Friday jokes

[DMNTD:Me]

A novice priest straight out of training is transferred to a small convent. On his first day he goes into the local town.
Within ten minutes, he's approached by a scantily dressed woman who says 'Hello Father, fancy a blow job for 20 quid?"
Bemused, he walks on without saying anything. This happens three times before he returns to the convent.

Mother Superior asks if he enjoyed his first trip out. "Oh yes" he replies, "but I have one question - what's a blow job?"
Mother Superior sidles up close and whispers "20 quid, same price as in town......."

[DMNTD:Me]

So a fella is sitting in an Irish pub looking out of the window. He sees 2 guys, one digging a hole then the other filling it...This happens every few metres up the street and back down again towards him. Intrigued he steps outside and asks them what they are doing.
"Well" says Mick, "we are usually a 3 man team employed by the Council to plant trees but Paddy is off sick today"

[doc]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA



August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia ....Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new
home. I love it here.



September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no
blasted rain like back in Leeds !!September 30- Had the back yard landscaped
with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns
for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise !



October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.



October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to
respect the old sun in a climate like this!



October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.



October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from fucking Perth .......The wife & the kids are complaining. October
30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for
the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping
outside by the pool for3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even
go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?



November 4 - Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.



November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the
car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and
I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.



November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off
my fucking arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.



November 10 - The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording.. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!



November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking
hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!



November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot
enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking
arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick,
demented fucking idiot would want to live here!



December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding
me!

[DMNTD:Me]

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.....

[YellowDog]

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to New Zealand so that they can see their own doctor.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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A Negro has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The KKK School of Diving claim they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5/min (charges may vary).
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; - she's crap at snooker.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
I love my new taser!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months
is NOT going to shift this beer belly !
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

[MSTRS:Me]

A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next to me at a party.
"So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled.
I said "Earth. What about you?"

[Crasherfromwayback]

I was in a bar when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and asked me for my phone number…
"have you got a pen?" I asked, she smiled and said yes. I said "well you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're missing…"

[Crasherfromwayback]

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a bad accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife!! Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you,....she's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Stirts]

Music Score from 50 Shades of Grey ...

[Swoop]

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

[Maha]

Six out seven dwarfs, are not Happy.

[Swoop]

"In the beginning, man created God".


Plus some piccies.

[unstuck]

I fuckin love that last pic.

[Banditbandit]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[DMNTD:Me]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, Here I come again! ONE , TWO, THREE,...UGH!
ONE, TWO, THREE,...UGH!..Here I come again..ONE ,TWO ,THREE ..UGH!
This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the the second dwarf asked the first,
"How did it go?"..The first dwarf mutters "it was embarrassing
" I just couldn't get an erection." The second Dwarf shook his head.
You think that was embarrassing? "I couldn't get on the bed."