Friday jokes

**Swoop** · 4th February 2013, 07:45

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

**JakeTehMuss** · 4th February 2013, 18:09

Louis CK may be a pessimist, but he's a funny one:

"It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen. You just don't - I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody, and they smile back, you've just decided that something shit is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back. Or you'll date for a long time, and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers. Or you'll get married, and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible. Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she's going to die.

That's the best-case scenario."

**Banditbandit** · 5th February 2013, 09:15

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: “Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.”

**Daffyd** · 5th February 2013, 17:14

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

**YellowDog** · 7th February 2013, 06:44

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again
at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral
director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short
time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining
that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,
and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at
her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such
diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."

**MSTRS:Me** · 7th February 2013, 12:36

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just buried her fourth husband.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, and how each husband died.
She replied that the first, second and third husbands all died of mushroom poisoning.
"Utterly tragic" said the interviewer, "and how did the fourth husband die?"
She replied "He wouldn't eat his mushrooms"

**Swoop** · 9th February 2013, 11:40

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win?

**Crasherfromwayback** · 9th February 2013, 14:26

Originally Posted by Swoop

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win?

Maybe it was an attempt to get the fat cunts to stop eating it so quickly.

**Swoop** · 10th February 2013, 10:11

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After two days the water ran out and I started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my piss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

**DMNTD:Me** · 11th February 2013, 04:12

Two Indian guys turn up to a fancy dress party and ring the door bell. A young lady in classic Indian dress opens the door a little freaked out and finds the guy totally naked with his cock in a bowl of custard. The second one has his cock rammed into a pear. She is absolutely horrified and yells at them "this is a respectable fancy dress party, not a perverted freak show! What on earth do you think you are doing?" The proud young Indian man looks up at her and says in strong Bangladesh accent, "oh golly gosh, we have come as emotions." "what the hell are you talking about she says?" "Well i am fucking discustard and he is indispear!"

**YellowDog** · 11th February 2013, 11:44

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called
“Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer
Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started
bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd. I was interested so
I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble
started................

**george formby** · 11th February 2013, 18:29

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the
caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night......any night!"

**YellowDog** · 11th February 2013, 19:03

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Gerry asked,

"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Gerry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," said Kathleen. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

**DMNTD:Me** · 12th February 2013, 05:26

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"