Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[crazyhorse]

Supermarket...


Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when, unbelievably, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost about 5 kilo before I woke up in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters arse and a car hit us both.

I really thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard.

So I'm now banned from that particular Supermarket. But you better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?


24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[crazyhorse]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.


The little bastards.

[crazyhorse]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob..'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.......




BOB, wake up...... You shit the bed!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Before and After You Fall In Love



BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

[nadroj]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

[one fast tl1ooo]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "It worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[crazyhorse]

What are the 6 standard penis sizes?

1. small
2. medium
3. large
4. Oh my GOD!
5. HOLY FUCK!
6. Excuse me! Is that available in white?????

[Swoop]

For anyone who missed the Eurovision song contest, here's what songs were played:

France- Runaway
Iceland- Ashes to ashes
Greece- Money
Germany- Rule the world
Portugal- I want my baby back
Israel- Disco inferno
U.K.- The Polish national anthem

[one fast tl1ooo]

[one fast tl1ooo]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Swoop]

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead and thought "Is he on standby?"

[Swoop]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Offices in Manukau.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in New Zealand with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistani where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Auckland with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a V8 Holden, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be a Kiwi! With Kiwi clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Pakeha.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from The Warehouse, a dirty Nike T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’'s my Visa Gold Card?'


The fairy said:
'Tough luck. Now that you are Pakeha, you're entitled to sweet f**k all like the rest of us.'

Then she disappeared..........

[slofox]

Offensive jokes from one of my email contacts...please note I do not necessarily condone every attitude contained herein. They still made me laugh though...

I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'


A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'


One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an
eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit
an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD F*CKING
DAYLIGHT.?


Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'


I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'


Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!


My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees
while having a wank.


When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted
'Allah is a c*nt' on my garage door.