Friday jokes

**DMNTD:Me** · 22nd February 2013, 05:17

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I cre...dit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

**DMNTD:Me** · 24th February 2013, 05:59

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard... nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses" replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The same people who named their Rottweiler "Jesus".

**Swoop** · 25th February 2013, 07:27

South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

A cattle grid.

**DMNTD:Me** · 26th February 2013, 05:24

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

**nadroj** · 26th February 2013, 11:55

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

**nadroj** · 26th February 2013, 11:56

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him,
"I've not done my hair,
Not done my makeup,
Not done any housework,
Not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What did you invite him round for?"

He replies ....
"Cos he's thinking of getting married."

**Swoop** · 27th February 2013, 11:10

"Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"
That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.

"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

**DMNTD:Me** · 28th February 2013, 05:36

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

**Swoop** · 1st March 2013, 08:06

A Mullah was trying to convince a Catholic priest that Islam was best.
"When we die we get seventy two virgins in heaven," said the Mullah
"I've already had seventy two virgins," replied the priest.

**YellowDog** · 1st March 2013, 10:07

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"

"You're in the team for Tuesday."

**MSTRS:Me** · 1st March 2013, 11:28

"Hello, Men's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet... now her fanny has completely closed up!!"
"Bummer mate"
"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

**MSTRS:Me** · 1st March 2013, 11:36

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

Next day, the local Police Chief came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The Police Chief asked the old farmer "Oh God, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie".

**MSTRS:Me** · 1st March 2013, 11:38

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was the 'rhythm method'. "That will work" said the counsellor "if you keep a good record".

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills she said". Again he said "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them". He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was "The pail and saucer method". After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim still. Well the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied "The birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby".

He turns to the farm gal and said "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method... now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?" She replied "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him".