neighbour Abdul this morning about his wife.

“I just wish she had bigger tits,” he said.

“Give her time, mate,” I replied, “She’s only 12.”

[YellowDog]

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

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The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

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My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

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I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate......

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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.


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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

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Life is like a penis.

Soft and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard

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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

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The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been
deported back to England .

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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

[Swoop]

I said to my wife, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

She said, "I don't know."

I said, "To get to the stupid bitches house."

She said, "I don't get it."

I said, "Okay then. Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "The chicken!"

[Daffyd]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

[mashman]

The Time Machine.



Barak Obama and David Cameron are in a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout, he reads it out:-
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are
no worries”

David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that”
so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

David just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”?

Dave replies,

“Fucked if I know ! It's all in Arabic!”

[YellowDog]

Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are ok.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds
of trouble.
Lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs ....
Doctor:
No! No!No! Please put back your clothes ... just show me your tongue!

[FJRider]

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES , you bloody idiot!"


So I apologized and replied,


"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"


And...that's the last thing I remember....

[haydes55]

What's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?


Boy scouts come back from their camps.