Wanted. Sexist homophobe to keep Christians following blindly without question. Must be good with kids.
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The Vatican
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Wanted. Sexist homophobe to keep Christians following blindly without question. Must be good with kids.
Apply
The Vatican
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!
That's when I thought “Wait a minute…”
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The Pope has quit.
It's not the first time a German has ended his leadership unexpectedly after being followed blindly by a bunch of brainwashed idiots.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Forum whore
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
"Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Three guys die and go to Hell.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your fathers profession when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker."
So, Satan burns off the guy's penis.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your fathers profession when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's penis with a rope.
The Third guy starts pissing himself at this point and Satan, turning to him, says
"What's so funny"
The guy smiles and says, "My father made lollipops."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Off the wagon
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat Burgers from
Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle..
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way !
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter The pony
that she's always wanted!
had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead..
NO! NO NO NO!
Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots
To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian
Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ...SHERGARS BUM
Forum whore
I gather there is so much evidence against Oscar Pestorious-he really doesnt have a leg to stand on....
Anarchic Wild Child
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said; "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said; "you're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's just going through the change.".
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
The Pope and Titiwhai Harawera are on the same stage at Waitangi in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Titiwhai and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Titiwhai replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
So the Pope has resigned due to 'advanced age'.
Well put.
We do live in an age that's too advanced for Popes.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
"Your driving is fucking terrible," I said to my wife.
"Oh come on!" She said, "It's not that bad."
I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow.
Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Scooter boy
So Hollywood's Academy awards are coming up.
This year, I hear the Oscar's going to..... JAIL!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released... Bam! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Off the wagon
Short Storm Story
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND WHO LIVES ON THE MAINE COAST NEAR THE
CANADIAN BORDER.
HE SAID THAT SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING THE SNOW IS NEARLY WAIST HIGH AND IS
STILL FALLING. THE TEMPERATURE IS DROPPING WAY BELOW ZERO
AND THE NORTHEAST WIND IS INCREASING TO NEAR GALE FORCE.
HIS WIFE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT LOOK THROUGH THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND JUST
STARE.
HE SAYS THAT IF IT GETS MUCH WORSE, HE MAY HAVE TO LET HER IN.
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